AITA for “mansplaining” bread?

[Deleted member 4645]

This happened a couple of years ago and I still feel embarrassed when the memory surfaces.

I (31M) work as a lead photographer with a mostly female crew of stylists. I had just returned to work from a long weekend trip and was having lunch in the break room with my team. Typical small talk was occurring and my vacation was asked about. I told everybody that I had a great time in Random City and that we had so many amazing meals. I went on to talk about this one restaurant where even the bread blew my mind because it was so good! I said “They made this delicious bread called ‘focaccia’ which is an Italian pull apart bread with herbs that you dip in olive oil...” One of my coworkers at they table got an upset look on her face and replied “Wow, thanks for mansplaining. Are you going to explain the fajitas she’s currently eating next?” Everybody at the table laughed. I turned red, apologized, and finished my lunch quietly.

At first I felt like TA, but the more I thought about it... she’s not a baker! I thought it was an obscure type of bread. I had never had it before and have been to many Italian restaurants. I always thought mansplaining was explaining something obvious in a condescending way. Like trying explain vaccines to a doctor or telling a mechanic how to check tire pressure.

My wife says I did nothing wrong but all the ladies at the table laughed at me and seemed to agree. So AITA here?

 

[Deleted member 4645]

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[Deleted member 4645]

YTA focaccia is extremely common, why are you explaining it as if it's exotic lol. Not a big deal though.

 

[Deleted member 4645]

YTA so, here’s the thing. If they felt comfortable enough to point out the problem gently, and everyone agreed. Then this probably isn’t an isolated incident.

You probably have a pattern of over explaining things to your female coworkers and they would like you to stop.

 

[Deleted member 2748]

LOL

 

[Deleted member 4645]

YTA for your response. Very few people are actively malicious when they mansplain. Yours is not an egregious example, but you inadvertently did mansplain a fairly common food.

And don't take solace in the fact that most of Reddit will disagree, because the demographic that populates most of this site is exactly the type to:

• not understand mansplaining.
• think they understand mansplaining and tell everyone who does understand it why they're wrong.
• think that the concept of mansplaining is overused.
• put themselves in your shoes instead of your female coworkers'.

People are defending your feelings to an insane degree -- as if you're a child whose curiosity was snuffed out by a mean adult. You made kind of a bonehead mistake, by assuming something was rare knowledge and launching into a description for an audience. (Up to this point, I might have said n..a.h.) Someone made a joke at your expense. Nobody called HR. Nobody asked for an apology or seriously accused you of sexism. You should have just laughed at yourself and moved on.

 

[Deleted member 6217]

 

[Deleted member 1774]

guys i dont have covid im blessed

 

[Deleted member 4645]

YTA because there is no reason to explain something unless someone asks you to explain it. You want to tell people about something new you tried, say “Hey, I just tried this bread called focaccia bread. It was awesome!” Then wait for someone to say “Ooh, I’ve never heard of it. What is it?”

I can’t think of an example where I have been talking about something and just started defining it. If it’s something really obscure to my industry that I was talking to a non-industry person about, I might throw in “Are you familiar with it?” To make sure I’m not losing the person. But I wouldn’t just assume someone didn’t know what I was talking about.

For all those in this thread that don’t know what focaccia bread is, are you reading the pronunciation wrong and that’s what’s throwing you off? I’m picturing a bunch of people pronouncing it Foe-Ka-See-Ah or something and if they heard the real pronunciation would say Ohh, yeah I’ve heard of that.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

NAH, I mean, it isn’t an obscure type of bread so I think you were being a little silly, but not an asshole. And your friend isn’t necessarily an asshole for telling you that other people are familiar with a pretty popular type of bread.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

NAH, I mean, it isn’t an obscure type of bread so I think you were being a little silly, but not an asshole. And your friend isn’t necessarily an asshole for telling you that other people are familiar with a pretty popular type of bread.

guess I was living under a culinary rock

 

[Deleted member 4645]

NAH, I mean, it isn’t an obscure type of bread so I think you were being a little silly, but not an asshole. And your friend isn’t necessarily an asshole for telling you that other people are familiar with a pretty popular type of bread.

