I used to be an incel

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A photo of former Incel James, sitting in front of his computer
BBC THREE

‘I used to be an incel’​

In the darkest corners of the internet, a subculture associated with hating women and mass killings is growing. One man tells how he almost got sucked in
16 July 2019
Sex & RelationshipsDocs
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Warning: adult themes
James, 31
Last winter I was in a pit of despair. I was still a virgin at 31. I felt unlovable and hopeless. It wasn’t just I’d never had sex with anyone, it was that I’d never held hands, kissed or hugged anyone either. So, in November last year, I decided to share my story on YouTube and expose myself completely. I had nothing to lose. Life barely seemed worth living so I just thought, why not? I had no idea that one video would change my life completely.
I had an inkling when I titled the clip ‘31 Year Old Forever Alone Virgin: How it Happens’ that it might help me get some views. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone to see it but it was the truth about who I was then, who I still am now - in some ways.
I’d been posting videos for about a month or so and not had much reaction, so I was really surprised when that one went viral. Now, it’s had over a million views. Before, I’d been filming myself talking about my issues around porn and video game addiction, my insecurities about my looks, and how I felt like I would be alone forever - but I felt like I hadn’t been 100% honest about my situation.
Incel video
BBC THREE
James now uses his video channel to talk openly about his mental health
The 31-year-old virgin video was my way of setting the record straight and explaining how a traumatic childhood, a bad attitude when I was younger and crippling social anxiety had led me here. I also went back over some of my major insecurities, such as feeling like if I was just two inches taller, 6ft rather than 5ft10, women would find me more attractive. Thankfully, I don’t care about these things so much now.
After I posted the video, I found there was a label for people like me, and that I wasn’t alone in my loneliness. I was what the online community of involuntary celibate (incels) - predominantly men who blame women for their failure to get laid - call a Kissless Handholdless, Hugless Virgin (KHHV).
I discovered this because, although the response to the video was largely positive and a lot of people said they could really relate to it, it also attracted the attention of incels around the world. Links to the video got posted in dark corners of the internet like 4Chan and 8Chan, forums where a lot of these women-hating guys vent their rage. Dozens of other incel forums have sprung up all over the internet in recent years, with some recording over 40,000 members.
Some of the incels commenting on my video said things like that I should hire a prostitute to lose my virginity. It got so intense that I responded saying I wasn’t interested in that, that I would never pay a woman to have sex with me, and what I wanted was a meaningful relationship.
Incel Aged 18
COURTESY OF JAMES
James, aged 18
Before that, I didn’t fully understand what the term ‘incel’ meant. I’d seen it used in memes a bit, and in online chats where it seemed like a lighthearted insult. I’d never connected it with the brutal killings that Elliot Rodger, a 22-year-old virgin whose deep hatred of women seemed driven by his sexual frustration, carried out in California in 2014. I’d read about those shootings around the time they happened and was shocked. Since then there have been at least three mass killings in North America linked to incel ideology.
It was only later that I realised that Rodger was being hailed as a ‘hero’ by some people online. I remember coming across his YouTube channel a few years later and being really surprised that his videos - where he raged against women for rejecting him and outlined plans for his killing spree - were still up. I admit that I watched them all. I was just curious to find out why everyone was talking about this odd-looking, angry guy - why some people were calling him a “saint” and the “supreme gentleman.” It just seemed ridiculous to me that someone could feel like he was entitled to be with women - he clearly got lost in the darkness. While I know what it’s like to feel lonely and isolated, my attitude has always been totally different.
For me, I’ve never felt like I deserved to be with a woman. Instead I’ve always felt like I wasn’t attractive enough, or tall enough, or muscly enough, or interesting enough to ever be worthy of female attention. It’s not like I’ve spent all this time since I was a teenager thinking I should be having sex. Instead, I was constantly thinking about all the things that were wrong with me. I never felt like I was good enough for a relationship.
Incel Song lyrics
BBC THREE
James reflects on some song lyrics he wrote at his 'darkest point'
When I was at my darkest point, I wrote a song about Elliot Rodgers with lines in it like “suck on my nuts, as I blow out your guts”. I know it’s no excuse but I wrote it partly to impress a girl I was talking to online, who was a bit obsessed with the incel community. It was meant as a joke, but I can see now that it’s not funny. What I thought was edgy entertainment, like a musical meme, is actually really offensive to a lot of people and could cause serious upset to the families of the victims. I was at such a low point, feeling like nobody cared, that I didn’t think about the pain it could bring people. I would never make something like that now.
