ElySioNs
Mercenary
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- Feb 7, 2021
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EDIT: The title is worded wrong. After reflection and reading some of the comments, I realized what happened was not rape.
Warning for unwanted sex
Also please refrain from replying that I should have known better/been more careful or responsible/tried harder or stuff like that I already know.
I was at a sleepover at my friend's house with a few other girls. I am friends with this friend’s brother. It is also important to note that this is one of my boyfriend’s best friends since elementary school. I met my boyfriend through him.
I have trouble sleeping and have a fucked up sleep schedule so I can’t sleep till really late. Since everyone else was sleeping, my friend's brother asked if I wanted to come to his room to binge watch a show and eat some leftover take out. I know it can sound weird to be hanging out with my boyfriend’s friend alone but I've known him for a long time and he was my friend before I even met my boyfriend. My boyfriend would not be mad at this, I have hung out with guys before because he trusts me when I say they’re only friends, which they are.
We were watching a sex scene (it wasn't really that explicit) but he apparently got horny. He told me he was hard and for him to say that was extremely weird to me and I know it was dumb of me to ignore that as a red flag. He then started forcing himself onto me and I did tell him to stop but he just pinned my arms down and got on top of me. To be fair I didn't really try fighting much, I knew he was stronger than me. I guess I was still confused and some part of me was trying to come up with reasonable explanations and thought maybe he was just play wrestling or something. He pulled down my pants and that’s when I started panicking. And I don't think I need to go in detail from there.
The whole thing was very odd, I thought he might have been intoxicated somehow just because of how unexpected it was (he wasn’t). He covered my mouth with his hand so I couldn't yell or anything and I didn’t even try to because I was so shocked by him doing that. He said some really gross things I'd rather not repeat that I would never think he would say in a million years. I still feel like I must have dreamed it or hallucinated it or something just because of how uncharacteristic it was of him. I can't explain how unbelievable it is of him. I've known him for years and he’s never signified of him being like this. I’ve been close with him and I really did trust him. I know the statistics say that these cases happen more often from people you already know but I never ever thought I had to worry about him doing that. It doesn't feel real that he would do something like that.
I think my memory is a little hazy of that because I couldn't remember whether or not he had a condom, and I was being more nauseous that usual, so I freaked out and bought a pregnancy test because I wanted to be cautious. Took one and it came out negative, thankfully, but I wasn't thinking and just threw it in the trash bin in relief. I know this was extremely stupid of me but I was in a daze and I couldn’t fully think properly it was like I was on autopilot. My boyfriend found it and went up to me looking like he was going to cry and started asking me if I was cheating and if I had sex with another person and like an idiot I just started crying and kept saying I was sorry and didn't mean to. And he started yelling at me and asked if I meant nothing to him and if he wasn’t enough for me and how hurt he was and I just kept saying sorry over and over again I didn't even try explaining myself. I know what happened isn't supposed to be but I still feel like it's all my fault and I let him do that to me and I can’t help myself from thinking that.
I'm sleeping over at another friend’s house with just her and I didnt tell her anything except that we got into an argument. I don't know how to go about this. Even if he thinks what happened was cheating I don't want him to think he deserved someone he cared about to hurt him like that or that he wasn't enough. I want to tell him but at the same time I'm not ready to tell anyone. There is also the issue that this person is his best friend, and is someone even I would have a hard time believing ever did that to someone. I know the right move here would be to tell him but I don't think I can bring myself to right now even if I tried.
TL;DR I unwillingly had sex with someone and my boyfriend thinks I cheated on him. How do I go about telling him I got myself in that position?
EDIT: I understand what happened was not my fault and I was not asking for it. I would never reason like this if a friend or someone I knew went through this. It’s just that no matter how much I know it is supposed to be true I still personally feel like I put myself there, even though that is not logical I know. I didn’t need to go with him alone in his room, that’s one thing. That’s the biggest red flag and I ignored it. We were also sitting on the ground but I suggested sitting on the bed and then I decided to lay down so I quite literally did put myself in that position. I made it accessible for him to do that stuff. Also, I suggested the movie, but I didn’t know it had a sex scene or it would get him to react like that. I know he wasn't supposed to do that but I still feel like my brain is trying to come up with reasons why he’s not a bad person because for all my life he was a good person to me and everyone else around me. I see him as a brother and role model and now it’s hard for me to grasp that he isn’t, or at least shouldn’t be.
I don’t have any proof, I can’t go to the police. It might be too late for a hospital check up. I cannot text my boyfriend, he blocked me. I don’t even know if he is willing to look my way in person. I think he will tell his friends I cheated on him, a lot of them who are also my friends. No, telling my parents is not an option. They’re sort of old school. I’m too scared of telling anyone, and I can’t even say out loud what happened. If I try thinking about it too much I have a panic attack.