You can explain to people that most people already know something without accusing them of bigotry. Coworker Karen is TA.

Most people who use the word "mansplaining" just have a chip on their shoulder waiting for the opportunity to be in the victim limelight.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

guess I was living under a culinary rock

This reminds me of the time I tried to describe a meme without saying the word -- "yeah, this is a really great re-use of a classic photo, but with a slightly modified, but now funnier joke." My friend looked at me deadass and said "did you just mansplain how memes work?" I laughed when I realized how silly that must have sounded to anyone of any gender. NAH, I think.

 

[Entschuldigung]

How the fuck a 31yo guy can act like this my fucking god

 

[Deleted member 6403]

This reminds me of the time I tried to describe a meme without saying the word -- "yeah, this is a really great re-use of a classic photo, but with a slightly modified, but now funnier joke." My friend looked at me deadass and said "did you just mansplain how memes work?" I laughed when I realized how silly that must have sounded to anyone of any gender. NAH, I think.

Or the time I went to a coffee shop and asked if they could make "like a chai latte but with early gray instead and a little vanilla" and the barista said "...a london fog?" and I felt like a giant dumbass. I thought it was specific to the other coffee shop I had been to! I was 16! I'm so sorry mr. barista

 

[Deleted member 4645]

This reminds me of the time I tried to describe a meme without saying the word -- "yeah, this is a really great re-use of a classic photo, but with a slightly modified, but now funnier joke." My friend looked at me deadass and said "did you just mansplain how memes work?" I laughed when I realized how silly that must have sounded to anyone of any gender. NAH, I think.

Bread is so good!

 

[Deleted member 4645]

Or the time I went to a coffee shop and asked if they could make "like a chai latte but with early gray instead and a little vanilla" and the barista said "...a london fog?" and I felt like a giant dumbass. I thought it was specific to the other coffee shop I had been to! I was 16! I'm so sorry mr. barista

I once had to explain that a London Fog was earl grey not English breakfast and lightly insist that I wanted earl grey. The barista was a bit miffed that I told her how to do her job but she was the one who said “I believe that’s with English breakfast” out loud right after I ordered it.

Edit: so no worries, you’re not the only person who doesn’t know. It’s not on the same level of social knowledge as a cappuccino or hot tea

 

[Deleted member 6403]

Or the time I went to a coffee shop and asked if they could make "like a chai latte but with early gray instead and a little vanilla" and the barista said "...a london fog?" and I felt like a giant dumbass. I thought it was specific to the other coffee shop I had been to! I was 16! I'm so sorry mr. barista

I once had to explain that a London Fog was earl grey not English breakfast and lightly insist that I wanted earl grey. The barista was a bit miffed that I told her how to do her job but she was the one who said “I believe that’s with English breakfast” out loud right after I ordered it.
Edit: so no worries, you’re not the only person who doesn’t know. It’s not on the same level of social knowledge as a cappuccino or hot tea

 

[Entschuldigung]

NAH, I mean, it isn’t an obscure type of bread so I think you were being a little silly, but not an asshole. And your friend isn’t necessarily an asshole for telling you that other people are familiar with a pretty popular type of bread.

Focaccia is obscure where nigga

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I once had to explain that a London Fog was earl grey not English breakfast and lightly insist that I wanted earl grey. The barista was a bit miffed that I told her how to do her job but she was the one who said “I believe that’s with English breakfast” out loud right after I ordered it.

