nathan
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Here are a list of things that ive internalized and have been working on over the years. I would appreciate if you would leave your own tips in the comments. It would be nice to make a master list of social tips and tricks. Ive probably missed some things, and im hoping you guys will fill in the blanks and teach me some new things. Apologies if these are written strangely, I'm not the best at articulating my thoughts.
Maintain meaningful eye contact to establish presence. Shifty eyes can indicate discomfort and a lack of confidence.
Stop speaking from the back of your throat and start speaking from your chest.
Avoid looking at the floor, always look straight forward or up.
You can practice the way you talk by recording a conversation with yourself every day. This helps you articulate yourself better, which is a big aspect of confidence.
Smiles and laughter are contagious. Same with enthusiasm.
People love hearing their names, say them frequently. Nicknames may also help to endear you to them, but i haven't thoroughly tested this.
Chest out, shoulders back. Good posture = confidence. Take up space. Hold yourself like a king.
A conversation takes place entirely in the moment, stop thinking about what youre going to say, or what you have said, and work on being present. Devote all of your attention to the conversation at hand to establish presence. When you find your mind wandering, take a deep breath and bring yourself back to the moment. On this same note, avoid fidgeting (sign of discomfort) or playing with something (like your phone) when in a conversation.
Whether people conciously realize it or not, anxiety is always noticeable, and infectious. Take a deep breath and calm yourself.
People like beautiful people, but theres only so much you can do to your face. Be healthy and dress nice to maximize your looks. (Theres a whole lot i could go into on picking the right outfit for the occasion, but itd be too much for this post)
This one is a half baked observation that i haven't properly tested yet. Beauty comes from symmetry, but if you're anything like me, youre not beautiful or symmetrical. Slightly exaggerated facial expressions (dont go overboard) can help to hide this and probably make you seem more personable.
Ask people for favors. People like feeling useful.
To establish friendliness (agreeableness?), sit next to someone rather than across from them.
Body follows mind, mind follows body. Its almost impossible to conciously maintain confident body language. But if you can get yourself in a confident mindset (fake it till you make it works wonders here) your body will follow. Equally, if youre having a hard time getting yourself in a good mood, go somewhere private and throw your hands in the air, start dancing, jump around, etc. This one is lame, but its hard to be in a bad mood when youre like that. If you have good enough charisma you may actually be able to do this in front of others and you might find that your projected exitement becomes contagious (caution, know your crowd).
Adding on to the last point, to be charismatic, you need to be in a charismatic mood. A bad mood will ruin your social skills, so learn to control your emotions.
Make people feel unique and special. Modern people like hearing about how theyre different from others (in good ways).
A persons favorite topic is themselves. (This is a big one)
Compliments are great, but make them meaningful. Compliments on appearance tend to have less of an effect on women, but both men and women appreciate compliments on personality traits like kindness, attitude, intelligence, etc. Strike a balance though. Dont excessively compliment lest they take them for granted and they lose their value.
Make people associate your appearance/presence with pleasent things. You want to reward people for talking to you and being around you. Gifts and good smells work well, but good feelings work the best. This one is difficult to establish (im still trying to figure it out myself, I would very much appreciate if someone could add on to this), but try not to make people associate negative feelings with you (awkwardness and anxiety are big killers on this one).
Make people seek you out. If you initiate conversation too often, it can turn people off from you. Conversation with you is a treat, people should come to you to earn it.
Mimic body language. In the event that your partner is exhibiting negative body language, continue to mimic them but slowly transform your own body language into that of confident body language, and oftentimes your partner will follow and inadvertently cheer themselves up. Mind follows body.
Adopt certain phrases/sayings/metaphors/etc based on the interests of the person youre talking to.
First impressions are incredibly important
Establish yourself as reliable. Be the first to rise to a challenge. Be the first to speak when the waiter asks for your order.
A healthy amount of mystery is important to keep people interested in you.
Offer comfort, not advice (unless asked).
Recognize harmful thought processes and quell them quickly. I tend to sabotage my own conversations when theyre going too well, and i start doubting that i can keep it going. Recognize these doubts, take a deep breath, and regain your presence.
Good social skills are boosted by a genuine love and interest in people. If you want a reliable way to practice social skills, eat at a restauraunt alone and make conversation with your server. They have an incentive to talk to you (tips) so you'll always find a decent conversation partner.
A lot of your social skill has to do with your internal state. Its difficult to do anything socially when youre also trying to overcome anxiety, apathy, and low self esteem. Most confident people never have to think about things this hard. Think of the queen bee in high school, or the stars of the football team. Everybody loves them, but i don't remember seeing any of them pick up "how to win friends and influence people". The strength of us less charismatic people is that we've been forced to assess our own inadequacy, and through diligent research and study, we've learned the ins and outs of conversation. We have comprehensive and thorough knowledge of what makes people charismatic. If you can conquer your internal roadblocks, talking to people will be a walk in the park.
