giga_aspie
Banned
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2024
- Posts
- 212
- Reputation
- 282
im basically a brainless 16 year old, no complete knowledge or solid knowledge of anything of the sort, im what you’d call a failure, or a social reject.
I don’t want to blame my parents, but I’d say the situation with them isn’t the best, both of them are missing in-action, they are divorced, my father is across the world somewhere in France, and he contacts me very rarely, still does nonetheless, my
mother visits every month or so, I’d say.
it wasn’t like this my entire life, up until age 8-9 my father was an alcoholic and used to abuse my mother. Physically and mentally, he was a gambling addict as-well.
I’d rather not be over-dramatic, but I’ll put it how it is, I’d say me and my brother have went through a load of trauma, from listening to my father beat my mother for half of my life-span, to him covering my ears whenever my father came home.
Nonetheless, currently I live with my grandma, in some shit half-village/half-city, like a hybrid of both, it is a shit hole to so describe it, I mean there are 0 social events, and if there is any event it’s held locally within your family, or your group of friends that you most likely made during childhood or school/kindergarten, there is absolutely nobody outside except for old dying grandpas and grandmas bargaining on the street and in the “Bazaar” or the Food marketplace
So you may have questions, why don’t YOU make friends ? and the truth is painful for me, I didn’t grow up here, and I’ve switched schools about 2-3 times, I’ve always been non-social, I don’t really have the interest to interact with anybody around me, mostly because of how insecure I am of my self-image.
More about the self image, the reason I even found this forum is because I was and still am insecure, I’ve treated looks like my first priority ever since I’ve gained “consciousness”, and or ever since I became “self-aware”, shortly after the looksmaxxing trends on TikTok, I investigated more and fell into black-pilling myself.
Now about where I live, my grandma and grandpa are I’d say, very mentally challenged, I mean like I barely want to stay home with the amount of screaming I have to put up, always my grandma screaming at my grandpa, in the morning at 6 am, at night, midday, to the point I take walks and started hobbies like MMA, and developed going to the gym.
I was a “gymcel” for a while, until it clicked, my face looked bloated, fat, horrendous in pictures, I looked like a sad egotistical sponge who was full of himself, and my entire personality was the gym.
About a year and a half ago, I realized that I did not want to look this way, I looked hideous, I looked worse than everyone else around me, so I went and discovered org, looksmax.org, where I purposefully decided on debloating just to see my facial features become more prominent, and me not having to worry about looking like an oversized ballon animal.
I dropped about 30 kilos or roughly 66 lbs, at this point my face was pretty “chiseled” I could see my zygos, I had visible cheekbones even in shit lighting, had visible low bf, abs, and everything, I even comforted myself that I looked great, I mean some girl said I had a model face when I went on ome.tv, so that gave me a bunch of confidence.
However, deep inside I had realized, that I spent half my life, trying to look visually appealing, and yet I struggled with even the slightest bit of social interaction, it’s like someone was pulling a switch on me in my brain, and constantly asking the question “how do you look to this person right now?”
And every time I “improve”, every time I get flashed by a candid picture of myself, or some random mirror placed in a pharmacy, that makes my skin look like plastic, and makes me look like a schizophrenic mess I continue to torture myself with the slop that the looksmaxxing community feeds me.
Things such as carnivore diet, skincare, etc. I mean I don’t even get dopamine anymore, aside from having 0 friends, I spend half of my day doing absolutely nothing, I don’t find video games entertaining, nor books, I can’t manage to find a hobby that interests me, i workout just to workout, so I don’t lose the muscle I’ve built, my entire life is empty, it is full of sorrow, I can’t remember the last time I have properly talked to a person and was myself, my true self is shrouded, never to speak of, because I am afraid of ruining my mental-image, I am afraid of being judged by society
I care too much about this, and it’s making me borderline insane
If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading, but im afraid youve wasted your time. Or maybe you’ve had a perspective of my boring, pointless meaningless life and my bland experience with it.
I don’t want to blame my parents, but I’d say the situation with them isn’t the best, both of them are missing in-action, they are divorced, my father is across the world somewhere in France, and he contacts me very rarely, still does nonetheless, my
mother visits every month or so, I’d say.
it wasn’t like this my entire life, up until age 8-9 my father was an alcoholic and used to abuse my mother. Physically and mentally, he was a gambling addict as-well.
I’d rather not be over-dramatic, but I’ll put it how it is, I’d say me and my brother have went through a load of trauma, from listening to my father beat my mother for half of my life-span, to him covering my ears whenever my father came home.
Nonetheless, currently I live with my grandma, in some shit half-village/half-city, like a hybrid of both, it is a shit hole to so describe it, I mean there are 0 social events, and if there is any event it’s held locally within your family, or your group of friends that you most likely made during childhood or school/kindergarten, there is absolutely nobody outside except for old dying grandpas and grandmas bargaining on the street and in the “Bazaar” or the Food marketplace
So you may have questions, why don’t YOU make friends ? and the truth is painful for me, I didn’t grow up here, and I’ve switched schools about 2-3 times, I’ve always been non-social, I don’t really have the interest to interact with anybody around me, mostly because of how insecure I am of my self-image.
More about the self image, the reason I even found this forum is because I was and still am insecure, I’ve treated looks like my first priority ever since I’ve gained “consciousness”, and or ever since I became “self-aware”, shortly after the looksmaxxing trends on TikTok, I investigated more and fell into black-pilling myself.
Now about where I live, my grandma and grandpa are I’d say, very mentally challenged, I mean like I barely want to stay home with the amount of screaming I have to put up, always my grandma screaming at my grandpa, in the morning at 6 am, at night, midday, to the point I take walks and started hobbies like MMA, and developed going to the gym.
I was a “gymcel” for a while, until it clicked, my face looked bloated, fat, horrendous in pictures, I looked like a sad egotistical sponge who was full of himself, and my entire personality was the gym.
About a year and a half ago, I realized that I did not want to look this way, I looked hideous, I looked worse than everyone else around me, so I went and discovered org, looksmax.org, where I purposefully decided on debloating just to see my facial features become more prominent, and me not having to worry about looking like an oversized ballon animal.
I dropped about 30 kilos or roughly 66 lbs, at this point my face was pretty “chiseled” I could see my zygos, I had visible cheekbones even in shit lighting, had visible low bf, abs, and everything, I even comforted myself that I looked great, I mean some girl said I had a model face when I went on ome.tv, so that gave me a bunch of confidence.
However, deep inside I had realized, that I spent half my life, trying to look visually appealing, and yet I struggled with even the slightest bit of social interaction, it’s like someone was pulling a switch on me in my brain, and constantly asking the question “how do you look to this person right now?”
And every time I “improve”, every time I get flashed by a candid picture of myself, or some random mirror placed in a pharmacy, that makes my skin look like plastic, and makes me look like a schizophrenic mess I continue to torture myself with the slop that the looksmaxxing community feeds me.
Things such as carnivore diet, skincare, etc. I mean I don’t even get dopamine anymore, aside from having 0 friends, I spend half of my day doing absolutely nothing, I don’t find video games entertaining, nor books, I can’t manage to find a hobby that interests me, i workout just to workout, so I don’t lose the muscle I’ve built, my entire life is empty, it is full of sorrow, I can’t remember the last time I have properly talked to a person and was myself, my true self is shrouded, never to speak of, because I am afraid of ruining my mental-image, I am afraid of being judged by society
I care too much about this, and it’s making me borderline insane
If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading, but im afraid youve wasted your time. Or maybe you’ve had a perspective of my boring, pointless meaningless life and my bland experience with it.