I definitely had opportunities to lose my virginity when I was younger but I had paranoia and social anxiety that stopped me. Looking back, I can see that my troubled childhood played a part in my mental health issues. It was a bad combination of things. My parents got divorced when I was about seven. There was a lot of shouting going on and it felt like a threatening environment. My dad, especially, was in a bad place back then, he became quite an angry person. But he’s worked really hard to make things right and we have a good relationship now.
My worries over my looks really kicked in when I was about 13. My nose got broken during a snowball fight after rugby practice. It was February and the weather was freezing, and someone threw a block of ice at my face. It nearly knocked me out. I was just standing there nearly in tears. I wanted to be a tough guy so I never told anyone about it, not even my mum. It left a big mark on my face. That healed but it left a bump on my nose. I would play with in the mirror for hours, trying to fix it myself but I just made it worse. Then my skin got bad too, which didn’t help. The acne cleared up but it left bad scars. I just felt like I wanted to hide away from the world.
Incel Broken Nose
COURTESY OF JAMES
James began worrying about his appearance after breaking his nose aged 13
Around that time, I started watching porn and also got addicted to video games. I would bunk off school and sit in my bedroom for hours trying to escape from reality. I’d push people away in real life but, at the time, I felt like it didn’t matter because I could just go home and jerk off. It made me feel dirty and uncomfortable in my own skin, and that just fed into my insecurity. I really regret that now and just hope that by telling my story I’m stopping other young people from making the same mistakes.
When I was in my mid 20s, I decided to try and bulk up through weightlifting. I was convinced that having more muscles would make me more attractive to women. And, at first, it did help me feel a bit more confident. I started training regularly and entered some competitions - I liked the feeling of camaraderie that came with that. But then I started taking steroids and that screwed me up more than ever. My hormones went haywire and I developed painful cystic acne on my back and chest - it looked horrible and used to bleed all over my bed sheets every night.
In the incel community, trying to enhance your appearance like this to attract female attention is called “looks maxxing” - some people take it to extremes and spend thousands of pounds on things like jaw surgery and other cosmetic procedures. The furthest I’ve ever gone is to make an appointment to have a nose job, but the surgeon wouldn’t go through with it because he was worried about my mental health.
Incel Acne
BBC THREE
After taking steroids, James has struggled with acne
Now, for the first time in my life, I’m in a relationship with an amazing woman called Sara. We connected through my video. She left a comment saying that she would date me and we started chatting. I was so happy when it turned out that she was also a KHHV, because I really wanted to share those ‘first time’ experiences with somebody who was on the same wavelength. I just felt like it would be more special that way.
Sara lives in Italy, so we got to know each over video chat, and it just felt right from the start. We met up in person for the first time in May. I flew out to Italy where she lives. I was a bit nervous but seeing her waiting for me at the airport was just the best feeling. She has her own insecurities and was really shy at first but we had a great time. We walked and talked for ages, and ate incredible gelato and pizza. I bought some wine too, even though I don’t normally drink very much. I just wanted to try everything with her.
I’d rented a small flat and persuaded her to stay there with me. My libido was really low because of the steroids I’d been taking, so we didn’t have sex but we held hands, kissed and hugged. My favourite memory from the trip is just cuddling with her in bed. It felt so amazing - I didn’t want it to end. She gives the best hugs, she really squeezes you and it just feels so good. I’d never been close to another person like that before and I just wanted it to last forever.
Incel girlfriend
BBC THREE
James chats to his new girlfriend who he met online
Saying goodbye to her at the end of the week was terrible. We were both emotional. I feel like she’s my soulmate and just hope we can have a future together. These days, I don’t define myself by any labels - there is no ideology that I need to conform to. I’m just a simple fool trying to learn from my past mistakes. When I hear from young men online who are getting pulled into the incel world, I just tell them to get out there, to meet people and get the help they need. Otherwise, they will just fester alone in their bedrooms, like I did, and get sucked into an echo chamber of hate.
When I put myself out there on YouTube, almost eight months ago, I never dreamed I’d meet my perfect partner. Now, I’ve been given a chance to break free from inceldom and, I feel like, finally, there is light in my life.
As told to: Serena Kutchinsky
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, information about help and support is available here.
Watch Inside the Secret World of Incels on BBC Three iPlayer from 14 July 2019

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  • JFL
  • Woah
  • +1
Reactions: thecel, Deleted member 14957, Deleted member 15827 and 12 others
You just copy-pasted here a whole webpage with links, ads and other pointless stuff.
 
