returnofthecutecel
Apricot
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2025
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Since I was 14, my life has been defined by isolation. No friends, no parties, no relationships — not even a kiss. While other people built memories, I stood on the sidelines, invisible.
2015 – The First Cut
High school bullying broke me. I stopped speaking up in class. My world shrank to my room, my family, and a computer screen. I thought it would get better. It never did.
2019 – Collapse in the Dorm
I started Computer Science and moved to a residence hall. I couldn’t leave my room without panic. Every meal was two lorazepam pills just to sit in the dining hall alone.
After two weeks, I dropped out.
I found looksmax.org after getting destroyed on r/truerateme. I thought fixing my face and body would fix my life. I started lifting, took accutane, learned skincare. I learned guitar so I wouldn’t hang myself. It kept me breathing, but nothing changed socially.
2020 – Another False Start
I tried a double degree in Statistics + CS. Dropped out after two weeks again. I switched to Biotechnology. I kept my head down. I never integrated.
2024 – The Breaking Point
My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Stage IB, resected, but with a grim prognosis.
During my final year of uni, I cried in the lab almost every day. The day I got his biopsy result, I was in the lab working on my thesis. The world kept moving, but I felt like my life had already ended.
2025 – Empty Victory
I graduated in Biotechnology. I passed the hardest course I had failed for years. But there was no celebration, no friends, no one to share it with.
I feel like I’ve lived less than a 14-year-old. I missed the basic human experiences everyone else takes for granted.
Now
Lately I’ve been thinking about writing a “final statement” — not to say goodbye, but to explain exactly what a decade of isolation, bullying, and watching my father fight cancer has done to me.
Not to glorify quitting life, but to show the raw, unfiltered truth of what happens when a human being is left alone for too long.
If I ever write it, it will be part memoir, part warning. Maybe a conceptual album and a book. Maybe both. I don’t know if anyone would care, but I’d put everything in it.
What do you think? Anyone here relate to a decade of isolation?
2015 – The First Cut
High school bullying broke me. I stopped speaking up in class. My world shrank to my room, my family, and a computer screen. I thought it would get better. It never did.
2019 – Collapse in the Dorm
I started Computer Science and moved to a residence hall. I couldn’t leave my room without panic. Every meal was two lorazepam pills just to sit in the dining hall alone.
After two weeks, I dropped out.
I found looksmax.org after getting destroyed on r/truerateme. I thought fixing my face and body would fix my life. I started lifting, took accutane, learned skincare. I learned guitar so I wouldn’t hang myself. It kept me breathing, but nothing changed socially.
2020 – Another False Start
I tried a double degree in Statistics + CS. Dropped out after two weeks again. I switched to Biotechnology. I kept my head down. I never integrated.
2024 – The Breaking Point
My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Stage IB, resected, but with a grim prognosis.
During my final year of uni, I cried in the lab almost every day. The day I got his biopsy result, I was in the lab working on my thesis. The world kept moving, but I felt like my life had already ended.
2025 – Empty Victory
I graduated in Biotechnology. I passed the hardest course I had failed for years. But there was no celebration, no friends, no one to share it with.
I feel like I’ve lived less than a 14-year-old. I missed the basic human experiences everyone else takes for granted.
Now
Lately I’ve been thinking about writing a “final statement” — not to say goodbye, but to explain exactly what a decade of isolation, bullying, and watching my father fight cancer has done to me.
Not to glorify quitting life, but to show the raw, unfiltered truth of what happens when a human being is left alone for too long.
If I ever write it, it will be part memoir, part warning. Maybe a conceptual album and a book. Maybe both. I don’t know if anyone would care, but I’d put everything in it.
What do you think? Anyone here relate to a decade of isolation?