2ND EDIT: I know many people are telling me to report, and I know it is selfish of me to not report because I can’t handle my emotions. I don’t ever ever EVER want someone else to experience what I did, it was one of the horrifying moments of my life. I don’t want him to hurt someone else because of something I failed to do. I don’t want his next attack to be my responsibility. I know if he faces no consequences then I will be at fault for not doing anything before he has the chance to. But I know he won’t, he has too much money and power to make it all go away. I will push myself as hard as I can to try reporting. Genuinely I will never forgive myself if he did the same to someone else because I gave him the opportunity to continue. Although I’ll say I have reason to believe he hasn’t done this to anyone before because of some stuff he said.
With all that being said, nothing will come from the report. It literally can just be thrown in the trash. I have had a friend who unfortunately reported her rape and nothing was done, even when she had evidence. As much as I wish to believe it, the justice system isn't always a justice system. I am not saying all, but there are so many reported rape cases that go no where all over the world, and yes the US too. I can probably bet you reports like mine with no evidence are more often to not be taken seriously than they actually are. It’s unjust but it’s the truth. Our social settings overlap a lot, I will try to keep an eye on him when I can. If I need to I know I can distract him from someone else. I really wish I could do something more. I’m so so sorry. I’ll try my best. I’m sorry again.
I’m sorry I wasn’t clear with the timeline. The incident happened 9 days ago (203 hours to be exact). I know that isn’t enough time for a pregnancy test I was just being frantic. I threw away my clothes so I never had to wear them again and I’ve taken multiple showers. I know that was my mistake. My boyfriend found out about the pregnancy test yesterday. I know I seem like I just recently experienced that but it’s still taking a long time to process somehow. It’s been eating me up and I’ve been very shifty/nervous so my boyfriend had been suspicious, that’s why he was convinced of me cheating the second he saw it. He isn’t in the wrong.
I’m sorry I’m not replying to comments or dms right now. It’s a lot to take in. I appreciate everyone for trying to help.
3RD EDIT: I want to address some common comments
I was/wasn’t raped/I cheated/My fault: I have an overwhelming amount of people telling me I am not at fault and he raped me. I also have a lot of people telling me it was my fault and I put myself in that position. I am more confused than ever. I read comments and fully believe one side, and then think I’m stupid and should have believed the other side. I know there are many assholes here, but some of the reasoning makes sense. I want to believe that I didn’t do this to myself, I never wanted to have sex and I never intended to. But at the end of the day, I did. With his best friend. I made the decision to lay in bed with another guy and then watch a sex scene with him. To some that may already be cheating. I want to be clear that if my boyfriend was not okay with that I would never ever do that, whether he knew about it or not. I would NOT lay in bed with a random guy, or even a guy friend. This person is a close friend of mine, like family to me. I would never have a second thought of laying in bed with my family. And I know these aren’t valid excuses but the ground was uncomfortable and I was getting cold. I am worried that when I decided to do all that, he might have taken it as a signal that I wanted to have sex with him. I don’t blame him, again I decided to lay in bed with him alone then did not object when he said he was aroused. I had a full minute to bolt out and leave, but I just didn’t say anything. Really it boils down to “I have no idea he wanted sex with me! But I also willingly asked to get in bed with another guy and then ignored a comment about him being aroused, and he rightfully assumed I was being suggestive then I did absolutely nothing to stop him except lay there and cry.” I wish that wasn’t the case, and maybe if I did try to push and kick he would have known I didn’t want to, but I didn’t. I wasn’t clear with what I wanted and I can’t fault someone else for interpreting it wrong.
This story seems fake/made up: That is completely fair to think. I am a random person on the internet and you have no reason to believe me, but I also have no reason to lie. I do not enjoy posting about this, it is embarrassing to say the least. I am not doing this for validation, or to garner sympathy. It’s harder for me to read the comments that say it’s not my fault than the ones that say it is. I didn’t title it “got myself” for attention, I genuinely thought I put myself in that position. If anything I feel like this attention has made it worse. The reason why my boyfriend saw the pregnancy test and immediately thought I was cheating is because we are not very sexually active, we have not had sex recently. He has asked a few times but I have declined. This has nothing to do with him, I just have a low libido. The opposition to having sex with him combined with me being shifty and nervous all week had probably contributed to his suspicions. I want to be clear HE IS NOT AT ALL IN THE WRONG. If there was anyone who was not in the wrong in this story it is him. He saw what was solid proof of cheating and reacted accordingly. He does not know the context. He is not a bad person and I do not wish to portray him as such. I wish he didn’t have to deal with my bullshit. Second, about how it’s not possible to cover my mouth and have me pinned. I didn’t want to go into details but if this clarification is necessary for the commenters disbelieving me I’ll say this. He first grabbed both my wrists and then placed it together above my head, held it with one hand, and placed his other hand over my mouth. Yes, his hand is strong enough to hold down both my wrists, he is 6’1, I am 5’3. It scares me that so many people feel like this is unbelievable when they don’t even know the guy. It is only more unbelievable if you did. I don't know what more I could say to have people believe me. And I don’t even have any evidence. I was thinking of sharing this with my boyfriend but now I don’t know. You do not at all have to believe me, but if someone else in real life comes out with an experience like this please believe them.