  • JFL
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Reactions: Deleted member 21146, thecel, Donut and 24 others
I remember seeing him on youtube ,some fucktard with a accent. Oh now he got a girlfriend so hes completely against incels lol
 
  • JFL
  • +1
  • Woah
Reactions: mogxa, Deleted member 21146, thecel and 9 others
I remember seeing him on youtube ,some fucktard with a accent. Oh now he got a girlfriend so hes completely against incels lol
Maybe cuz he was never truly ugly and for his case it actually was the personality. Idk
Incels have a valid reasoning. But not everyone falls under that category. Sad he is too retarded to see that and generalizes yet again. He should be smarter than that now you would think.

Or he is trying to regain social status. That would the blackpilled dark triad thinking I would be proud of. Lying in public shitting on incels to show he bettered himself. Shoving bluepills down everyone’s throat while benefiting from the blackpill
 
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Reactions: Win
Maybe cuz he was never truly ugly and for his case it actually was the personality. Idk

Incels have a valid reasoning. But not everyone falls under that category. Sad he is too retarded to see that and generalizes yet again. He should be smarter than that now you would think. Or he is trying to regain social status. That would the blackpilled dark triad thinking I would be proud of.
He probably got some status and money out of doing YouTube. He looks normie with bad acne. And he never mentioned he met her,just talks to her. But yeah he wants to dissociate himself with incels for more clout and stay relevant, plus he talks to a girl so that pleases her.
 
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  • JFL
Reactions: mogxa, FailedNormieManlet, yersplifsir and 1 other person
He probably got some status and money out of doing YouTube. He looks normie with bad acne. And he never mentioned he met her,just talks to her. But yeah he wants to dissociate himself with incels for more clout and stay relevant, plus he talks to a girl so that pleases her.
Whatever gets him there. If he has to lie. Good for him.
 
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  • So Sad
  • Ugh..
Reactions: Baldingman1998, FailedNormieManlet, Rt-Rust1 and 3 others
When I was at my darkest point, I wrote a song about Elliot Rodgers with lines in it like “suck on my nuts, as I blow out your guts”. I know it’s no excuse but I wrote it partly to impress a girl I was talking to online, who was a bit obsessed with the incel community. It was meant as a joke, but I can see now that it’s not funny.


What.gif
 
  • JFL
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Reactions: itorroella9, RODEBLUR, FailedNormieManlet and 3 others
I lost my virginity the same age ER went ER. Man if he was a bit more patient...
 
  • JFL
  • Woah
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Reactions: FailedNormieManlet, Deleted member 15099, PrinceLuenLeoncur and 4 others
He's normal looking after he got rid of the acne. He worked on his depression and social anxiety. Status maxxed with jewtube and here comes a GF after the youtube fame.
 
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Reactions: noodlelover
this is why you dont trust incels; most are incredibly low t , beta and :bluepill:
90% will go back to the plantation with the first bitch that gives em an ioi
imagine flying to Italy and spending all that money and shit and not even fukin the bitch, what a fukin beta loser :ROFLMAO::feelskek:
he should have paid for hookers also long time ago
 
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Reactions: Deleted member 21146, Lihito, Deleted member 16384 and 4 others
"Used to be" just lmfao with that face
 
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Reactions: Deleted member 21146
The second his gf cheats on him he'll be back posting. On whatever inkwell site he uses. Bet it
 
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Reactions: Deleted member 21146, 189, RODEBLUR and 1 other person
Brutal:Comfy:
Bad skin equals incel
 
  • So Sad
Reactions: Deleted member 16384
I remember seeing him on youtube ,some fucktard with a accent. Oh now he got a girlfriend so hes completely against incels lol
Incel TV was right. As soon as incels get a whiff of female validation they all backstab the incel community
 
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Reactions: thecel, Lihito, oldcelloser and 5 others
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Reactions: 189
Now i am a sissy whore @gigi
 
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Reactions: Deleted member 21146 and mogstar
Incel TV was right. As soon as incels get a whiff of female validation they all backstab the incel community
I would do the same tbh, incel forums aren't good for my brain
 
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Reactions: Toth's thot and sergeant blackpill
Brutal agepill! From a handsome high tier normie to this acne infested truecel abomination :lul:
 
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Reactions: RODEBLUR and Deleted member 16384
I would do the same tbh, incel forums aren't good for my brain
Incel is the worst state of being. You have to fight it hard by looksmaxig. Not being proud of it and "muh black pill bros I'll never betray them"
Imagine being an incel activist.

