Existential dread.

[MoggerGaston]

Continuous.

I took 3 pills of MDMA at a rave last night, had a decent time but ended up severely flashbacking my parental child-abuse trauma towards the end when coming down.

I started remembering all the times where my parents brutally abused me and tormented me, the exact moments as it happened like I was there, I felt a combination of anger and hopelessness knowing that these experiences have destroyed my mind and have marked me forever and I can't do anything about that.

Only thing I have is drugs/alcohol tbh. Only way to make me feel/seem like a normal human-being for short amounts of time, not feeling the trauma of parental child abuse.

I will fight this.

 

[MoggerGaston]

I mog hard for going out solo to another city for raves alone on drugs tbh. I did it again.

I am extremely independent. I don't need anyone.

But this is also my downfall. I've been living and doing everything on my own for years now, I honestly don't even know how to do things socially anymore with others.
Feeling incredibly lonely is a constant issue too.

 

[MoggerGaston]

I ordered a new batch of drugs worth 600 euro.
I managed to use 10grams of ketamine, 10 grams of mephedrone, 50 strong-pills of MDMA, all in 2 months time.

JFL honestly. Especially the MDMA usage is crazy. 50 strong pills in 60 days. wtf am I doing honestly.

I need to make my drug-use long-term healthy, use less and find better coping mechanisms.
Also since I started dating again, I plan on using mephedrone on dates to mog there.

I think as long as I leave drugs use ONLY to weekends, and only during dates/social-events, my usage will become more healthy long-term.

I just need to get rid of all the solo-in-my-room usage of drugs. Once that's gone (by finding better coping mechanisms), my drug-addiction is fixed.

Maybe if I can start getting fwbs who I can fuck during weekdays I wont need to use drugs to feel good.

I need sex to replace drugs.

 

[MoggerGaston]

@PsychoDsk

I did a hippie-flip yesterday. = Big dosage of truffles together with MDMA.

Idk wasn't that great, I felt like the MDMA overpowered the shrooms hard so it was basically the same as a MDMA-only trip, shrooms I hardly noticed.

I am going to order LSD and do a candy-flip (LSD+MDMA) next time.