Vermilioncore
the things I’m scared to see
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2019
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A few days ago, I was at a work event at a hotel with a group of co-workers. We were there overnight, but everyone has their own rooms. One of the co-workers was a man who is almost 20 years older than me, but admittedly someone I found attractive. But, since we're both married, I knew I had to put any thoughts about him out of my mind.
Then alcohol got involved. According to other people in our group, I only had 3 or 4 drinks that night, but oddly I blacked out (never happened with that little before). Apparently I was flirty, but left the bar at the hotel to go back to my room. He followed me back. Next thing I know, we're waking up next to each other.
Now that I'm back home, I'm so consumed with guilt and shame that I haven't really eaten, and I've been physically sick to my stomach. I'm wildly in love with my husband, who is the sweetest man I've ever met. When I got home, he told new how much he missed me and how much he was looking forward to spending time with me over the weekend, which just amplified the guilt. I feel broken, I feel guilty, I feel dirty, I feel violated, and I feel sick. Part of me wants to tell him, the other part of me doesn't and just wants to hope this is a bad dream. For now, my change in personality was just played off as being sick from food from the trip, but Idk how long I can hold onto that.
If I do tell him, how? Especially with so few details? I want so badly to tell him what happened, but I have no idea where to start. Every little act of sweetness now is just another knife in my heart. I want so badly not to hurt him, but we have no secrets so this is a big thing to harbor.
Then alcohol got involved. According to other people in our group, I only had 3 or 4 drinks that night, but oddly I blacked out (never happened with that little before). Apparently I was flirty, but left the bar at the hotel to go back to my room. He followed me back. Next thing I know, we're waking up next to each other.
Now that I'm back home, I'm so consumed with guilt and shame that I haven't really eaten, and I've been physically sick to my stomach. I'm wildly in love with my husband, who is the sweetest man I've ever met. When I got home, he told new how much he missed me and how much he was looking forward to spending time with me over the weekend, which just amplified the guilt. I feel broken, I feel guilty, I feel dirty, I feel violated, and I feel sick. Part of me wants to tell him, the other part of me doesn't and just wants to hope this is a bad dream. For now, my change in personality was just played off as being sick from food from the trip, but Idk how long I can hold onto that.
If I do tell him, how? Especially with so few details? I want so badly to tell him what happened, but I have no idea where to start. Every little act of sweetness now is just another knife in my heart. I want so badly not to hurt him, but we have no secrets so this is a big thing to harbor.
