Orc
diagnosed autist
Staff
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
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and I don't mean this dramatically, I mean this in the most literal sense possible, it didn't make things harder, it didn't give me a few obstacles of overcome, it rewired the way I relate to the world, to others, and to myself, and the world responded by spitting me out every time I tried to be a part of it.
from the start I was weird and it was obvious (more like obnoxious)
my parents had to put my cradle outside, even in winter, because I wouldn't stop crying inside, I still can't regulate my temperature well and always overheat, I still feel out of place in my own skin and every movement makes me anxious, it makes my skin crawl.
school was fine at first, I talked too much about my interests but people didn't mind, I could learn fine as long as it was engaging, as long as I was interested, there were no major problems.
until the diagnosis hit (and the fire nation attacked)
that changed everything, they shoved me into special ED, they said it was supposed to help, but it was just a warehouse for kids they didn't know what to do with, and what that does to a person can't be undone.
imagine being a kid with no behavioral issues, who just talked too much and didn't get social cues, now you're locked in a room with other kids who scream, fight, throw chairs and get in your face, there was no support, no calm, and you absolutely couldn't learn, it was just chaos and trauma, special education isn't a nice place where people with conditions are helped, it's largely just a dumping ground, mostly for kids who don't have any diagnosis at all but just have shitty parents, as you can imagine they're usually violent, autism wasn't even very common at my school, it was mostly kids with ADHD that didn't take their meds if they had anything at all.
they handed me books meant for elementary school kids when I was in highschool and told me that's all they had, they weren't even pretending anymore, I wasn't supposed to go anywhere after that, but it's not like it mattered, the way special ED works here is that you're only able to receive the lowest grade of education, they don't have any books for anything else, and even the books for this, which is a simple form of education, were old and had scribbles all over them, the information was often outdated (think slaves build the pyramids kind of stuff during history) you also couldn't really graduate, you'd be offered a certificate that wasn't formally recognized anywhere instead.
autism didn't affect my ability to learn, it affected my ability to be seen as a person worth investing in, it made people uncomfortable, confused or dismissive, and it taught me that nothing about who I am is okay unless it's being edited, hidden, or translated into something more acceptable.
every therapist has the same playbook, they teach you how to 'mask' they tone down everything until people stop flinching, to build a version of yourself that might be tolerated.
but it's not you, it's a costume, and when people like that version it feels worse, because you know they never actually liked you.
they liked the echo you learned how to perform.
I don't even crave deep friendships anymore, I gave up on that long ago., but I still want to be able to go through life without every interaction turning into a slow motion failure, I want to be able to say a sentence without watching someone's expression shift into discomfort.
I want to be able to exist in public without constantly wondering if I'm ruining someone's day just by opening my mouth.
and before anyone tries to say 'just be kind' or 'smile more', I already do that, I listen, I'm quiet, I ask about people, I stay shallow, safe and polite, but it's robotic, the timing's off, the tone is weird, and it doesn't land the way it should, and you can feel it when people pull away, like they're reacting to something instinctively wrong about you, something they can't name, but you can't undo either.
dating is no different, it's actually worse, because rejection there cuts deeper, I don't struggle with my looks (I've got several threads on how to manually adjust your face looks and fix your asymmetries which are common with autism if anyone's interested) I do well on apps, people ask me out, they're curious, but it never lasts, first it's warm, then it's stiff, then it's silence, not because I said anything weird, not because I acted out, just because something about me feels off in a way that's hard to name but impossible to ignore.
and what makes it worse is that I know the problem is me, but I don't know what the problem is.
so you start to resent it, the fact that your face determines whether people even give you the time of day, but your personality, your actual self, determines whether they stay, and no one stays.
because there's something about you that they don't want to be close to, and they don't know how to explain it, so they just don't, they just drift, they ghost, they vanish, you can look good and still be deeply unlovable, because being loved isn't about your face, it's about how people feel around you, and if people feel weird or wrong around you, you can't fix that by contouring your jawline.
people like to give advice, and they probably mean well, they tell you to join communities, and find 'your people' to reframe how you see yourself, to try therapy again, to 'just be patient' someone will see the real you someday' but I've tried, I've been to groups, I've been in plenty communities, I've tried translating myself into something more understandable, but it never works, not even with other autistic people, you don't just magically connect because you share a label, shared struggle doesn't always mean shared understanding.
and most of the time I don't feel misunderstood, I just feel invisible, or even worse, felt in the wrong way, like people just see something strange in me and don't want to look closer, just enough to avoid, just enough to forget.
