Alright that’s it I can’t fucking take it anymore, I’m going to see a psychiatrist

[Acquiescence]

Inb4 it’s completely fucking over for you buddy boyo, I KNOW, I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation, you don’t have to remind me

So on top of having dogshit looks and functional health issues (malocclusion, poor eyesite, acne, allergies, a golf-ball sized bone tumor I had to get surgically removed) that’s taken a lifetime of pain, doctor and specialist visits, medications rotation, internet rabbit hole searches in the dead of night, and endless trial and error to address and achieve at least some level of baseline symptom mitigation…

I ALSO have a neurological disorder (motor and vocal tics, aka fucking Tourette’s) AND mental health issues:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Slip n’ slide ideation
- OCD
- Addictive tendencies
- Rapid mood swings
- Just general low IQ / poor executive function / slowness

But worst of all, lately I’ve been having severe insomnia. It’s always been around (I have very vivid memories of being in elementary school and just staring at the ceiling fan for hours and hours at night, dreading the fatigue to come), but over the past couple of years it’s become an unmitigated hell. Straight up no sleep some nights, other times I’ll sleep solidly for 3 hours then bam, I’m up for the next 24+ hours, rinse and repeat for days on end. And when I finally do sleep well, it’s completely sporadic and random and I can’t replicate it again for some time

It’s been ruining everything, I can barely get through my days at work, I’ve been isolating from friends and family, I can’t even enjoy copes anymore. Unbelievably over tbh

After yet another mental breakdown last night I have to do something NOW or I won’t be long for this world. So I’m going to see a psychiatrist…

Just to be clear I WILL NOT be mentioning ANYTHING related to blackpill, genetic determinism, SI, depression, cosmetic surgery, or pessimism. I believe those are all simply either brutal facts of life one has to get used to, or completely rational reactions to all of this meaningless suffering.

What I WILL be seeking treatment for is some of the strictly mental health - baseline functioning related shit that is getting in the way of even just existing peacefully in a dark locked room at night. I don’t think that kind of goal is bluepilled, and I shouldn’t get gaslit by the psych if I stick to ONLY talking about those issues.

I don’t want to come across as completely doom and gloom. I’ve been steadily making progress in recent times in my career, those aforementioned functional physical health issues, internalizing the bp, identifying and building up a fund for cosmetic surgeries to fix my looks, and in socializing / general frauding of NTness. These final pillars of consistent sleep and improved mental health are the only remaining obstacles to overcome really (that’s feasible to overcome, that is), otherwise it’s just a slow grind till surgery and improved looks and all the benefits that come with that (if I don’t get Frank Tufano’d).

I’ll also say that I don’t think I’ll ever live down this trauma. It’s going to keep me an abused dog forever. Neither will I ever get to go back in time one day after I’ve fixed / mitigated all of this shit and relive my life as it should have been. Just trying to ameliorate what’s already a doomed situation. So consequently I will never get married / have kids / ever be normal, and I have come to accept this.

Not sure why I felt like sharing this tbh. Maybe I just wanted to commiserate with others in this space who’ve gone through similar hells. I’ve never been the type to pretend that everything is well, obv I don’t trauma dump on randoms or at family gatherings but whenever I talk to friends about shit like this I try to keep it real. So I hope anyone else going through similar can relate at least

Have a good day

 

[Volksstaffel]

 

[Mr_Bombo_mogs]

I read this all ,keep your head up bro.Maybe all your mental illness will make you famous for art or philosophy or something

 

[bicromial]

I read this all ,keep your head up bro.Maybe all your mental illness will make you famous for art or philosophy or something

What the actual fuck

 

[Azim]

words words words

 

[Bugmaxxed]

maybe it's time to hang the jersey up

 

[Bananaenjoyer]

Life’s a bitch bro you got dealt a horrid hand but keep thuggin it and pushing forward I respect that, all my best to you You got this

 

[Snowskinned]

ChatGPT is better as a therapist than real therapists tbh

But he sucks at fixing physiological issues, unless you ask him

 

[Acquiescence]

ChatGPT is better as a therapist than real therapists tbh

But he sucks at fixing physiological issues, unless you ask him

Unironically this is what I ended up resorting to, and will continue doing

I almost signed up for the psych, but seeing that $200/hr price tag stopped me dead in my tracks

I’ve also tried the therapy/medication route before a couple years ago. And my conclusion? Complete waste of time and money

I mean, there were some legitimately good insights and mental strategies to cope with I reached w the psych after doing a deep dive into my various problems ngl, but it wasn’t anything I haven’t already uncovered by obsessively ruminating over these topics again and again after going down various internet rabbit research holes over the years. And even back then, I knew better then to go on some pessimistic rant about looks and life, so I wasn’t able to keep things 100% real like I am with an LLM

And the medicinal side of things is woefully primitive, it was basically “hmmm, well let’s try this SSRI, maybe it works, maybe it won’t, hope you have fun with the colossal side effects tee hee ”. Fuck ever doing that again. And I say this as a guy who drinks topical min JFL, it’s not the idea or aesthetic of taking meds I’m against, it’s whether or not it will actually move the needle

But yea, the chatbots are actually pretty damn good man. I can spew endless ranting paragraphs at it, and it’s able to sift through all the points and engage meaningfully with me without instantly resorting to gaslighting about “but muh negative thoughts broooo, let’s try to stop those and reframe our thinking to the positive, it couldn’t simply be that life itself is just shit”

At the end of the day, accepting I got fucked over and adjusting my expectations is what it all comes down to. I have to just deal with the fact that each and every day is going to be a Russian roulette of whether I sleep well or get a massive anxiety-induced cortisol spike, and so on. And as far as making definitive improvements to my life, finding the bp and this site and internalizing those truths + planned out ascension surgeries has done far more for me than anything else. So that’s all there is to it really