anybody else feeling guilty about the body malfunctioning because of themselves?

[sguscioner]

I think I have a decent face card, decent body and a okay life, I have parents who support me in everything I do and give me aid whenever I need it, also friends and people outside think I'm a okay guy with everything going for me. I'm 23 years old and already feel like I'm living an elderly life, I feel weak, demotivated. I mostly sit on my desk, listen to music, read books and watch videos about serious topics out of curiosity. I ruined my self esteem, deprived me of love, friendships and everything else that's good that life has to offer. I often blame other people for this dystopic society but sometimes I also doubt myself and start blaming me instead, although I mostly think I did good in every single matter even though it could have been controversial or even nonsense for normies. If I let myself enjoy some of the good activities despite the obvious risks my mind wouldn't have decayed so much. I became so desentisized, so cynic. My body doesn't deserve this, my body is suffering because of the mind that's suffering. That's all my fault, if I wouldn't let my obnoxious thoughts get in the way when decisions were to be taken, I wouldn't be in this pathetic position now. I might have uncovered the veil of ignorance about people, relationships and stuff, but at what cost? at the cost of living miserable at the same time. If only I could swap my brain with that of someone else normie or slighlty more enlightened than that but still not retarded and obnoxious as me, I could give back my body the glory it deserves, because it deserves one, I'm a decent looking fella, but my mind is not right.
I feel sorry for my body. This shouldn't have happened. I started sleeping less because of some stupid mistakes I made dictated by my own stubborness, and now I can't get to live normal and function properly again. I can feel a slight reduction in my testosterone, I have headaches, I'm much more bad-tempered, I sometimes wake up in the morning swearing and I can't stop myself. I'm very hard on myself.

TLDR: I'm missing out, I'm feeling like I'm betraying my body who would deserve to enjoy caresses, love, sex and everything that's good to the body.