Xangsane
Election day ruined by a spoiled patty
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2021
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BRUTAL no reply pill
I am on the verge of being diagnosed with ALS, following 6 years of all manner of health issues and slowly progressing paralysis. I am 26. I can still do most day-to-day tasks but things like sports are impossible; I have not been able to work out, control or improve my body for years. Mentally, my health is dire. I have spent pretty much every day for the past 6 years (since I first became sick) stewing in a mixture of anger, hatred (of self and others) and despair. Most of my life I did things right. I had/have (although it's probably taken a hit recently) a high IQ (120-128), was previously fairly good looking, tall, strong, sporty, confident and ambitious. I truly believed I had stardust sprinkled around my shoulders and was destined - providing I kept up my end of the bargain by working hard and aiming high - for a wonderful life. All of my peers from school and university have followed this trajectory. The highest achievers are famous creatives, Oxbridge professors, successful politicians. Some of these individuals probably were a bit smarter than me, but I had enough talent to hang with them. Heck, at school I was outperforming most of these guys.
Then, things started to go wrong. My hair fell out rapidly when I was 18. I wore the look very badly, and it greatly affected my self esteem. I sunk, then pulled myself out of a deep depression and got back on track only to be hit by a barrage of side effects from a medication I was told was benign. It destroyed the skin all over my body, leaving my skin and muscles feeling slimey and soft and everything looking bloated, saggy and prematurely aged. The effect was not so drastic that you would think I was the elephant man but enough that friends who hadn't seen me in a year or so were doing double takes and I constantly got mistaken for someone much older than what I was. Around this time I also began experiencing muscle twitching and progressive weakness and all manner of other terrifying symptoms, including copious blood in stools, severe brain fog, low/no libido, worsening depression, problems concentrating - the list really was endless. I battled through and somehow, with all manner of false starts and inefficiencies, got a degree from Oxbridge. But things have just kept on going downhill. Now I am unemployed and trapped in a spiral of despair and futility. Given what has been ruled out there is no doubt that I have ALS - I have known this for years - and am simply waiting a formal diagnosis, something that has taken an inordinately long time because of doctors dragging their heels. My experience with doctors --- that has been quite something. Every single one has been either incompetent, patronising, abusive, or a mixture of all three. Devastating too has been my treatment by various so-called friends, ex partners, many of which have been cruel to me throughout my life and yet have sailed on into incredible futures, while I get to watch mine get ripped apart piece by piece.
I don't think I've ever had a real friend (nor, these days, do I really want one). The last girl I dated - 6 years ago, when I got sick - was borderline abusive, and I suspect may well have had clinical narcissism. Last time I checked as we were leaving uni, she was an international model and actor with a professional, social and romantic life that you read about in books. I, on the other hand, was having the first of many appointments with a neurologist, learning about ALS.
I would say it's not fair. Which of course, it isn't. But 'It's not fair' is something children say when another child gets a slightly bigger slice of cake at a birthday party. 'It's not fair' is what you say when a seagull steals your lunch, or someone gets away with cheating in some minor test. This is beyond unfairness; this is... I don't even know what the word is. It reflects a complete failure of the cosmos, of society and of the individuals within that society. With proper organisation and funding, diseases like ALS could be treatable by now, if not cured. With proper safety investigations and warnings, I would not have got the side effects from the drug that destroyed my life. With individuals behaving justly and morally, terrible individuals would not be able to live lives of privilege and pleasure, while others, no worse, and often better, suffer unimaginably.
I spend more or less everyday feeling intense anger and despair. I loath myself, my situation and everyone who has played a role in facilitating it (which includes just about everyone). I wonder why I ever bothered trying, working hard, attempting (though like everyone sometimes failing) to be a good person. None of these things mean shit. Everyone says that they care about morals, there's an unspoken law in culture that if you tick these boxes, if you hold up your end of the contract, everyone else will hold up there's. But they haven't. Not only have I not been helped, but I have been derided, mocked and jeered, by everyone from family to medical professionals. I could work my arse into the ground I will still achieve nothing of note because of my health issues. Love - I can't even physically have sex - forget about that. All life's goods are gone. They have been taken from me, by a quirk of luck and societal and individual failings.
I will die soon, miserable, alone and forgotten, while those who have harmed me glide on to unfurling joy. About the only thing left to do is wait for diagnosis and vent pathetically to try and keep my emotions under control (it does - somewhat - help). After years of thinking that I mattered, that, as an individual, I had intrinsic value, I have learned that in fact I matter not at all. There was never going to be anyone to help me when I fell down. All that nonsense about the milk of human kindness, brotherhood, liberte, fraternite, egalite etc. is exactly that: nonsense. I have days when I wander out of the house and genuinely believed I didn't see a single decent person: just selfish, narcissistic animals, without a shred of moral substance. About the only thing that gives me satisfaction is imagining a second Noah's flood rising up and washing them all away.
That's an ugly thought, but it is what after years of misery and abuse I have been driven to. Please be kinder, be better - don't make more people suffer through what I am suffering through. One thing I have learned in the past few years is that while juvenile ALS is obviously not common, there are a lot of fundamentally decent individuals living miserably because of mistreatment. It is within your power to pursue things other than selfish wealth-heaping, to vote for politicians and parties which look out for those who cannot look out for themselves. It is not hard to be honest and supportive of friends and romantic partners. To not be an abusive arsehole. If you do not do these things you cannot every mention morality or justice or any of those factors in good faith. And if you do not open your door for a stranger, you cannot complain when, during your hour of need, the same door gets shut in your face.
