ElySioNs
Mercenary
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2021
- Posts
- 1,875
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- 3,888
Some of you may remember me. I was a regular poster here for some time. I've been gone for a long time due to extensive sea time (I work on the waters up and down the coasts of Alaska. I'm not a fisherman, sorry. Any crab I catch, I eat 
). The great thing about working a sea is it really gives you a chance to look inside yourself.
As far as I can tell, I was the dean of the DB forum for having been in one for over 20 years, yet still staying with my wife. I stay for a wide variety of reasons, all of which various posters have stated in their own threads. There is little new under our sad sun. What is important is I owned my decision to stay and create a full life for myself. For all of you who chose to stay, you can do the same. But don't kid yourself - it sucks like nobody's business.
Anyway, why I came back. Because after over 20 years, my wife actually opened up to me why we haven't had sex in over two decades. I thought I'd share with you all some of the highlights. While everyone's situation is different, the answers probably are universal. With luck, this info might help some of you in your process. So, here goes...
1-Sex is for attracting and landing a mate. Then for reproduction. It's not a lifetime obligation. 2-There is too much pressure to do sex "right". Better to not do it at all. 3-Yes, she knew it hurt me, but she was sure I would stay. Therefore, why engage in the argument? Especially since it might lead to some kind of sex. Easier to say and do nothing. 4-Her identity didn't stem from her genitals. Mine shouldn't either. 5-Yes, she did/does love me. Don't need sex to prove it. 6-No, she did not/does not miss it. The last 20+ years since I quit trying have been "pleasant". 7-My value outside of the bedroom was far greater than inside. I was a good father, husband, provider, ect. Being a good lover wasn't important to her. 8-Sex is messy, sweaty, messes up her hair, leads to wanting more sex. Far better things to do with her time. 9-Yes, orgasms are enjoyable, but so is a good meal. Good meals don't come with baggage. 10-If she could have gone her whole life without sex, she would have. 11-No, she has not had a lover, pined for one, ect. She has never masturbated. She is not attracted to women. Why should she do any of this?
There was more stuff, but it gets sorta redundant and is more justification than explanation. You probably get the overall point. Sex for her was a means to certain ends. Once accomplished, it no longer served any valuable purpose in her life.
I'm honestly not mad by this. I got over being decades ago. I made the choice to stay. It's telling she knew it was hurting me but chose to do anything about it. In a way I can respect the cold logic to it. She was getting the life she wanted. Why do something unnecessary to retain it?
So there you have it. A honest peek behind the curtain of someone who has zero desire for sex. I'm not sure what any of you can do with this information, but there is it. I hope it does someone some good somehow.
The main thing I hope the forum takes from this is your happiness is in YOUR hands. Don't give your DB partner the power to hurt you. Stay or go, create the best life you can. But own your life. And should you leave, give then something they don't give us. Honesty.
As far as anyone knows, this is the only life of this kind we ever get. Don't waste it. Good luck, God Bless, and whenever possible, have damn good sex.
). The great thing about working a sea is it really gives you a chance to look inside yourself.As far as I can tell, I was the dean of the DB forum for having been in one for over 20 years, yet still staying with my wife. I stay for a wide variety of reasons, all of which various posters have stated in their own threads. There is little new under our sad sun. What is important is I owned my decision to stay and create a full life for myself. For all of you who chose to stay, you can do the same. But don't kid yourself - it sucks like nobody's business.
Anyway, why I came back. Because after over 20 years, my wife actually opened up to me why we haven't had sex in over two decades. I thought I'd share with you all some of the highlights. While everyone's situation is different, the answers probably are universal. With luck, this info might help some of you in your process. So, here goes...
1-Sex is for attracting and landing a mate. Then for reproduction. It's not a lifetime obligation. 2-There is too much pressure to do sex "right". Better to not do it at all. 3-Yes, she knew it hurt me, but she was sure I would stay. Therefore, why engage in the argument? Especially since it might lead to some kind of sex. Easier to say and do nothing. 4-Her identity didn't stem from her genitals. Mine shouldn't either. 5-Yes, she did/does love me. Don't need sex to prove it. 6-No, she did not/does not miss it. The last 20+ years since I quit trying have been "pleasant". 7-My value outside of the bedroom was far greater than inside. I was a good father, husband, provider, ect. Being a good lover wasn't important to her. 8-Sex is messy, sweaty, messes up her hair, leads to wanting more sex. Far better things to do with her time. 9-Yes, orgasms are enjoyable, but so is a good meal. Good meals don't come with baggage. 10-If she could have gone her whole life without sex, she would have. 11-No, she has not had a lover, pined for one, ect. She has never masturbated. She is not attracted to women. Why should she do any of this?
There was more stuff, but it gets sorta redundant and is more justification than explanation. You probably get the overall point. Sex for her was a means to certain ends. Once accomplished, it no longer served any valuable purpose in her life.
I'm honestly not mad by this. I got over being decades ago. I made the choice to stay. It's telling she knew it was hurting me but chose to do anything about it. In a way I can respect the cold logic to it. She was getting the life she wanted. Why do something unnecessary to retain it?
So there you have it. A honest peek behind the curtain of someone who has zero desire for sex. I'm not sure what any of you can do with this information, but there is it. I hope it does someone some good somehow.
The main thing I hope the forum takes from this is your happiness is in YOUR hands. Don't give your DB partner the power to hurt you. Stay or go, create the best life you can. But own your life. And should you leave, give then something they don't give us. Honesty.
As far as anyone knows, this is the only life of this kind we ever get. Don't waste it. Good luck, God Bless, and whenever possible, have damn good sex.