Everyone hates them and they do so for a good reason. You either stop being an incel or you burrow yourself deep underground away from society.
 
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Reactions: Edgar, Deleted member 16384 and Deleted member 15099
Was this guy an ex of Tahlia? @BrendioEEE
 
Was this guy an ex of Tahlia? @BrendioEEE
No, I heard he liked her at one point, or she liked him or both, but they were never together i'm pretty sure. He actually seems like a good dude from what I have heard, and the girl he's with is pretty nice too, I hope they're still together. Only thing that I think he fell for which is low IQ, is semen retention, and wanting kids late. If you bring semen retention into a relationship, that just causes problems, and having kids late, well, myriad of problems with that.
 
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Reactions: Leap
He looks disgusting and ugly
he's still an incel in denial
 
p07gqv87.jpg

Zygos, hollow cheeks, short and wide chin, short philtrum, full hair, good eyebrows with worlds best pheno
How the fuck was this mogger a virgin? Are these UK standards?
 
p07gqv87.jpg

Zygos, hollow cheeks, short and wide chin, short philtrum, full hair, good eyebrows with worlds best pheno
How the fuck was this mogger a virgin? Are these UK standards?
Truecel in London, also only whites can be Incel.
 
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Reactions: Deleted member 15099 and Anomaly
For all y'all saying "he betrayed the blackpill community blah blah blah" who tf is proud of being an incel. I'm nearly a failed normie and I wanna level up as quick as possible. You gotta leave the blackpill community asap. Never forget the things blackpill taught you. But that doesn't mean you should level up. Who wants to hang around incel forums all day jfl 😂😂😂😂
 
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Reactions: Deleted member 6695
For all y'all saying "he betrayed the blackpill community blah blah blah" who tf is proud of being an incel. I'm nearly a failed normie and I wanna level up as quick as possible. You gotta leave the blackpill community asap. Never forget the things blackpill taught you. But that doesn't mean you should level up. Who wants to hang around incel forums all day jfl 😂😂😂😂
I suppose hanging around here would keep you grounded and not fall back into :bluepill: after some moderate success.
 
Yeah, man, I’m hungry too. It gets very miserable being in this desert with nothing to eat or drink but by saying ’I’m starving‘, you’re associating yourself with a toxic group of self-entitled people that believe they are entitled to food.
 
Wait so he got a gf and became a deluded normie???

What's his gf look like??
 
  • Woah
Reactions: thecel
Notice how he got a gf after steroid use
 
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Reactions: getra and itorroella9
When I was at my darkest point, I wrote a song about Elliot Rodgers with lines in it like “suck on my nuts, as I blow out your guts”. I know it’s no excuse but I wrote it partly to impress a girl I was talking to online, who was a bit obsessed with the incel community. It was meant as a joke, but I can see now that it’s not funny.


What.gif
he had bars fym
 
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A photo of former Incel James, sitting in front of his computer
BBC THREE

