ElySioNs
Mercenary
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- Feb 7, 2021
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This weekend I met my wife’s new boyfriend. I have a lot of feelings about it, and although my wife listened to me, she literally said “I don’t know how to respond to your concerns” and that ended the conversation.
To set the stage: This was not our first time meeting the other’s partners. I have met a (now) ex-boyfriend of hers and she met my current girlfriend. In both of those cases, we went out to lunch in public and had a friendly “getting to know you” conversation, did a second activity and then parted ways. There was no touching between anyone during the initial meetings, it was just a friendly hinge chat to introduce metas.
This weekend, my wife had invited her boyfriend over for breakfast and didn’t prep for it at all. She was in bed minutes before he arrived and sent me to the store to buy everything we needed. I said we should go out at that point, but she said she wanted to cook. When I got home, he was already in my house with my wife in the master bathroom while she was getting ready. This made me tense because we had never had other people in our bedroom before, and my wife had previously marked it as her hard boundary.
I was nervous about meeting this guy because we had a 3-way phone call a month ago, and I wasn’t digging his personality. Now I was on edge because of the groceries, because she wasn’t ready, and because he was “in my space.”
The guy comes out of my bedroom and he’s wearing a full suit and tie while I’m in T-shirt and jeans. I perceive this as an odd choice and a power imbalance. My wife later told me he always wears suits, but that literally is not true because after breakfast he changed clothes to go on a date with her and ended up in a t-shirt and jeans.
We sit down at the table and my wife starts cooking. Already this is uncomfy to me because the “hinge” is missing from our conversation. Previously we sat down at a table together, but my wife was effectively uninvolved in me meeting him for the first time, just occasionally chiming in while cooking. And we didn’t really vibe. We’d ask each other a question or two and then it would peter out until a new topic came up.
When the conversation died down, the boyfriend just spews sexual comments. Saying that he wants to bend her over the kitchen table right now, that she should stop cooking and suck our dicks, asking if we want to jump into a threesome right now. etc.
When we previously spoke on the phone this is part of what made me uncomfy because the conversation was going well until he hyperfixated on sex and any other conversation broke down. I had previously conveyed this to my wife after the call, but I am ashamed to say I didn’t stand up for myself. I have difficulties saying what I want to in the moment. I was also trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and I didn’t want to be too aggressive when meeting him the first time.
My wife sits down with plates of food and the guy asks if he can sit next to her. We have a square table with a chair on each side. He picked up his chair and sat on the same side of the table as her. Which was super weird to me and made me uncomfortable. My wife later insisted he always does this. My beef is that it felt like he didn’t view this as an opportunity to meet me, he viewed it as a date with my wife and also I was there.
After the plates were put away I went to the bathroom and came back to them making out in the kitchen. This was my first time visually seeing my wife with another person and I was fine with it. But then, as I started doing the dishes, he pushed her down on the couch and fully got on top of her making out and groping her. My wife said no and pushed him off, so he went to the bathroom.
At this point, I talked to my wife and said that her boyfriend was making me extremely uncomfortable in my own home and that I wanted him to tone it down. He walked up behind me, having gone in the hall but not actually gone to the bathroom, and said, “don’t mind me, I’m not eavesdropping.”
I asked my wife to meet me in private to express my frustration. She said that this is just how he is. I said we didn’t talk about boundaries for this meeting, that I assumed it would be like the other two meetings we’ve had (second paragraph), and that many of the things he’s done had crossed lines for me and made me feel uncomfortable in my house.
She says to give her a minute and she'll take care of it. I return to the kitchen and he’s changing clothes. He brought all his clean laundry in a suitcase and was cycling through outfits, asking my wife what she thought of each. I later told my wife that was extremely weird to me, especially since she went out there with the intent to tell him to tone it down. She said the alternative was that she and he go into the bathroom while he changes.
Fast forward, they leave to go on their date. I stay busy the rest of the day and can’t get a hold of my wife from noon to midnight. I go to bed, having asked her to check in 3 times. Called her, and no response. At 4 am she woke me up to ask if he could spend the night because they had been out until 3:30 am and it was an hour drive back to his house. I said no because we had planned a full day just us for the next day. My wife went out to talk to him, then came back and said he was too tired to drive and asked me to reconsider. I’m barely awake, so I begrudgingly say fine. My wife promises not to stay out so late again and we go to bed. Boyfriend sleeps in the guest room.
My wife and I had planned to go to breakfast but had to put a pause on that because the boyfriend hadn’t woken up by 10am. I say we can get drive thru breakfast and my wife sends me out alone because she doesn’t want him to wake up in the house by himself. She tells me he’ll be gone by the time I get back. At 10:45 I get home and he's still there. My wife comes down and makes him coffee because we didn’t get him anything… because he was supposed to be gone already. I told my wife point blank I wanted him to leave because this was our day together and we had already had to change plans because of him. She said that would be rude and that we still had the whole rest of the day just us. He ended up staying until noon. He didn’t say a word to me as he sat at the table drinking coffee and then fist-bumped me goodbye.
