Dickdazzler
DM open for personal advice
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My son is s*icidal because he can't find a girlfriend or have intimacy. I don't know what to do.
(Just a note: I'm the older brother in this story. My mom wanted to ask for help online so I posted this for her. This is all her words, and I'll relay any questions to her)I don't know what to do with my 19-year-old son. Growing up he was such a sweet boy. He had anger issues, sure, but he would always go out of the way to help people. He was kind, funny, goofy, and so so smart. I just tried to give him and his brother my best, along with my husband. We raised them to be kind, caring, respectful, and diligent.
But every since he turned 14 things changed. At first it was just him being introverted. Which is completely fine, both me and his father were introverted. He grew up in a rural school that was connected to a small town, so he knew most of his classmates. He was popular in his High School, despite being quiet, because of his friendliness and funny behavior. He was so so so intelligent, he always knew so much about history and science. We even signed him up for Community College, where he got his associates by 17. He never showed interest in girls until later in High School. He always said he was never interested and more focused on getting good grades. That changed when he hit 17 though. He started dating and putting himself out there. But the girls he talked to were so so mean to him. One story he told me a girl called him a F****t and told him she would never date someone as ugly as him. Another time some girls asked him out as a "dare" and bullied him when he followed her to her house, where her friends were waiting. He had no luck on dating apps when he turned 18, and just struggled in general due to his shyness. He became bitter, and started insulting/verbally abusing his brother, who started dating in his teens and sometimes made fun of him for being lonely. He even started verbally abusing us. His father stopped it very quickly, and he did seem remorseful, but it always left a scar on us.
Once he got to college is where things went downhill fast. He became very very depressed, almost suicidal. His gpa went from a 4.2 in Community College and a 4.1 in high school, to a 2.45 in University. He made some girls uncomfortable because he couldn't tell they didn't want to talk to him anymore, and just because he was a big boy (He's 6 foot 4, 280 pounds. We've been trying to help him lose weight, and he's down 100 pounds. I'm still so proud of him). Me and my husband always were open about dating and sex when he showed interest in dating, offering to buy him condoms, lube, tell him whatever he wanted to know (within reason), etc. But he would just vent about how much girls hate him and how ugly he was. It got to the point where he was threatening suicide. We got him help. The best doctors we could afford, medicine, therapy. But nothing worked. Eventually we tried to ignore him and believed he was doing it for attention. But then he tried to actually end his life. We got him committed to a hospital after that, where his stay was extended 3 times due to attempts at his life.
Once he finally got out, it seemed like he was improving for a bit. He joined his school's rowing team, started working out made friends, and his grades improved. But a few months ago, in his second year, he made an attempt on his life again. When we tried to talk to him, he yelled at me and his father, just screaming about how much he hated his life, how he hated us, how much he hated being a "incel virgin loser", about how he would do anything for someone to cuddle him and kiss him and say I love you to him. We didn't know what to do. At one point my Husband offered to buy him an escort to "ease the pain" and he just exploded. He threw stuff, screamed like a banshee, and even hit his father. We threw him out of the house and off his college fund because we just didn't know what to do, and within 2 days we got a call that he was in the hospital for an opioid overdose.
I just don't know what to do. I've tried to give him the best dating advice I could, but he always says that it "doesn't work nowadays". His father helped him more, telling him he didn't have his first girlfriend until he was 21 and trying to offer him a step by step guide to get a girlfriend. But he stopped doing it after a couple of failures. He's violent to the idea of getting an escort, and his therapist says that it would just make his situation way worse. All he does now is go to class, go to rowing, workout, and stay in his room and play video games. He's started identifying as a so called incel, saying that because he's ugly, he'll die alone and never find anyone. My heart just breaks hearing him. I love him so so much, and I know he'll do great things one day. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing works. Therapy, meds, hospitals, advice, helping him find places to meet people. He's always just so sad and angry. I'm surprised that he isn't on drugs (I've searched his room high and low, and can't find any. His brother also says he tells him he has never done drugs). He constantly says he'll do anything for a girlfriend, and that he's so alone and s&&cidal that he thinks about ending his own life constantly. He says that all his pain and anguish would go away if he could just find a girlfriend.
I know he'll find someone someday, but I just don't know what to do in the meantime. I don't know where I went wrong. I just loved him and wanted the best for him. I gave everything for him. This is destroying my marriage. My husband and I are always constantly on edge. Me and him cry every single night. He's become so much more angry and irritable, blowing up at the smallest things. I've been pulling my hair out in stress and my husband is always one bad day away from a heart attack. I just want my happy, kind, sweet, caring, funny, smart baby back. I just want my normal life back. I just want my son back.