‘I used to be an incel’​

In the darkest corners of the internet, a subculture associated with hating women and mass killings is growing. One man tells how he almost got sucked in
16 July 2019
Sex & RelationshipsDocs
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Warning: adult themes
James, 31
Last winter I was in a pit of despair. I was still a virgin at 31. I felt unlovable and hopeless. It wasn’t just I’d never had sex with anyone, it was that I’d never held hands, kissed or hugged anyone either. So, in November last year, I decided to share my story on YouTube and expose myself completely. I had nothing to lose. Life barely seemed worth living so I just thought, why not? I had no idea that one video would change my life completely.
I had an inkling when I titled the clip ‘31 Year Old Forever Alone Virgin: How it Happens’ that it might help me get some views. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone to see it but it was the truth about who I was then, who I still am now - in some ways.
I’d been posting videos for about a month or so and not had much reaction, so I was really surprised when that one went viral. Now, it’s had over a million views. Before, I’d been filming myself talking about my issues around porn and video game addiction, my insecurities about my looks, and how I felt like I would be alone forever - but I felt like I hadn’t been 100% honest about my situation.
Incel video
BBC THREE
James now uses his video channel to talk openly about his mental health
The 31-year-old virgin video was my way of setting the record straight and explaining how a traumatic childhood, a bad attitude when I was younger and crippling social anxiety had led me here. I also went back over some of my major insecurities, such as feeling like if I was just two inches taller, 6ft rather than 5ft10, women would find me more attractive. Thankfully, I don’t care about these things so much now.
After I posted the video, I found there was a label for people like me, and that I wasn’t alone in my loneliness. I was what the online community of involuntary celibate (incels) - predominantly men who blame women for their failure to get laid - call a Kissless Handholdless, Hugless Virgin (KHHV).
I discovered this because, although the response to the video was largely positive and a lot of people said they could really relate to it, it also attracted the attention of incels around the world. Links to the video got posted in dark corners of the internet like 4Chan and 8Chan, forums where a lot of these women-hating guys vent their rage. Dozens of other incel forums have sprung up all over the internet in recent years, with some recording over 40,000 members.
Some of the incels commenting on my video said things like that I should hire a prostitute to lose my virginity. It got so intense that I responded saying I wasn’t interested in that, that I would never pay a woman to have sex with me, and what I wanted was a meaningful relationship.
Incel Aged 18
COURTESY OF JAMES
James, aged 18
Before that, I didn’t fully understand what the term ‘incel’ meant. I’d seen it used in memes a bit, and in online chats where it seemed like a lighthearted insult. I’d never connected it with the brutal killings that Elliot Rodger, a 22-year-old virgin whose deep hatred of women seemed driven by his sexual frustration, carried out in California in 2014. I’d read about those shootings around the time they happened and was shocked. Since then there have been at least three mass killings in North America linked to incel ideology.
It was only later that I realised that Rodger was being hailed as a ‘hero’ by some people online. I remember coming across his YouTube channel a few years later and being really surprised that his videos - where he raged against women for rejecting him and outlined plans for his killing spree - were still up. I admit that I watched them all. I was just curious to find out why everyone was talking about this odd-looking, angry guy - why some people were calling him a “saint” and the “supreme gentleman.” It just seemed ridiculous to me that someone could feel like he was entitled to be with women - he clearly got lost in the darkness. While I know what it’s like to feel lonely and isolated, my attitude has always been totally different.
For me, I’ve never felt like I deserved to be with a woman. Instead I’ve always felt like I wasn’t attractive enough, or tall enough, or muscly enough, or interesting enough to ever be worthy of female attention. It’s not like I’ve spent all this time since I was a teenager thinking I should be having sex. Instead, I was constantly thinking about all the things that were wrong with me. I never felt like I was good enough for a relationship.
Incel Song lyrics
BBC THREE
James reflects on some song lyrics he wrote at his 'darkest point'
When I was at my darkest point, I wrote a song about Elliot Rodgers with lines in it like “suck on my nuts, as I blow out your guts”. I know it’s no excuse but I wrote it partly to impress a girl I was talking to online, who was a bit obsessed with the incel community. It was meant as a joke, but I can see now that it’s not funny. What I thought was edgy entertainment, like a musical meme, is actually really offensive to a lot of people and could cause serious upset to the families of the victims. I was at such a low point, feeling like nobody cared, that I didn’t think about the pain it could bring people. I would never make something like that now.