When he finally left, my wife asked how I thought it went. I expressed everything I described here. Told her his personality made me uncomfortable, he ignored me, made me feel like a guest in my house, I didn’t appreciate him spending the night, etc etc etc.My wife said, “Thank you for being honest. I don’t know how to respond to your concerns. It’s important to me that you like him. I need to think about this.” And shut the conversation down for now so we could focus on our planned day.
I don’t know how to handle all this. I do not like this man.
*all the comments say this guy seems like bad news and his wife is being extremely disrespectful by sitting by and watching it all happen*
Second post, posted June 20th, 2023; Everyone Met My Wife's Boyfriend and Fears for Her Safety
Update: A lot has happened since my last post. Using the advice I got from r/polyamory, I set a clear boundary with my wife that I did not want to interact with her boyfriend again and that he was not welcome in the house while I was there. I expressly stated how uncomfortable he made me with specific examples, I used a lot of the advice folks gave here and I came to an understanding. True to form, I have not seen boyfriend since then.
Then things got worse. I was out of town for the weekend and my wife had boyfriend over for two whole days. In that time, he met our two housemates and made them both extremely uncomfortable. He met my girlfriend’s parents and made them extremely uncomfortable. And he and my wife had loud sex in the guest room at 2am and kept our roommate awake when she had work the next day. The roommate interrupted them because it was keeping her awake and this was AFTER they had set a house rule that they would not do this because it already happened once before.
On Sunday morning, while I was away, I woke up to angry text messages from both our roommates describing what they called “serial killer behavior.” Both said they were furious and extremely uncomfortable. Interesting to me is they both described the same “pretend to go the bathroom to cover eavesdropping in the hallway” thing I described in the previous post. This made me upset as I obviously want my housemates to feel safe.
On my way home on Sunday, my mother-in-law called to say she had father’s day brunch with my wife and her new boyfriend and he made the whole extended family extremely uncomfortable, such that they don’t want to interact with him again. This was extremely irritating because my wife did not tell me that she intended to introduce the boyfriend to her family at all – which is also my family because of marriage/estrangement to my bio-family.
At this point, I say enough is enough. I had been texting my housemates and called a house meeting as soon as I got home. My roommate who was kept awake started by saying “I hate this man. I never want to see him again. I am politely asking that you do not let him back in the house at all.” Then my next roommate said something very similar, as did I.
My wife asked if we all feel this way. I said “Everyone you have introduced him to feels this way. Everyone.” Realizing how badly the weekend had gone for everyone else and that brunch hadn’t gone as well as she thought, my wife was taken aback. As many people here on reddit said, both of my roommates said the boyfriend terrifies them, that he acts like a serial killer, and that they are concerned for her safety. My wife said “Yeah. That’s what I like about him.”
We went around stating what he had done to make us uncomfortable and my wife started to shut down. She didn’t try to defend him. She didn’t say anything. She stopped responding until finally one of our roommates asked if she had anything to say. She said she wished we had told her this sooner because she had just said “I love you” to him earlier that day – which was news to me. She asked why nobody had told her sooner and the answer was that he was attached to her hip for two days and he looks over her shoulder to read all her phone messages.
After a lot of discussion, my wife agreed that she would not bring her boyfriend around if anyone was at the house. She said that probably means he won't come back to the house at all. She also said she wouldn’t ask anyone to leave so he could come over, and that he wasn’t invited to parties… except that she had already invited him to an upcoming party at our house next weekend and she wasn’t strong enough to uninvite him – but also that she is afraid everyone at the party will hate him and be made uncomfortable.
Moreover, she told me that she’s going to continue seeing him. While I understand this, it also made me a little sad. Two weeks ago, she had said that if I ever hated one of her partners, then she and that person could not be compatible. At this point, her best friends, her husband, and her parents were saying they never want to see this man again and that they are afraid for her safety, and she no longer seemed bothered.
I don’t know what is going to happen next. I am sincerely hoping he does not come to the party next week. And my roommates and my mother-in-law have each individually shared that they are afraid he is going to try to kill either my wife or me.
*OP has not commented or responded to any comments on either post. Second post got locked by mods with the following comment:
*OP, this is way beyond Reddit’s paygrade.Get everyone to therapy, get a lawyer and possibly a restraining order, and talk to that lawyer about the best plan about keeping everyone safe. Cancel the party, or at least leave and get the kids and/roomates and pets away for the weekend. If everything you say is true, put reddit down and start asking these friends if they have a good lawyer to recommend.
