D
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This is probably going to be my last post on this website. Please don't read it if you are going through depression.
When you are depressed you don't see the point of living, there is no hope for anything. You can't eat sleep, behave, think properly: you are trapped.
You end-up self sabotaging yourself because you don't see the point of doing basic activities since you don't get out of the house. This is even worse when you are told you have potential, you excelled in school without trying but you still don't feel good, and now, you see yourself become more retarded, self-depreciating and worthless. There is no hope for the hole when you have experienced trauma, gaslighting by parents, and you can't find romantic interest. You can't form any form of meaningfull relationship, you don't really feel anything but sadness and sorrow. You develop OCD, because growing up you had good health but develop bad habits that permanently damaged your health and looks. Your dopamine receptors are fried, but what's the point of fixing them? It's all about hormones, enzymes in the brrain and health (mental and physical). Loneliness haunts you, you see others having fun around you in college, but you can't have it, because you were abused by your environment. This is the story of my life. I was good-looking as a child, full of life, reinforcement everywhere.
But you develop an addiction, you don't have discipline because you have a weak father/ overreactive mother that abused you and yelled. My parents never got along with each other, and traumatic events happened several times. Not big ones, but big enough to impact you growing up. I ended-up picking up bad habits and isolated myself many years, and what is a better unnatural way of doing it apart from using the Internet. You start with pc games, and play more and more. I really didn't have a social life besides school, I just played competitive tennis, but still, you feel detached from others because you environment did not allow you to develop a normal brain. Since I was smart I've always been blackpilled, I had a good face, but I was short and inherited the late bloomer genes from my dad. I was teased for my small size, bullied almost. But I was weak, and couldn't cope so I ended up self-isolating myself even more, staying inside.
But I still had talent for every single thing I did. Despite not practising a lot I was good in school and at sports in general, and since it all worked well I didn't bother trying to improve, because I was fine with it. Then I entered high-school, and everything becomes much worse. I was 5' entering high shcool, and looked 10. And let me tell you it was horrible, because high-school normally is the best time of people's life. You are carefree, and the experiences begin: high school first love, making lifelong memories with friends, etc...
I was able to make friends, but nobody took a small jester like myself seriously. As a natural coping mechanism I began isolating myself even more, stopped doing as much sports. My vision and undereyes deteriorated because I spend my time coping on mobile/ computer games.
Then the Covid 19 crisis begins. People hated it but 2020 was probably the best time of my life. I played Fortnite/ Valorant with my friends (I mean they kinda were like me except less mental and body failos) I also began bodyweight workouts on the side and felt in shape, good. During summer I received IOI's, but only because they saw my eyes with a mask on. Yeah you guessed it: bad undereyes due to bad habits/ genetics and worsened by environment, big nose in relaton to my face, etc... I wanted to improve them but when you have an addiction... oh well, I was just weak minded. Still, second lockdown in 2021. and there you first discover the blackpill, and everything goes downhill. My depression starts (or maybe was it there all along) and the rabbit hole begins. I take one year off because of depression, during this year instead of looksmaxxing I literally just rot and LDAR 24/7.
You are prescribed SSRI's , and other shit but these don't really work. What really works is receiving validation and developping normally. But you can't. 1 year later you kinda come back to life and do 2 years of intense studies, no break, just right after 1 year of depression. I was still blackpilled so I was aware of how underdevelopped I was/ subhuman compared to others. You try your best to cope, you make a small social circle, good times tbh. But after during and even after these 2 years people still didn't really take me seriously, because they thought I was fine mentally, just a bit dumb because you get bad grades. This never really happened to me before, but after high school you need to work regardless of you intelligence level. You get even lower self esteem, because you were used to get good grades without trying, but your fried dopamine and serotonin receptors from unnatural lifetyle, coupled with low discipline, prevents you from doing work done.
You are stressed 24/7, and you all know how bad it is for you. You develop shit skin, you have acne scars, big undereye dark circles, nasolabial folds. You are just a shell from what you used to be, and since you are blackpilled it's extremely brutal seing yourself descend, because you see how people treat you worse now, Fast forward now, same shit happened. I'm pretty sure I have developped austism, C-ptsd, and have severe depression .