I definitely had opportunities to lose my virginity when I was younger but I had paranoia and social anxiety that stopped me. Looking back, I can see that my troubled childhood played a part in my mental health issues. It was a bad combination of things. My parents got divorced when I was about seven. There was a lot of shouting going on and it felt like a threatening environment. My dad, especially, was in a bad place back then, he became quite an angry person. But he’s worked really hard to make things right and we have a good relationship now.
My worries over my looks really kicked in when I was about 13. My nose got broken during a snowball fight after rugby practice. It was February and the weather was freezing, and someone threw a block of ice at my face. It nearly knocked me out. I was just standing there nearly in tears. I wanted to be a tough guy so I never told anyone about it, not even my mum. It left a big mark on my face. That healed but it left a bump on my nose. I would play with in the mirror for hours, trying to fix it myself but I just made it worse. Then my skin got bad too, which didn’t help. The acne cleared up but it left bad scars. I just felt like I wanted to hide away from the world.
Incel Broken Nose
COURTESY OF JAMES
James began worrying about his appearance after breaking his nose aged 13
Around that time, I started watching porn and also got addicted to video games. I would bunk off school and sit in my bedroom for hours trying to escape from reality. I’d push people away in real life but, at the time, I felt like it didn’t matter because I could just go home and jerk off. It made me feel dirty and uncomfortable in my own skin, and that just fed into my insecurity. I really regret that now and just hope that by telling my story I’m stopping other young people from making the same mistakes.
When I was in my mid 20s, I decided to try and bulk up through weightlifting. I was convinced that having more muscles would make me more attractive to women. And, at first, it did help me feel a bit more confident. I started training regularly and entered some competitions - I liked the feeling of camaraderie that came with that. But then I started taking steroids and that screwed me up more than ever. My hormones went haywire and I developed painful cystic acne on my back and chest - it looked horrible and used to bleed all over my bed sheets every night.
In the incel community, trying to enhance your appearance like this to attract female attention is called “looks maxxing” - some people take it to extremes and spend thousands of pounds on things like jaw surgery and other cosmetic procedures. The furthest I’ve ever gone is to make an appointment to have a nose job, but the surgeon wouldn’t go through with it because he was worried about my mental health.
Incel Acne
BBC THREE
After taking steroids, James has struggled with acne
Now, for the first time in my life, I’m in a relationship with an amazing woman called Sara. We connected through my video. She left a comment saying that she would date me and we started chatting. I was so happy when it turned out that she was also a KHHV, because I really wanted to share those ‘first time’ experiences with somebody who was on the same wavelength. I just felt like it would be more special that way.
Sara lives in Italy, so we got to know each over video chat, and it just felt right from the start. We met up in person for the first time in May. I flew out to Italy where she lives. I was a bit nervous but seeing her waiting for me at the airport was just the best feeling. She has her own insecurities and was really shy at first but we had a great time. We walked and talked for ages, and ate incredible gelato and pizza. I bought some wine too, even though I don’t normally drink very much. I just wanted to try everything with her.
I’d rented a small flat and persuaded her to stay there with me. My libido was really low because of the steroids I’d been taking, so we didn’t have sex but we held hands, kissed and hugged. My favourite memory from the trip is just cuddling with her in bed. It felt so amazing - I didn’t want it to end. She gives the best hugs, she really squeezes you and it just feels so good. I’d never been close to another person like that before and I just wanted it to last forever.
Incel girlfriend
BBC THREE
James chats to his new girlfriend who he met online
Saying goodbye to her at the end of the week was terrible. We were both emotional. I feel like she’s my soulmate and just hope we can have a future together. These days, I don’t define myself by any labels - there is no ideology that I need to conform to. I’m just a simple fool trying to learn from my past mistakes. When I hear from young men online who are getting pulled into the incel world, I just tell them to get out there, to meet people and get the help they need. Otherwise, they will just fester alone in their bedrooms, like I did, and get sucked into an echo chamber of hate.
When I put myself out there on YouTube, almost eight months ago, I never dreamed I’d meet my perfect partner. Now, I’ve been given a chance to break free from inceldom and, I feel like, finally, there is light in my life.
As told to: Serena Kutchinsky
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, information about help and support is available here.
Watch Inside the Secret World of Incels on BBC Three iPlayer from 14 July 2019