Edit: OP, you’ve gotten good advice, and we’re locking this. It’s becoming bogged down in the details, and you have bigger fish to fry.*
To set the stage: This was not our first time meeting the other’s partners. I have met a (now) ex-boyfriend of hers and she met my current girlfriend. In both of those cases, we went out to lunch in public and had a friendly “getting to know you” conversation, did a second activity and then parted ways. There was no touching between anyone during the initial meetings, it was just a friendly hinge chat to introduce metas.
This weekend, my wife had invited her boyfriend over for breakfast and didn’t prep for it at all. She was in bed minutes before he arrived and sent me to the store to buy everything we needed. I said we should go out at that point, but she said she wanted to cook. When I got home, he was already in my house with my wife in the master bathroom while she was getting ready. This made me tense because we had never had other people in our bedroom before, and my wife had previously marked it as her hard boundary.
I was nervous about meeting this guy because we had a 3-way phone call a month ago, and I wasn’t digging his personality. Now I was on edge because of the groceries, because she wasn’t ready, and because he was “in my space.”
The guy comes out of my bedroom and he’s wearing a full suit and tie while I’m in T-shirt and jeans. I perceive this as an odd choice and a power imbalance. My wife later told me he always wears suits, but that literally is not true because after breakfast he changed clothes to go on a date with her and ended up in a t-shirt and jeans.
We sit down at the table and my wife starts cooking. Already this is uncomfy to me because the “hinge” is missing from our conversation. Previously we sat down at a table together, but my wife was effectively uninvolved in me meeting him for the first time, just occasionally chiming in while cooking. And we didn’t really vibe. We’d ask each other a question or two and then it would peter out until a new topic came up.
When the conversation died down, the boyfriend just spews sexual comments. Saying that he wants to bend her over the kitchen table right now, that she should stop cooking and suck our dicks, asking if we want to jump into a threesome right now. etc.
When we previously spoke on the phone this is part of what made me uncomfy because the conversation was going well until he hyperfixated on sex and any other conversation broke down. I had previously conveyed this to my wife after the call, but I am ashamed to say I didn’t stand up for myself. I have difficulties saying what I want to in the moment. I was also trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and I didn’t want to be too aggressive when meeting him the first time.
My wife sits down with plates of food and the guy asks if he can sit next to her. We have a square table with a chair on each side. He picked up his chair and sat on the same side of the table as her. Which was super weird to me and made me uncomfortable. My wife later insisted he always does this. My beef is that it felt like he didn’t view this as an opportunity to meet me, he viewed it as a date with my wife and also I was there.
After the plates were put away I went to the bathroom and came back to them making out in the kitchen. This was my first time visually seeing my wife with another person and I was fine with it. But then, as I started doing the dishes, he pushed her down on the couch and fully got on top of her making out and groping her. My wife said no and pushed him off, so he went to the bathroom.
At this point, I talked to my wife and said that her boyfriend was making me extremely uncomfortable in my own home and that I wanted him to tone it down. He walked up behind me, having gone in the hall but not actually gone to the bathroom, and said, “don’t mind me, I’m not eavesdropping.”
I asked my wife to meet me in private to express my frustration. She said that this is just how he is. I said we didn’t talk about boundaries for this meeting, that I assumed it would be like the other two meetings we’ve had (second paragraph), and that many of the things he’s done had crossed lines for me and made me feel uncomfortable in my house.
She says to give her a minute and she'll take care of it. I return to the kitchen and he’s changing clothes. He brought all his clean laundry in a suitcase and was cycling through outfits, asking my wife what she thought of each. I later told my wife that was extremely weird to me, especially since she went out there with the intent to tell him to tone it down. She said the alternative was that she and he go into the bathroom while he changes.
Fast forward, they leave to go on their date. I stay busy the rest of the day and can’t get a hold of my wife from noon to midnight. I go to bed, having asked her to check in 3 times. Called her, and no response. At 4 am she woke me up to ask if he could spend the night because they had been out until 3:30 am and it was an hour drive back to his house. I said no because we had planned a full day just us for the next day. My wife went out to talk to him, then came back and said he was too tired to drive and asked me to reconsider. I’m barely awake, so I begrudgingly say fine. My wife promises not to stay out so late again and we go to bed. Boyfriend sleeps in the guest room.
My wife and I had planned to go to breakfast but had to put a pause on that because the boyfriend hadn’t woken up by 10am. I say we can get drive thru breakfast and my wife sends me out alone because she doesn’t want him to wake up in the house by himself. She tells me he’ll be gone by the time I get back. At 10:45 I get home and he's still there. My wife comes down and makes him coffee because we didn’t get him anything… because he was supposed to be gone already. I told my wife point blank I wanted him to leave because this was our day together and we had already had to change plans because of him. She said that would be rude and that we still had the whole rest of the day just us. He ended up staying until noon. He didn’t say a word to me as he sat at the table drinking coffee and then fist-bumped me goodbye.