I can't work, sleep, I have my parents pressure me in becoming an engineer because "muh moneymaxxing muh carreer". The thing is I don't really want this for myself, and my parents don't understand my pain. I suffer everyday being kkhv (well I had a girlfriend for 1 month or so in preschool and secondary school because this is when I peaked) and I can't cope with the fact that I didn't live and lost so much time.
My dad was pretty much the same as me physically, both late bloomers , 5'8 although I have way better frame (I had an even later puberty because of the unnatural environment and hormones I was exposed to), but he still married his high school love way above his looks because back then social media didin't exist, and people had less expectations/ standards.
Now it's pretty much over. These lasts few weeks I discovered how much I fucked myself, and how much shit parenting ruined me. I now have ahhedonia, low libido, I can't sleep/restless , and I' m stressed all the time because I can't move on. I wan't to fix everything, but at the same time I can't do it because I feel so low in energy because of insomnia. My hair thinned out, I look dead inside (I am dead inside). People treat me like shit, and I can't cope. Yesterday I went to a party to try and socialize, but people kinda sense something is wrong, because I no longer act normally and I don't feel 0 emotion, except hopelessness.
I can't stand it anymore. I kinda go on on this path. I need a break from all of this. This shallow society, people, reject me. I can't, I'm tormented, if I were to fix everything I would need to quit this engeneer path and become a farmer, spend time in the sun, natural lifestyle, but my OCD always tell me to optimize everything: hormones, thyroid, everything,... But does it matter at the end? When you have to much negative experiences you can never go back to feeling good again .
Muh antidepressants. They all have insane side effects and cuck you. It doesn't matter, it's to late now, I can't sleep and I don't even care anymore about diet anymore. It literaly doesn't matter. It's all about metabolic rate and being in good physical health. I don't have the same I had before. I can't focus anymore, I can't study, I have poor memory, extreme brainfog,.... My looks are getting worse by the day... Even if I improved everything I still won't be taken seriously because of my small size, bones, big occiput.... (well you know all the bad failos I have it now). I see it with my dad, successfull doctor but still isn't respected outside of his field of work because of his appearance. But he is bluepilled, doesn't see the links ( he also is kinda weird and seems non NT, but he compensates by wageslaving every day), I mean don't you fucking see how your spouse treats you like shit all the time? It's brutal, I can't cope and never will.
Determinism is everything. I was meant to be like this. My mother gave birth to me at almsot 40 aswell, and with a fucking C-section lol. I was given birth unnaturally lol. Well it's over. I asked for help from my parents, I just talked to my dad to get bloodwork done for every vitamin, testosterone, estrogen, prolactin,... everything you can think off. But he doesn't want to. I want to pass a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea but he doesn't want to. I want to buy a new pillow to have good neck posture while sleeping , and new matress, SOMETHING,... but they won't help me. My parents killed me, remember this. I'm tired of life, what's the point?
You need to looksmax during your youth, you need to find love and meaningfull relationships when you are young. Then marry your wife in college. Then worry about anti-aging or whatever. But I already look aged, shit collagen, wrinkles around my eyes, eyebags, weak eye muscles, poor health indicators,...
Oh well... at least if I believed in god, but how can he exist if people are meant to suffer like this. I'm not even the worst case either. Yesterday I saw someone with a leg missing, and I felt really bad for him, if there is a god, he is so cruel... Religion has always been a cope for me, people just want to believe there is someone watching over them when they run out of copes. I can't cope anymore, it's too much. I'm on 10 mg seresta RN, fucking shit benzo that doesn't do anything for my sleep. I want to quit cold turkey, probably not a good idea but I they don't do anything.
When you are depressed you don't see the point of living, there is no hope for anything. You can't eat sleep, behave, think properly: you are trapped.