Share this:






Copy this link
Read more about sharing

p0b2z8b8.jpg

50 MINS
Zara McDermott

29 MINS
This Girl's Changed

29 MINS
Spending Black: The Currency of Community?

30 MINS
Hidden Girls
Most Popular

Turning trauma into comedy: Why I chose to laugh at my brain tumour

Every question you ever had about female ejaculation, answered

Canada's Drag Race series two: Everything you need to know

How to masturbate
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wait until he realises that u can’t stop being an incel by choice
 
"Instead I’ve always felt like I wasn’t attractive enough, or tall enough, or muscly enough, or interesting enough to ever be worthy of female attention." Cuck.
 
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A photo of former Incel James, sitting in front of his computer
BBC THREE

‘I used to be an incel’​

In the darkest corners of the internet, a subculture associated with hating women and mass killings is growing. One man tells how he almost got sucked in
16 July 2019
Sex & RelationshipsDocs
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Warning: adult themes
James, 31
Last winter I was in a pit of despair. I was still a virgin at 31. I felt unlovable and hopeless. It wasn’t just I’d never had sex with anyone, it was that I’d never held hands, kissed or hugged anyone either. So, in November last year, I decided to share my story on YouTube and expose myself completely. I had nothing to lose. Life barely seemed worth living so I just thought, why not? I had no idea that one video would change my life completely.
I had an inkling when I titled the clip ‘31 Year Old Forever Alone Virgin: How it Happens’ that it might help me get some views. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone to see it but it was the truth about who I was then, who I still am now - in some ways.
I’d been posting videos for about a month or so and not had much reaction, so I was really surprised when that one went viral. Now, it’s had over a million views. Before, I’d been filming myself talking about my issues around porn and video game addiction, my insecurities about my looks, and how I felt like I would be alone forever - but I felt like I hadn’t been 100% honest about my situation.
Incel video
BBC THREE
James now uses his video channel to talk openly about his mental health
The 31-year-old virgin video was my way of setting the record straight and explaining how a traumatic childhood, a bad attitude when I was younger and crippling social anxiety had led me here. I also went back over some of my major insecurities, such as feeling like if I was just two inches taller, 6ft rather than 5ft10, women would find me more attractive. Thankfully, I don’t care about these things so much now.
After I posted the video, I found there was a label for people like me, and that I wasn’t alone in my loneliness. I was what the online community of involuntary celibate (incels) - predominantly men who blame women for their failure to get laid - call a Kissless Handholdless, Hugless Virgin (KHHV).
I discovered this because, although the response to the video was largely positive and a lot of people said they could really relate to it, it also attracted the attention of incels around the world. Links to the video got posted in dark corners of the internet like 4Chan and 8Chan, forums where a lot of these women-hating guys vent their rage. Dozens of other incel forums have sprung up all over the internet in recent years, with some recording over 40,000 members.
Some of the incels commenting on my video said things like that I should hire a prostitute to lose my virginity. It got so intense that I responded saying I wasn’t interested in that, that I would never pay a woman to have sex with me, and what I wanted was a meaningful relationship.
Incel Aged 18
COURTESY OF JAMES
James, aged 18
Before that, I didn’t fully understand what the term ‘incel’ meant. I’d seen it used in memes a bit, and in online chats where it seemed like a lighthearted insult. I’d never connected it with the brutal killings that Elliot Rodger, a 22-year-old virgin whose deep hatred of women seemed driven by his sexual frustration, carried out in California in 2014. I’d read about those shootings around the time they happened and was shocked. Since then there have been at least three mass killings in North America linked to incel ideology.
It was only later that I realised that Rodger was being hailed as a ‘hero’ by some people online. I remember coming across his YouTube channel a few years later and being really surprised that his videos - where he raged against women for rejecting him and outlined plans for his killing spree - were still up. I admit that I watched them all. I was just curious to find out why everyone was talking about this odd-looking, angry guy - why some people were calling him a “saint” and the “supreme gentleman.” It just seemed ridiculous to me that someone could feel like he was entitled to be with women - he clearly got lost in the darkness. While I know what it’s like to feel lonely and isolated, my attitude has always been totally different.
For me, I’ve never felt like I deserved to be with a woman. Instead I’ve always felt like I wasn’t attractive enough, or tall enough, or muscly enough, or interesting enough to ever be worthy of female attention. It’s not like I’ve spent all this time since I was a teenager thinking I should be having sex. Instead, I was constantly thinking about all the things that were wrong with me. I never felt like I was good enough for a relationship.
Incel Song lyrics
BBC THREE
James reflects on some song lyrics he wrote at his 'darkest point'
