iblamemyself!
Warrior of Christ
- Joined
- Dec 5, 2024
- Posts
- 1,003
- Reputation
- 1,346
i fucking hate myself. i hate how bp rewired my brain and now it sits in the back of every mirror like a judge. every day i get a little more attractive and every day i think worse of myself. it’s sick. it’s like progress that tastes like ash
i look at my face and i don’t see a person. i see stats. i see angles. i see a scoreboard i’ll never stop checking. i see a thousand comments i never asked for living rent free in my head
even if this is water. ik. even if thousands here say they hate bp too. ik. even if i get roasted for posting this. idc. bp did something to me i can’t undo. it took the joy out of getting better and replaced it with panic that it’s never enough
i go outside and clock myself by reflex. jaw. skin. hair. posture. i try to relax and the checklist starts sprinting. i try to sleep and i’m replaying every glance like game tape. i try to eat and i’m calculating whether this bite moves me up or down a tier
it’s poison with a motivational mask. you drink it to fix yourself and then it convinces you you’re broken forever. it hands you a map and then moves the finish line every time you get close
and yeah i’m improving. i can see it. other people can see it. but bp trained me to treat any win like a fluke and any flaw like a death sentence. the better i get the sharper the microscope gets. the more love i get the less i believe it’s real
i hate that i know all the right tweaks yet none of them touch the noise. i hate that i can’t celebrate without hearing a chorus telling me why it doesn’t count. i hate that i learned the language of looks so well i forgot how to speak human
say it’s coping. say it’s cringe. say i’m weak. i’m just telling the truth. bp carved something out of me and left the echo. and i don’t know how to be anything but the echo anymore. Even admins will hate this posts bc of how water and npc it is
i look at my face and i don’t see a person. i see stats. i see angles. i see a scoreboard i’ll never stop checking. i see a thousand comments i never asked for living rent free in my head
even if this is water. ik. even if thousands here say they hate bp too. ik. even if i get roasted for posting this. idc. bp did something to me i can’t undo. it took the joy out of getting better and replaced it with panic that it’s never enough
i go outside and clock myself by reflex. jaw. skin. hair. posture. i try to relax and the checklist starts sprinting. i try to sleep and i’m replaying every glance like game tape. i try to eat and i’m calculating whether this bite moves me up or down a tier
it’s poison with a motivational mask. you drink it to fix yourself and then it convinces you you’re broken forever. it hands you a map and then moves the finish line every time you get close
and yeah i’m improving. i can see it. other people can see it. but bp trained me to treat any win like a fluke and any flaw like a death sentence. the better i get the sharper the microscope gets. the more love i get the less i believe it’s real
i hate that i know all the right tweaks yet none of them touch the noise. i hate that i can’t celebrate without hearing a chorus telling me why it doesn’t count. i hate that i learned the language of looks so well i forgot how to speak human
say it’s coping. say it’s cringe. say i’m weak. i’m just telling the truth. bp carved something out of me and left the echo. and i don’t know how to be anything but the echo anymore. Even admins will hate this posts bc of how water and npc it is