I don't have a conclusion to this, there isn't one, I'm not looking for advice, I don't think there's a fix, just a slow adjustment to the idea that some of us won't be known in the way we want to, we won't be liked in a way we hope to, and all we can do is survive that fact.
from the start I was weird and it was obvious (more like obnoxious)
my parents had to put my cradle outside, even in winter, because I wouldn't stop crying inside, I still can't regulate my temperature well and always overheat, I still feel out of place in my own skin and every movement makes me anxious, it makes my skin crawl.
school was fine at first, I talked too much about my interests but people didn't mind, I could learn fine as long as it was engaging, as long as I was interested, there were no major problems.
until the diagnosis hit (and the fire nation attacked)
that changed everything, they shoved me into special ED, they said it was supposed to help, but it was just a warehouse for kids they didn't know what to do with, and what that does to a person can't be undone.
imagine being a kid with no behavioral issues, who just talked too much and didn't get social cues, now you're locked in a room with other kids who scream, fight, throw chairs and get in your face, there was no support, no calm, and you absolutely couldn't learn, it was just chaos and trauma, special education isn't a nice place where people with conditions are helped, it's largely just a dumping ground, mostly for kids who don't have any diagnosis at all but just have shitty parents, as you can imagine they're usually violent, autism wasn't even very common at my school, it was mostly kids with ADHD that didn't take their meds if they had anything at all.
they handed me books meant for elementary school kids when I was in highschool and told me that's all they had, they weren't even pretending anymore, I wasn't supposed to go anywhere after that, but it's not like it mattered, the way special ED works here is that you're only able to receive the lowest grade of education, they don't have any books for anything else, and even the books for this, which is a simple form of education, were old and had scribbles all over them, the information was often outdated (think slaves build the pyramids kind of stuff during history) you also couldn't really graduate, you'd be offered a certificate that wasn't formally recognized anywhere instead.
autism didn't affect my ability to learn, it affected my ability to be seen as a person worth investing in, it made people uncomfortable, confused or dismissive, and it taught me that nothing about who I am is okay unless it's being edited, hidden, or translated into something more acceptable.
every therapist has the same playbook, they teach you how to 'mask' they tone down everything until people stop flinching, to build a version of yourself that might be tolerated.
but it's not you, it's a costume, and when people like that version it feels worse, because you know they never actually liked you.
they liked the echo you learned how to perform.
I don't even crave deep friendships anymore, I gave up on that long ago., but I still want to be able to go through life without every interaction turning into a slow motion failure, I want to be able to say a sentence without watching someone's expression shift into discomfort.
I want to be able to exist in public without constantly wondering if I'm ruining someone's day just by opening my mouth.
and before anyone tries to say 'just be kind' or 'smile more', I already do that, I listen, I'm quiet, I ask about people, I stay shallow, safe and polite, but it's robotic, the timing's off, the tone is weird, and it doesn't land the way it should, and you can feel it when people pull away, like they're reacting to something instinctively wrong about you, something they can't name, but you can't undo either.
dating is no different, it's actually worse, because rejection there cuts deeper, I don't struggle with my looks (I've got several threads on how to manually adjust your face looks and fix your asymmetries which are common with autism if anyone's interested) I do well on apps, people ask me out, they're curious, but it never lasts, first it's warm, then it's stiff, then it's silence, not because I said anything weird, not because I acted out, just because something about me feels off in a way that's hard to name but impossible to ignore.
and what makes it worse is that I know the problem is me, but I don't know what the problem is.
so you start to resent it, the fact that your face determines whether people even give you the time of day, but your personality, your actual self, determines whether they stay, and no one stays.
because there's something about you that they don't want to be close to, and they don't know how to explain it, so they just don't, they just drift, they ghost, they vanish, you can look good and still be deeply unlovable, because being loved isn't about your face, it's about how people feel around you, and if people feel weird or wrong around you, you can't fix that by contouring your jawline.
people like to give advice, and they probably mean well, they tell you to join communities, and find 'your people' to reframe how you see yourself, to try therapy again, to 'just be patient' someone will see the real you someday' but I've tried, I've been to groups, I've been in plenty communities, I've tried translating myself into something more understandable, but it never works, not even with other autistic people, you don't just magically connect because you share a label, shared struggle doesn't always mean shared understanding.
and most of the time I don't feel misunderstood, I just feel invisible, or even worse, felt in the wrong way, like people just see something strange in me and don't want to look closer, just enough to avoid, just enough to forget.
I don't have a conclusion to this, there isn't one, I'm not looking for advice, I don't think there's a fix, just a slow adjustment to the idea that some of us won't be known in the way we want to, we won't be liked in a way we hope to, and all we can do is survive that fact.