You end-up self sabotaging yourself because you don't see the point of doing basic activities since you don't get out of the house. This is even worse when you are told you have potential, you excelled in school without trying but you still don't feel good, and now, you see yourself become more retarded, self-depreciating and worthless. There is no hope for the hole when you have experienced trauma, gaslighting by parents, and you can't find romantic interest. You can't form any form of meaningfull relationship, you don't really feel anything but sadness and sorrow. You develop OCD, because growing up you had good health but develop bad habits that permanently damaged your health and looks. Your dopamine receptors are fried, but what's the point of fixing them? It's all about hormones, enzymes in the brrain and health (mental and physical). Loneliness haunts you, you see others having fun around you in college, but you can't have it, because you were abused by your environment. This is the story of my life. I was good-looking as a child, full of life, reinforcement everywhere.
But you develop an addiction, you don't have discipline because you have a weak father/ overreactive mother that abused you and yelled. My parents never got along with each other, and traumatic events happened several times. Not big ones, but big enough to impact you growing up. I ended-up picking up bad habits and isolated myself many years, and what is a better unnatural way of doing it apart from using the Internet. You start with pc games, and play more and more. I really didn't have a social life besides school, I just played competitive tennis, but still, you feel detached from others because you environment did not allow you to develop a normal brain. Since I was smart I've always been blackpilled, I had a good face, but I was short and inherited the late bloomer genes from my dad. I was teased for my small size, bullied almost. But I was weak, and couldn't cope so I ended up self-isolating myself even more, staying inside.
But I still had talent for every single thing I did. Despite not practising a lot I was good in school and at sports in general, and since it all worked well I didn't bother trying to improve, because I was fine with it. Then I entered high-school, and everything becomes much worse. I was 5' entering high shcool, and looked 10. And let me tell you it was horrible, because high-school normally is the best time of people's life. You are carefree, and the experiences begin: high school first love, making lifelong memories with friends, etc...
I was able to make friends, but nobody took a small jester like myself seriously. As a natural coping mechanism I began isolating myself even more, stopped doing as much sports. My vision and undereyes deteriorated because I spend my time coping on mobile/ computer games.
Then the Covid 19 crisis begins. People hated it but 2020 was probably the best time of my life. I played Fortnite/ Valorant with my friends (I mean they kinda were like me except less mental and body failos) I also began bodyweight workouts on the side and felt in shape, good. During summer I received IOI's, but only because they saw my eyes with a mask on. Yeah you guessed it: bad undereyes due to bad habits/ genetics and worsened by environment, big nose in relaton to my face, etc... I wanted to improve them but when you have an addiction... oh well, I was just weak minded. Still, second lockdown in 2021. and there you first discover the blackpill, and everything goes downhill. My depression starts (or maybe was it there all along) and the rabbit hole begins. I take one year off because of depression, during this year instead of looksmaxxing I literally just rot and LDAR 24/7.
You are prescribed SSRI's , and other shit but these don't really work. What really works is receiving validation and developping normally. But you can't. 1 year later you kinda come back to life and do 2 years of intense studies, no break, just right after 1 year of depression. I was still blackpilled so I was aware of how underdevelopped I was/ subhuman compared to others. You try your best to cope, you make a small social circle, good times tbh. But after during and even after these 2 years people still didn't really take me seriously, because they thought I was fine mentally, just a bit dumb because you get bad grades. This never really happened to me before, but after high school you need to work regardless of you intelligence level. You get even lower self esteem, because you were used to get good grades without trying, but your fried dopamine and serotonin receptors from unnatural lifetyle, coupled with low discipline, prevents you from doing work done.
You are stressed 24/7, and you all know how bad it is for you. You develop shit skin, you have acne scars, big undereye dark circles, nasolabial folds. You are just a shell from what you used to be, and since you are blackpilled it's extremely brutal seing yourself descend, because you see how people treat you worse now, Fast forward now, same shit happened. I'm pretty sure I have developped austism, C-ptsd, and have severe depression .