When he finally left, my wife asked how I thought it went. I expressed everything I described here. Told her his personality made me uncomfortable, he ignored me, made me feel like a guest in my house, I didn’t appreciate him spending the night, etc etc etc.My wife said, “Thank you for being honest. I don’t know how to respond to your concerns. It’s important to me that you like him. I need to think about this.” And shut the conversation down for now so we could focus on our planned day.
I don’t know how to handle all this. I do not like this man.
*all the comments say this guy seems like bad news and his wife is being extremely disrespectful by sitting by and watching it all happen*
Second post, posted June 20th, 2023; Everyone Met My Wife's Boyfriend and Fears for Her Safety
Update: A lot has happened since my last post. Using the advice I got from r/polyamory, I set a clear boundary with my wife that I did not want to interact with her boyfriend again and that he was not welcome in the house while I was there. I expressly stated how uncomfortable he made me with specific examples, I used a lot of the advice folks gave here and I came to an understanding. True to form, I have not seen boyfriend since then.
Then things got worse. I was out of town for the weekend and my wife had boyfriend over for two whole days. In that time, he met our two housemates and made them both extremely uncomfortable. He met my girlfriend’s parents and made them extremely uncomfortable. And he and my wife had loud sex in the guest room at 2am and kept our roommate awake when she had work the next day. The roommate interrupted them because it was keeping her awake and this was AFTER they had set a house rule that they would not do this because it already happened once before.
On Sunday morning, while I was away, I woke up to angry text messages from both our roommates describing what they called “serial killer behavior.” Both said they were furious and extremely uncomfortable. Interesting to me is they both described the same “pretend to go the bathroom to cover eavesdropping in the hallway” thing I described in the previous post. This made me upset as I obviously want my housemates to feel safe.
On my way home on Sunday, my mother-in-law called to say she had father’s day brunch with my wife and her new boyfriend and he made the whole extended family extremely uncomfortable, such that they don’t want to interact with him again. This was extremely irritating because my wife did not tell me that she intended to introduce the boyfriend to her family at all – which is also my family because of marriage/estrangement to my bio-family.
At this point, I say enough is enough. I had been texting my housemates and called a house meeting as soon as I got home. My roommate who was kept awake started by saying “I hate this man. I never want to see him again. I am politely asking that you do not let him back in the house at all.” Then my next roommate said something very similar, as did I.
My wife asked if we all feel this way. I said “Everyone you have introduced him to feels this way. Everyone.” Realizing how badly the weekend had gone for everyone else and that brunch hadn’t gone as well as she thought, my wife was taken aback. As many people here on reddit said, both of my roommates said the boyfriend terrifies them, that he acts like a serial killer, and that they are concerned for her safety. My wife said “Yeah. That’s what I like about him.”
We went around stating what he had done to make us uncomfortable and my wife started to shut down. She didn’t try to defend him. She didn’t say anything. She stopped responding until finally one of our roommates asked if she had anything to say. She said she wished we had told her this sooner because she had just said “I love you” to him earlier that day – which was news to me. She asked why nobody had told her sooner and the answer was that he was attached to her hip for two days and he looks over her shoulder to read all her phone messages.
After a lot of discussion, my wife agreed that she would not bring her boyfriend around if anyone was at the house. She said that probably means he won't come back to the house at all. She also said she wouldn’t ask anyone to leave so he could come over, and that he wasn’t invited to parties… except that she had already invited him to an upcoming party at our house next weekend and she wasn’t strong enough to uninvite him – but also that she is afraid everyone at the party will hate him and be made uncomfortable.
Moreover, she told me that she’s going to continue seeing him. While I understand this, it also made me a little sad. Two weeks ago, she had said that if I ever hated one of her partners, then she and that person could not be compatible. At this point, her best friends, her husband, and her parents were saying they never want to see this man again and that they are afraid for her safety, and she no longer seemed bothered.
I don’t know what is going to happen next. I am sincerely hoping he does not come to the party next week. And my roommates and my mother-in-law have each individually shared that they are afraid he is going to try to kill either my wife or me.
*OP has not commented or responded to any comments on either post. Second post got locked by mods with the following comment:
*OP, this is way beyond Reddit’s paygrade.Get everyone to therapy, get a lawyer and possibly a restraining order, and talk to that lawyer about the best plan about keeping everyone safe. Cancel the party, or at least leave and get the kids and/roomates and pets away for the weekend. If everything you say is true, put reddit down and start asking these friends if they have a good lawyer to recommend.
Edit: OP, you’ve gotten good advice, and we’re locking this. It’s becoming bogged down in the details, and you have bigger fish to fry.*
