Acquiescence
#1 Oofy Doofy Jestermaxxer
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2024
- Posts
- 80
- Reputation
- 115
Inb4 it’s completely fucking over for you buddy boyo, I KNOW, I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation, you don’t have to remind me
So on top of having dogshit looks and functional health issues (malocclusion, poor eyesite, acne, allergies, a golf-ball sized bone tumor I had to get surgically removed) that’s taken a lifetime of pain, doctor and specialist visits, medications rotation, internet rabbit hole searches in the dead of night, and endless trial and error to address and achieve at least some level of baseline symptom mitigation…
I ALSO have a neurological disorder (motor and vocal tics, aka fucking Tourette’s) AND mental health issues:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Slip n’ slide ideation
- OCD
- Addictive tendencies
- Rapid mood swings
- Just general low IQ / poor executive function / slowness
But worst of all, lately I’ve been having severe insomnia. It’s always been around (I have very vivid memories of being in elementary school and just staring at the ceiling fan for hours and hours at night, dreading the fatigue to come), but over the past couple of years it’s become an unmitigated hell. Straight up no sleep some nights, other times I’ll sleep solidly for 3 hours then bam, I’m up for the next 24+ hours, rinse and repeat for days on end. And when I finally do sleep well, it’s completely sporadic and random and I can’t replicate it again for some time
It’s been ruining everything, I can barely get through my days at work, I’ve been isolating from friends and family, I can’t even enjoy copes anymore. Unbelievably over tbh
After yet another mental breakdown last night I have to do something NOW or I won’t be long for this world. So I’m going to see a psychiatrist…
Just to be clear I WILL NOT be mentioning ANYTHING related to blackpill, genetic determinism, SI, depression, cosmetic surgery, or pessimism. I believe those are all simply either brutal facts of life one has to get used to, or completely rational reactions to all of this meaningless suffering.
What I WILL be seeking treatment for is some of the strictly mental health - baseline functioning related shit that is getting in the way of even just existing peacefully in a dark locked room at night. I don’t think that kind of goal is bluepilled, and I shouldn’t get gaslit by the psych if I stick to ONLY talking about those issues.
I don’t want to come across as completely doom and gloom. I’ve been steadily making progress in recent times in my career, those aforementioned functional physical health issues, internalizing the bp, identifying and building up a fund for cosmetic surgeries to fix my looks, and in socializing / general frauding of NTness. These final pillars of consistent sleep and improved mental health are the only remaining obstacles to overcome really (that’s feasible to overcome, that is), otherwise it’s just a slow grind till surgery and improved looks and all the benefits that come with that (if I don’t get Frank Tufano’d).
I’ll also say that I don’t think I’ll ever live down this trauma. It’s going to keep me an abused dog forever. Neither will I ever get to go back in time one day after I’ve fixed / mitigated all of this shit and relive my life as it should have been. Just trying to ameliorate what’s already a doomed situation. So consequently I will never get married / have kids / ever be normal, and I have come to accept this.
Not sure why I felt like sharing this tbh. Maybe I just wanted to commiserate with others in this space who’ve gone through similar hells. I’ve never been the type to pretend that everything is well, obv I don’t trauma dump on randoms or at family gatherings but whenever I talk to friends about shit like this I try to keep it real. So I hope anyone else going through similar can relate at least
Have a good day
So on top of having dogshit looks and functional health issues (malocclusion, poor eyesite, acne, allergies, a golf-ball sized bone tumor I had to get surgically removed) that’s taken a lifetime of pain, doctor and specialist visits, medications rotation, internet rabbit hole searches in the dead of night, and endless trial and error to address and achieve at least some level of baseline symptom mitigation…
I ALSO have a neurological disorder (motor and vocal tics, aka fucking Tourette’s) AND mental health issues:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Slip n’ slide ideation
- OCD
- Addictive tendencies
- Rapid mood swings
- Just general low IQ / poor executive function / slowness
But worst of all, lately I’ve been having severe insomnia. It’s always been around (I have very vivid memories of being in elementary school and just staring at the ceiling fan for hours and hours at night, dreading the fatigue to come), but over the past couple of years it’s become an unmitigated hell. Straight up no sleep some nights, other times I’ll sleep solidly for 3 hours then bam, I’m up for the next 24+ hours, rinse and repeat for days on end. And when I finally do sleep well, it’s completely sporadic and random and I can’t replicate it again for some time
It’s been ruining everything, I can barely get through my days at work, I’ve been isolating from friends and family, I can’t even enjoy copes anymore. Unbelievably over tbh
After yet another mental breakdown last night I have to do something NOW or I won’t be long for this world. So I’m going to see a psychiatrist…
Just to be clear I WILL NOT be mentioning ANYTHING related to blackpill, genetic determinism, SI, depression, cosmetic surgery, or pessimism. I believe those are all simply either brutal facts of life one has to get used to, or completely rational reactions to all of this meaningless suffering.
What I WILL be seeking treatment for is some of the strictly mental health - baseline functioning related shit that is getting in the way of even just existing peacefully in a dark locked room at night. I don’t think that kind of goal is bluepilled, and I shouldn’t get gaslit by the psych if I stick to ONLY talking about those issues.
I don’t want to come across as completely doom and gloom. I’ve been steadily making progress in recent times in my career, those aforementioned functional physical health issues, internalizing the bp, identifying and building up a fund for cosmetic surgeries to fix my looks, and in socializing / general frauding of NTness. These final pillars of consistent sleep and improved mental health are the only remaining obstacles to overcome really (that’s feasible to overcome, that is), otherwise it’s just a slow grind till surgery and improved looks and all the benefits that come with that (if I don’t get Frank Tufano’d).
I’ll also say that I don’t think I’ll ever live down this trauma. It’s going to keep me an abused dog forever. Neither will I ever get to go back in time one day after I’ve fixed / mitigated all of this shit and relive my life as it should have been. Just trying to ameliorate what’s already a doomed situation. So consequently I will never get married / have kids / ever be normal, and I have come to accept this.
Not sure why I felt like sharing this tbh. Maybe I just wanted to commiserate with others in this space who’ve gone through similar hells. I’ve never been the type to pretend that everything is well, obv I don’t trauma dump on randoms or at family gatherings but whenever I talk to friends about shit like this I try to keep it real. So I hope anyone else going through similar can relate at least
Have a good day
You got this 