When I was at my darkest point, I wrote a song about Elliot Rodgers with lines in it like “suck on my nuts, as I blow out your guts”. I know it’s no excuse but I wrote it partly to impress a girl I was talking to online, who was a bit obsessed with the incel community. It was meant as a joke, but I can see now that it’s not funny. What I thought was edgy entertainment, like a musical meme, is actually really offensive to a lot of people and could cause serious upset to the families of the victims. I was at such a low point, feeling like nobody cared, that I didn’t think about the pain it could bring people. I would never make something like that now.
I definitely had opportunities to lose my virginity when I was younger but I had paranoia and social anxiety that stopped me. Looking back, I can see that my troubled childhood played a part in my mental health issues. It was a bad combination of things. My parents got divorced when I was about seven. There was a lot of shouting going on and it felt like a threatening environment. My dad, especially, was in a bad place back then, he became quite an angry person. But he’s worked really hard to make things right and we have a good relationship now.
My worries over my looks really kicked in when I was about 13. My nose got broken during a snowball fight after rugby practice. It was February and the weather was freezing, and someone threw a block of ice at my face. It nearly knocked me out. I was just standing there nearly in tears. I wanted to be a tough guy so I never told anyone about it, not even my mum. It left a big mark on my face. That healed but it left a bump on my nose. I would play with in the mirror for hours, trying to fix it myself but I just made it worse. Then my skin got bad too, which didn’t help. The acne cleared up but it left bad scars. I just felt like I wanted to hide away from the world.
Incel Broken Nose
COURTESY OF JAMES
James began worrying about his appearance after breaking his nose aged 13
Around that time, I started watching porn and also got addicted to video games. I would bunk off school and sit in my bedroom for hours trying to escape from reality. I’d push people away in real life but, at the time, I felt like it didn’t matter because I could just go home and jerk off. It made me feel dirty and uncomfortable in my own skin, and that just fed into my insecurity. I really regret that now and just hope that by telling my story I’m stopping other young people from making the same mistakes.
When I was in my mid 20s, I decided to try and bulk up through weightlifting. I was convinced that having more muscles would make me more attractive to women. And, at first, it did help me feel a bit more confident. I started training regularly and entered some competitions - I liked the feeling of camaraderie that came with that. But then I started taking steroids and that screwed me up more than ever. My hormones went haywire and I developed painful cystic acne on my back and chest - it looked horrible and used to bleed all over my bed sheets every night.
In the incel community, trying to enhance your appearance like this to attract female attention is called “looks maxxing” - some people take it to extremes and spend thousands of pounds on things like jaw surgery and other cosmetic procedures. The furthest I’ve ever gone is to make an appointment to have a nose job, but the surgeon wouldn’t go through with it because he was worried about my mental health.
Incel Acne
BBC THREE
After taking steroids, James has struggled with acne
Now, for the first time in my life, I’m in a relationship with an amazing woman called Sara. We connected through my video. She left a comment saying that she would date me and we started chatting. I was so happy when it turned out that she was also a KHHV, because I really wanted to share those ‘first time’ experiences with somebody who was on the same wavelength. I just felt like it would be more special that way.
Sara lives in Italy, so we got to know each over video chat, and it just felt right from the start. We met up in person for the first time in May. I flew out to Italy where she lives. I was a bit nervous but seeing her waiting for me at the airport was just the best feeling. She has her own insecurities and was really shy at first but we had a great time. We walked and talked for ages, and ate incredible gelato and pizza. I bought some wine too, even though I don’t normally drink very much. I just wanted to try everything with her.
I’d rented a small flat and persuaded her to stay there with me. My libido was really low because of the steroids I’d been taking, so we didn’t have sex but we held hands, kissed and hugged. My favourite memory from the trip is just cuddling with her in bed. It felt so amazing - I didn’t want it to end. She gives the best hugs, she really squeezes you and it just feels so good. I’d never been close to another person like that before and I just wanted it to last forever.
Incel girlfriend
BBC THREE
James chats to his new girlfriend who he met online
Saying goodbye to her at the end of the week was terrible. We were both emotional. I feel like she’s my soulmate and just hope we can have a future together. These days, I don’t define myself by any labels - there is no ideology that I need to conform to. I’m just a simple fool trying to learn from my past mistakes. When I hear from young men online who are getting pulled into the incel world, I just tell them to get out there, to meet people and get the help they need. Otherwise, they will just fester alone in their bedrooms, like I did, and get sucked into an echo chamber of hate.
When I put myself out there on YouTube, almost eight months ago, I never dreamed I’d meet my perfect partner. Now, I’ve been given a chance to break free from inceldom and, I feel like, finally, there is light in my life.
As told to: Serena Kutchinsky
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, information about help and support is available here.
Watch Inside the Secret World of Incels on BBC Three iPlayer from 14 July 2019

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He still is


Also mirin copy paste
 
Who let their granddad use their pc?
 
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