Edit: so no worries, you’re not the only person who doesn’t know. It’s not on the same level of social knowledge as a cappuccino or hot tea

Thank you for validating me. Now that it's on the starbucks menu I think it's a lot more popular, but little 16 year old me visiting Canada for the first time thought it was super obscure. Whoops

 

[Deleted member 6403]

Thank you for validating me. Now that it's on the starbucks menu I think it's a lot more popular, but little 16 year old me visiting Canada for the first time thought it was super obscure. Whoops

I was actually at a Starbucks when I made the correction. To be fair, she had to remember so many drink recipes that she was bound to misremember at least one of them. It was, in fact, a Starbucks email announcing it being added to the menu that introduced me to the drink. Now I make them at home all the time!

 

[Deleted member 4645]

Thank you for validating me. Now that it's on the starbucks menu I think it's a lot more popular, but little 16 year old me visiting Canada for the first time thought it was super obscure. Whoops

I was actually at a Starbucks when I made the correction. To be fair, she had to remember so many drink recipes that she was bound to misremember at least one of them. It was, in fact, a Starbucks email announcing it being added to the menu that introduced me to the drink. Now I make them at home all the time!

 

[Gazzamogga]

Some psycho bitch with blue hair once tried to lecture me for 'manspreading' on the bus when there were like 10+ spots left to sit

I just laughed at her face

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I was actually at a Starbucks when I made the correction. To be fair, she had to remember so many drink recipes that she was bound to misremember at least one of them. It was, in fact, a Starbucks email announcing it being added to the menu that introduced me to the drink. Now I make them at home all the time!

You should also try a Lavender London fog, and you can make them either by adding lavender syrup to your regular London Fog, or by using lavender and earl grey loose leaf tea. It’s super delicious, and I’ve even made it into whipped cream and even made a cheesecake with those flavors!

 

[Deleted member 4645]

You should also try a Lavender London fog, and you can make them either by adding lavender syrup to your regular London Fog, or by using lavender and earl grey loose leaf tea. It’s super delicious, and I’ve even made it into whipped cream and even made a cheesecake with those flavors!

I actually like to switch in lavender syrup for the vanilla at my local coffee place; great minds think alike! I also made a lavender earl grey pound cake at the beginning of quarantine. I will have to try the cheesecake idea.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

You should also try a Lavender London fog, and you can make them either by adding lavender syrup to your regular London Fog, or by using lavender and earl grey loose leaf tea. It’s super delicious, and I’ve even made it into whipped cream and even made a cheesecake with those flavors!

I actually like to switch in lavender syrup for the vanilla at my local coffee place; great minds think alike! I also made a lavender earl grey pound cake at the beginning of quarantine. I will have to try the cheesecake idea.

 

[Deleted member 6403]

I actually like to switch in lavender syrup for the vanilla at my local coffee place; great minds think alike! I also made a lavender earl grey pound cake at the beginning of quarantine. I will have to try the cheesecake idea.

Oh that sounds really good too! I was also thinking about making it into scones as well, and now I have two ideas for recipes! Thank you!

 

[Deleted member 4645]

I actually like to switch in lavender syrup for the vanilla at my local coffee place; great minds think alike! I also made a lavender earl grey pound cake at the beginning of quarantine. I will have to try the cheesecake idea.

That sounds delicious and I’ve never heard of it before!

 

[BigBiceps]

Should've told the bitch to shut the fuck up and keep telling the facts about bread.

 

[Deleted member 4645]

Should've told the bitch to shut the fuck up and keep telling the facts about bread.

I feel you, but it was a story to a co-ed group and it was really clear that he didnt know what focaccia bread was before.

 

[Deleted member 4645]

I feel you, but it was a story to a co-ed group and it was really clear that he didnt know what focaccia bread was before.

I understand, I was trying to explain why I can see the co-worker getting upset quickly. Some days it literally feels like fragile masculinity never ends. I totally get that his intentions were innocent. If I was in a bad mood, I might have slipped and said something similar, especially after having a manager draw a diagram to continue explain basic things after I said I understand, I'll make the change. I definitely do not think OP is TA. But more something to be mindful of the experiences as a woman are drastically different and she was probably triggered thinking now she had to have a bread explained to her. Was she snippy? Yes. I still wouldn't call her TA.

