BigJimsWornOutTires
Kraken
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As everyone knows in this superior nation of the world, Thanksgiving represents backstabbing, opportunity, robbery, mass murder, and the rape of women and children.
The fake news that circulated in public schools for close to a dozen decades claimed the holiday originated in 1621 in Plymouth when the Blue Eyed Devils had a peace dinner with Native Americans. But as you can imagine, that was bullshit because those feasts had been held by the Spanish Rapists for 60 years prior. However, this particular grub would be the most famous.
Dozens of families gather together for the tradition of browned turkeys dripping with rich whipped cream and delicious cranberry moonshine topped with floating marshmallows. But what if I told you this day shouldn't be celebrated but remembered with guilt for the mass murder of innocent people who only wanted to live in peace, and prosperity, raise families, and dance together under the starlight while singing, "We love everyone! We are so peaceful! We only want friendship! We love our families! We love you!"
On this day, many herds of buffalo ago, Blue Eyed Devils broke bread with the Chinese Migrants they called, Indians. As many understand, thanks to the recent increase in knowledge, Christopher Columbus was a fucking retard who thought he had sailed across the world, when in fact, he'd landed in the Bahamas. The inbred pedophile wasn't good with calendars and math. But regardless, Natives would be called whatever their cult agreed upon. So Indians it was!
Nevertheless, the Chinese Migrants were too trustworthy of the Devils but wanted the wars to end. Chief Fuck Your Mother pushed for this peace treaty with diligence for diversity, equality, and inclusion. He wasn't mentioned much in history books because of his odd name that sent cringes down women's spines and furrowed brows upon men's faces while they safeguarded their moms. Well, Mother knew the Devils shouldn't be trusted and would probably murder them later, but instead, he insisted today would be of peace. "We eat," the chief announced to the men huddled around the long table. "After we eat, I fuck one of your mothers."
Did You Know? Chief Fuck Your Mother would one day become the traditional insult during intoxicated family disputes. And hence, 'Motherfucker.'
Ugh, the Devils were rather suspicious about the post-feast activity as Pilgrim Georgie debated, "We didn't bring our mothers and wives this time." He scanned the visages of his fellow Devils and assured the chief, "It's just us men here, feller."
"Then I fuck one of our mothers, you watch, yes?"
While they ate, drank, and watched the chief fuck someone's mother as her kids buried their faces in their hands, the Devils inconspicuously examined the territory for intelligence. Ah, yes, they weren't there just for shitty food, they were there to see how they could kill every last one of those motherfuckers.
General Buck noticed an odd thing about the people that day. It was a cold month, indeed. The chill sent shivers down spines and shriveled penises into mushroom caps. But watching how the Indians stayed wrapped with their thick fur, he had an idea that was so crazy... he would later infect blankets with diseases and viruses and give it to them as a "Thanks for the live sex show and half-cooked turkey." Thus, Thanksgiving.
After they killed every last one of those motherfuckers, the women, and children cried as they puked and coughed up blood from smallpox, influenza, measles, and typhus. The Devils would then rape them.
Happy Thanksgiving, America, you evil, sick, deranged sons bitches. Shame on you! Do better next time (War with Native America's Origin: China.)
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