Maintain meaningful eye contact to establish presence. Shifty eyes can indicate discomfort and a lack of confidence.
Stop speaking from the back of your throat and start speaking from your chest.
Avoid looking at the floor, always look straight forward or up.
You can practice the way you talk by recording a conversation with yourself every day. This helps you articulate yourself better, which is a big aspect of confidence.
Smiles and laughter are contagious. Same with enthusiasm.
People love hearing their names, say them frequently. Nicknames may also help to endear you to them, but i haven't thoroughly tested this.
Chest out, shoulders back. Good posture = confidence. Take up space. Hold yourself like a king.
A conversation takes place entirely in the moment, stop thinking about what youre going to say, or what you have said, and work on being present. Devote all of your attention to the conversation at hand to establish presence. When you find your mind wandering, take a deep breath and bring yourself back to the moment. On this same note, avoid fidgeting (sign of discomfort) or playing with something (like your phone) when in a conversation.
Whether people conciously realize it or not, anxiety is always noticeable, and infectious. Take a deep breath and calm yourself.
People like beautiful people, but theres only so much you can do to your face. Be healthy and dress nice to maximize your looks. (Theres a whole lot i could go into on picking the right outfit for the occasion, but itd be too much for this post)
This one is a half baked observation that i haven't properly tested yet. Beauty comes from symmetry, but if you're anything like me, youre not beautiful or symmetrical. Slightly exaggerated facial expressions (dont go overboard) can help to hide this and probably make you seem more personable.
Ask people for favors. People like feeling useful.
To establish friendliness (agreeableness?), sit next to someone rather than across from them.
Body follows mind, mind follows body. Its almost impossible to conciously maintain confident body language. But if you can get yourself in a confident mindset (fake it till you make it works wonders here) your body will follow. Equally, if youre having a hard time getting yourself in a good mood, go somewhere private and throw your hands in the air, start dancing, jump around, etc. This one is lame, but its hard to be in a bad mood when youre like that. If you have good enough charisma you may actually be able to do this in front of others and you might find that your projected exitement becomes contagious (caution, know your crowd).
Adding on to the last point, to be charismatic, you need to be in a charismatic mood. A bad mood will ruin your social skills, so learn to control your emotions.
Make people feel unique and special. Modern people like hearing about how theyre different from others (in good ways).
A persons favorite topic is themselves. (This is a big one)
Compliments are great, but make them meaningful. Compliments on appearance tend to have less of an effect on women, but both men and women appreciate compliments on personality traits like kindness, attitude, intelligence, etc. Strike a balance though. Dont excessively compliment lest they take them for granted and they lose their value.
Make people associate your appearance/presence with pleasent things. You want to reward people for talking to you and being around you. Gifts and good smells work well, but good feelings work the best. This one is difficult to establish (im still trying to figure it out myself, I would very much appreciate if someone could add on to this), but try not to make people associate negative feelings with you (awkwardness and anxiety are big killers on this one).
Make people seek you out. If you initiate conversation too often, it can turn people off from you. Conversation with you is a treat, people should come to you to earn it.
Mimic body language. In the event that your partner is exhibiting negative body language, continue to mimic them but slowly transform your own body language into that of confident body language, and oftentimes your partner will follow and inadvertently cheer themselves up. Mind follows body.
Adopt certain phrases/sayings/metaphors/etc based on the interests of the person youre talking to.
First impressions are incredibly important
Establish yourself as reliable. Be the first to rise to a challenge. Be the first to speak when the waiter asks for your order.
A healthy amount of mystery is important to keep people interested in you.
Offer comfort, not advice (unless asked).
Recognize harmful thought processes and quell them quickly. I tend to sabotage my own conversations when theyre going too well, and i start doubting that i can keep it going. Recognize these doubts, take a deep breath, and regain your presence.
Good social skills are boosted by a genuine love and interest in people. If you want a reliable way to practice social skills, eat at a restauraunt alone and make conversation with your server. They have an incentive to talk to you (tips) so you'll always find a decent conversation partner.
A lot of your social skill has to do with your internal state. Its difficult to do anything socially when youre also trying to overcome anxiety, apathy, and low self esteem. Most confident people never have to think about things this hard. Think of the queen bee in high school, or the stars of the football team. Everybody loves them, but i don't remember seeing any of them pick up "how to win friends and influence people". The strength of us less charismatic people is that we've been forced to assess our own inadequacy, and through diligent research and study, we've learned the ins and outs of conversation. We have comprehensive and thorough knowledge of what makes people charismatic. If you can conquer your internal roadblocks, talking to people will be a walk in the park.
THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU 🗣🗣
