Seth Walsh
The man in the mirror is my only threat
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Edgar cut - Wikipedia
1/ Nature is wild, y’all. Scientists have discovered a fascinating new example of “evolutionary adaptation” in urban ecosystems: the 5’6” Gen Z Latinx dude spontaneously developing the “Edgar” haircut to optimize his chances of survival (read: getting a prom date). Let’s break it down.
2/ The Peacock Principle: Just as peacocks evolved absurdly vibrant feathers to attract mates, the Edgar cut (sharp tapers, aggressive lineup, that fringe) emerged as a signal to potential partners. Translation: “I might not reach the top shelf, but I will reach your DMs.” #SurvivalOfTheFittest
3/ Historical Context: Early research shows the Edgar diverged from its ancestral form—the “2016 Dad Fade”—when Gen Z males realized women their age responded better to TikTok swagger than “I mow lawns on weekends” energy. Evolution is efficient.
4/ Key Features:
- The Micro-Fringe: Camouflages forehead acne; directs attention to “smoldering” eye contact.
- Tapered Back & Sides: Creates illusion of height (critical for species averaging 5’6”).
- Lineup So Sharp It Could File Taxes: Confuses predators (see: jealous exes).
6/ Symbiosis Alert: The haircut cannot survive without its partner species—the 19-year-old barber—who communicates exclusively in TikTok tutorials and charges extra for “the sazón” (aka enough gel to stop a hurricane).
7/ Reproductive Success Rate: Preliminary data shows Edgars boasting a 73% higher chance of securing a “u up?” text by 11pm vs. non-Edgars. However, side effects include eternal beef with guys named Derek and becoming your abuela’s sleep paralysis demon.
8/ Future Evolution: Scientists predict the Edgar will split into subspecies by 2025:
- The Curly Top (for romantics)
- The Bleached Frosted Tip (for risk-takers)
- The “I Let My Dog Trim It” (for future telenovela villains).