I failed with bad wording, to try to explain to OP why I understand her side of it.

OP : NTA, it was an innocent mistake, but I still think in the future if it happens again, a quick "oops, my bad. I just discovered it." Could be a good plug in. If co-worker still freaks out, then she is TA.

But that's my own two cents.

 

[Deleted member 4645]

I understand, I was trying to explain why I can see the co-worker getting upset quickly. Some days it literally feels like fragile masculinity never ends. I totally get that his intentions were innocent. If I was in a bad mood, I might have slipped and said something similar, especially after having a manager draw a diagram to continue explain basic things after I said I understand, I'll make the change. I definitely do not think OP is TA. But more something to be mindful of the experiences as a woman are drastically different and she was probably triggered thinking now she had to have a bread explained to her. Was she snippy? Yes. I still wouldn't call her TA.

I failed with bad wording, to try to explain to OP why I understand her side of it.

OP : NTA, it was an innocent mistake, but I still think in the future if it happens again, a quick "oops, my bad. I just discovered it." Could be a good plug in. If co-worker still freaks out, then she is TA.

But that's my own two cents.

I totally agree that the prevalence of men talking down to women is mad frustrating. But I do also think that in the push to change this, we need to hold a certain type of respect for the term. Its a very problematic concept and randomly tossing it around as a cheeky response seems to devalue something that should have weight and make a person feel bad about their actions.

I guess to me though a coworker telling a story about how much he loved the food and that they even had this unique amazing bread is so clearly not somone thinking your too stupid to know about a common bread, that calling them subconsciously sexist feels kinda shitty.

Edit: maybe though it is useful to have it as a more flippant term that people can use to loosely joke about and remind people of a shity phenomenon? Idk. I think just its in a weird middle ground where sometimes the term is a very serious accusation and sometimes its a flippant comment at a frustrating world. Its hard to reconcile that when someone says it to you.

 

[piscicide]

AITA is the most cucked subreddit

 

[fukmylyf]

I can agree mansplaining is a bad term that is often misused, but there is a specific kind of patronizing assholery men do onto women that is common and repetitive enough that it exists as distinctly separate from general jerkishness.

I don't think this guy is an asshole, but he did presume that because he didn't know something before that day, no one else would know either. He overestimated his own knowledge, and underestimated his audiences. That's condescending, even if it's unintentional, and perhaps a bit cocky depending on the tone he delivered it with. He was also incorrect in his description (or perhaps his understanding of focaccia) because it's not normally a pull apart bread. She was a bit snarky, but you can't deny that he was clueless and (despite his lack of knowledge) patronizing.

 

[Deleted member 4645]

I can agree mansplaining is a bad term that is often misused, but there is a specific kind of patronizing assholery men do onto women that is common and repetitive enough that it exists as distinctly separate from general jerkishness.

I don't think this guy is an asshole, but he did presume that because he didn't know something before that day, no one else would know either. He overestimated his own knowledge, and underestimated his audiences. That's condescending, even if it's unintentional, and perhaps a bit cocky depending on the tone he delivered it with. He was also incorrect in his description (or perhaps his understanding of focaccia) because it's not normally a pull apart bread. She was a bit snarky, but you can't deny that he was clueless and (despite his lack of knowledge) patronizing.

It’s not the excitement part that was annoying, but the assumption that just because he didn’t know what it was, then obviously no one else does either. Like the previous poster said, many people (me included) solve this issue by simply asking everyone if they know of it, and if they say yes then you can still geek out about it with them without explaining it to them.

 

[Deleted member 8919]

We will live on soy

 

[Deleted member 2748]

lol @ how he didn't want to disclose his trip location for privacy even though he said he ate focaccia which is obviously and italian food....