fvolkek
Diamond
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- Feb 19, 2021
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seriously
from an aesthetic, stylistic point of view. My style. My personality
To stop self-loathing I first need to know who am I in the first place
Earlier today I was designing my mancave cause I'm probably gonna move out sometime this year
And it was super cool to plan putting stuff that showcase my personality. I wanted to have a vinyl player with vinyls of bands I like. Super basic but says a lot about me. And as redditor as it sounds, I want to collect crtierion films too. And my bookshelf, a piano, etc.
There's a Spanish philosopher called Ortega y Gasset. He talks about perspectivism. Truth is not relative, it exists, but it's just that, it exists. However, different people can see it in different ways. For example, if there's a big field, a painter will see the shapes, colors, the way the light hits the grass, they will want to paint the landscape. A businessman will see potential for development, maybe real estate or investment opportunities. A farmer will look at the same field and think about the soil quality, the irrigation or whatever.
Does that mean there are 3 different fields?
No. It's the same field. The truth - the field itself - remains unchanged. But each observer brings their own perspective, which is conditioned by their mind and their VOCATION. Vocation for Ortega is not what you love to do, but rather something you can't bring yourself to stop doing.
So why do I bring this up?
Last time I did shrooms I saw things in a different perspective. I basically saw other people's styles, personalities. I could see through them. Going back to the field analogy, I could see the world through their lenses. Imagine I'm the artist, I could see the field how the businessperson would see it. It was fascinating. I could see how people saw stuff, and thus the styles they had which in a way reflects that. I broke out off my thought pattern, I opened the doors of perception like Huxley says, and i could just get people better. I could empathize, something I struggle with.
But hear me out, I couldn't see myself, at all. No clarity in that aspect.
However, I also realized that I take many things for granted. And that many of my best qualities are those that I indeed take for granted and pretend they don't exist. Stuff that I find on my mundane life, at home, etc. I chase validation and in that pursuit I realize that some of the things I have are great too. But I need to internalize that thought, because my mechanism for and progressing through life is punishing myself and overall self-loathing. I don't know how or why I'm like that, but I need to change. I realized that I connected with the blackpill for this very same reason. The blackpill, in my mind, attempted to rationalize that self-loathing with some childish simplistic information "nigga ur ugly". But I realized upon banging girls that it cuts deeper than that. I do still see myself as ugly, but even when I actually banged hot chicks and had some women in love with me, I still had my insecurity.
Hear this though: I wear shoe lifts sometimes. And I used to think I was insecure about my height. Then I thought, "well actually, I'm insecure about my face, so I'm using height as means of compensating for my subhuman face" (ogremaxxing, etc.). But now I realized, "I'm using my LOOKS as a whole to compensate for something twisted inside of me".
But wait I'm drifting off too much. Let me focus.
So as you can see I have that self hate / self loathing problem, I don't want to get too deep into it, and if I want to actually form a stable family and life, I need to fix that. You can't build if you think you're uncapable of it. You can't see yourself as if eventually you'll be caught of something, or that you need to hide. That's pretty much how I see myself, like a freak, a monster. My spirit animal is a cockroach. One time I did LSD earlier this summer, I literally felt that I was a cockroach and imagined certain people as animals, with its equivalents. It was whimsical but depressing in the context of the acid trip. Like one skinny white blonde girl from my high school I thought she was a deer. I thought I, along with the chick who was in love with me, we were kafkaesque cockroaches.
So whatever, i need to love myself
But first I need to KNOW myself
I made a pinterest board to try to just put the good stuff that reminds of me: my car, my nationality, my culture, my love for movies, my love for music, literature, etc. just stuff that without putting much thought into it remind me of myself.
NOTE: I don't encourage psychedelics. It messes with your mind that has gazillion years of evolution for you to be a certain way. It's a double edged sword in that sense. It could work but it can also make you disabled basically, like mentally unfit.
from an aesthetic, stylistic point of view. My style. My personality
To stop self-loathing I first need to know who am I in the first place
Earlier today I was designing my mancave cause I'm probably gonna move out sometime this year
And it was super cool to plan putting stuff that showcase my personality. I wanted to have a vinyl player with vinyls of bands I like. Super basic but says a lot about me. And as redditor as it sounds, I want to collect crtierion films too. And my bookshelf, a piano, etc.
There's a Spanish philosopher called Ortega y Gasset. He talks about perspectivism. Truth is not relative, it exists, but it's just that, it exists. However, different people can see it in different ways. For example, if there's a big field, a painter will see the shapes, colors, the way the light hits the grass, they will want to paint the landscape. A businessman will see potential for development, maybe real estate or investment opportunities. A farmer will look at the same field and think about the soil quality, the irrigation or whatever.
Does that mean there are 3 different fields?
No. It's the same field. The truth - the field itself - remains unchanged. But each observer brings their own perspective, which is conditioned by their mind and their VOCATION. Vocation for Ortega is not what you love to do, but rather something you can't bring yourself to stop doing.
So why do I bring this up?
Last time I did shrooms I saw things in a different perspective. I basically saw other people's styles, personalities. I could see through them. Going back to the field analogy, I could see the world through their lenses. Imagine I'm the artist, I could see the field how the businessperson would see it. It was fascinating. I could see how people saw stuff, and thus the styles they had which in a way reflects that. I broke out off my thought pattern, I opened the doors of perception like Huxley says, and i could just get people better. I could empathize, something I struggle with.
But hear me out, I couldn't see myself, at all. No clarity in that aspect.
However, I also realized that I take many things for granted. And that many of my best qualities are those that I indeed take for granted and pretend they don't exist. Stuff that I find on my mundane life, at home, etc. I chase validation and in that pursuit I realize that some of the things I have are great too. But I need to internalize that thought, because my mechanism for and progressing through life is punishing myself and overall self-loathing. I don't know how or why I'm like that, but I need to change. I realized that I connected with the blackpill for this very same reason. The blackpill, in my mind, attempted to rationalize that self-loathing with some childish simplistic information "nigga ur ugly". But I realized upon banging girls that it cuts deeper than that. I do still see myself as ugly, but even when I actually banged hot chicks and had some women in love with me, I still had my insecurity.
Hear this though: I wear shoe lifts sometimes. And I used to think I was insecure about my height. Then I thought, "well actually, I'm insecure about my face, so I'm using height as means of compensating for my subhuman face" (ogremaxxing, etc.). But now I realized, "I'm using my LOOKS as a whole to compensate for something twisted inside of me".
But wait I'm drifting off too much. Let me focus.
So as you can see I have that self hate / self loathing problem, I don't want to get too deep into it, and if I want to actually form a stable family and life, I need to fix that. You can't build if you think you're uncapable of it. You can't see yourself as if eventually you'll be caught of something, or that you need to hide. That's pretty much how I see myself, like a freak, a monster. My spirit animal is a cockroach. One time I did LSD earlier this summer, I literally felt that I was a cockroach and imagined certain people as animals, with its equivalents. It was whimsical but depressing in the context of the acid trip. Like one skinny white blonde girl from my high school I thought she was a deer. I thought I, along with the chick who was in love with me, we were kafkaesque cockroaches.
So whatever, i need to love myself
But first I need to KNOW myself
I made a pinterest board to try to just put the good stuff that reminds of me: my car, my nationality, my culture, my love for movies, my love for music, literature, etc. just stuff that without putting much thought into it remind me of myself.
NOTE: I don't encourage psychedelics. It messes with your mind that has gazillion years of evolution for you to be a certain way. It's a double edged sword in that sense. It could work but it can also make you disabled basically, like mentally unfit.