I can't work, sleep, I have my parents pressure me in becoming an engineer because "muh moneymaxxing muh carreer". The thing is I don't really want this for myself, and my parents don't understand my pain. I suffer everyday being kkhv (well I had a girlfriend for 1 month or so in preschool and secondary school because this is when I peaked) and I can't cope with the fact that I didn't live and lost so much time.
My dad was pretty much the same as me physically, both late bloomers , 5'8 although I have way better frame (I had an even later puberty because of the unnatural environment and hormones I was exposed to), but he still married his high school love way above his looks because back then social media didin't exist, and people had less expectations/ standards.
Now it's pretty much over. These lasts few weeks I discovered how much I fucked myself, and how much shit parenting ruined me. I now have ahhedonia, low libido, I can't sleep/restless , and I' m stressed all the time because I can't move on. I wan't to fix everything, but at the same time I can't do it because I feel so low in energy because of insomnia. My hair thinned out, I look dead inside (I am dead inside). People treat me like shit, and I can't cope. Yesterday I went to a party to try and socialize, but people kinda sense something is wrong, because I no longer act normally and I don't feel 0 emotion, except hopelessness.
I can't stand it anymore. I kinda go on on this path. I need a break from all of this. This shallow society, people, reject me. I can't, I'm tormented, if I were to fix everything I would need to quit this engeneer path and become a farmer, spend time in the sun, natural lifestyle, but my OCD always tell me to optimize everything: hormones, thyroid, everything,... But does it matter at the end? When you have to much negative experiences you can never go back to feeling good again .
Muh antidepressants. They all have insane side effects and cuck you. It doesn't matter, it's to late now, I can't sleep and I don't even care anymore about diet anymore. It literaly doesn't matter. It's all about metabolic rate and being in good physical health. I don't have the same I had before. I can't focus anymore, I can't study, I have poor memory, extreme brainfog,.... My looks are getting worse by the day... Even if I improved everything I still won't be taken seriously because of my small size, bones, big occiput.... (well you know all the bad failos I have it now). I see it with my dad, successfull doctor but still isn't respected outside of his field of work because of his appearance. But he is bluepilled, doesn't see the links ( he also is kinda weird and seems non NT, but he compensates by wageslaving every day), I mean don't you fucking see how your spouse treats you like shit all the time? It's brutal, I can't cope and never will.
Determinism is everything. I was meant to be like this. My mother gave birth to me at almsot 40 aswell, and with a fucking C-section lol. I was given birth unnaturally lol. Well it's over. I asked for help from my parents, I just talked to my dad to get bloodwork done for every vitamin, testosterone, estrogen, prolactin,... everything you can think off. But he doesn't want to. I want to pass a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea but he doesn't want to. I want to buy a new pillow to have good neck posture while sleeping , and new matress, SOMETHING,... but they won't help me. My parents killed me, remember this. I'm tired of life, what's the point?
You need to looksmax during your youth, you need to find love and meaningfull relationships when you are young. Then marry your wife in college. Then worry about anti-aging or whatever. But I already look aged, shit collagen, wrinkles around my eyes, eyebags, weak eye muscles, poor health indicators,...
Oh well... at least if I believed in god, but how can he exist if people are meant to suffer like this. I'm not even the worst case either. Yesterday I saw someone with a leg missing, and I felt really bad for him, if there is a god, he is so cruel... Religion has always been a cope for me, people just want to believe there is someone watching over them when they run out of copes. I can't cope anymore, it's too much. I'm on 10 mg seresta RN, fucking shit benzo that doesn't do anything for my sleep. I want to quit cold turkey, probably not a good idea but I they don't do anything.
TLDR: My parents killed me, the internet killed me, and this website sealed the deal. Sorry for the formatting and my overal lack of writing skills, I feel and probably am low IQ RN because of everything I endure. Mental health is everything, your upgringing matters, and for every youngcel watiching this, don't ruin your life, flee from the Internet, enjoy life, do the basic looksmaxxing stuff and go out with your friends, socialise, GTFO of your home if you endure psychologically because of your parents. Forget this shithole.https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-KzbMkxZ3o0?feature=share