Not fighting/screaming: I don’t know. I put in my post that I don’t know. I know that was my mistake and if I were to go back I would have 100% done so. I know many say freezing up is an instinct but I have never done such before, even in scary situations. I didn’t want him to, but I admit I did let him. I only told him to stop when he was on top of me and moving my arms, I did not when he removed my clothes or started intercourse. I never said no. I don’t know why I didn’t do anything but I regret it with everything and I desperately wish I had.
Send him this post: There’s so many comments saying this stuff about it seeming fake, or if they were the boyfriend they would think it’s suspicious, or this seems like a cover up to cheating and that I also led him on and put myself there. I was really thinking of going to, but I don’t need him reading the comments. I know many of you are not saying these things and I thank you for being so kind to me, but I don’t want him to further doubt me. I was thinking of maybe sending him a screenshot of this, but he could always search it up and read the comments. I’m leaning more towards a letter.
Reporting him: I was not innocent. I led him on and gave him signals that any other guy would take as interest. I never intended to, but I still did. I don’t think he did it with ill intent. He went along with the hints he thought I was giving him and I didn’t do anything to stop that track. I don’t believe he is in danger to anyone else, I don’t believe he thought he was forcing me, even if it felt like it to me. Holding someone like he was can be common in sex, and in hindsight he was probably covering my mouth so I didn’t wake up the whole house. He was just going along with what he thought was interest.
Tell parents/trusted adult: Yes I live in the US and have all my life. Yes, my mom is white. She just has a very misogynistic and traditional family. I can not emphasize how much telling her or my dad would be a bad idea. I can almost assure you they will blame me and get mad, and I'll never hear the end of it. If I report, or if I am able to take any legal action, I can’t have them involved. As for my friends, the ones I spend the most time with are my boyfriend’s friends. His social circle is basically mine. I still have friends in my school separate from them, but most aren’t adults yet and can’t do much. I also pretty much live with my boyfriend, so naturally I am closer to his friends than I am to my own. However, he is closer to them than I am. I have already had some of his (my) friends unfollow/block me (on instagram, I still have their numbers). I don’t know how to feel about my friends thinking I would do something that cruel or not being able to talk to them, possibly ever again. There is a possibility of my teachers, but I don’t know how comfortable I am with that. Honestly I am fine with not telling anyone.
I’m so sorry for making this post so long and being such a mess.
Warning for unwanted sex
Also please refrain from replying that I should have known better/been more careful or responsible/tried harder or stuff like that I already know.
I was at a sleepover at my friend's house with a few other girls. I am friends with this friend’s brother. It is also important to note that this is one of my boyfriend’s best friends since elementary school. I met my boyfriend through him.
I have trouble sleeping and have a fucked up sleep schedule so I can’t sleep till really late. Since everyone else was sleeping, my friend's brother asked if I wanted to come to his room to binge watch a show and eat some leftover take out. I know it can sound weird to be hanging out with my boyfriend’s friend alone but I've known him for a long time and he was my friend before I even met my boyfriend. My boyfriend would not be mad at this, I have hung out with guys before because he trusts me when I say they’re only friends, which they are.
We were watching a sex scene (it wasn't really that explicit) but he apparently got horny. He told me he was hard and for him to say that was extremely weird to me and I know it was dumb of me to ignore that as a red flag. He then started forcing himself onto me and I did tell him to stop but he just pinned my arms down and got on top of me. To be fair I didn't really try fighting much, I knew he was stronger than me. I guess I was still confused and some part of me was trying to come up with reasonable explanations and thought maybe he was just play wrestling or something. He pulled down my pants and that’s when I started panicking. And I don't think I need to go in detail from there.
The whole thing was very odd, I thought he might have been intoxicated somehow just because of how unexpected it was (he wasn’t). He covered my mouth with his hand so I couldn't yell or anything and I didn’t even try to because I was so shocked by him doing that. He said some really gross things I'd rather not repeat that I would never think he would say in a million years. I still feel like I must have dreamed it or hallucinated it or something just because of how uncharacteristic it was of him. I can't explain how unbelievable it is of him. I've known him for years and he’s never signified of him being like this. I’ve been close with him and I really did trust him. I know the statistics say that these cases happen more often from people you already know but I never ever thought I had to worry about him doing that. It doesn't feel real that he would do something like that.
I think my memory is a little hazy of that because I couldn't remember whether or not he had a condom, and I was being more nauseous that usual, so I freaked out and bought a pregnancy test because I wanted to be cautious. Took one and it came out negative, thankfully, but I wasn't thinking and just threw it in the trash bin in relief. I know this was extremely stupid of me but I was in a daze and I couldn’t fully think properly it was like I was on autopilot. My boyfriend found it and went up to me looking like he was going to cry and started asking me if I was cheating and if I had sex with another person and like an idiot I just started crying and kept saying I was sorry and didn't mean to. And he started yelling at me and asked if I meant nothing to him and if he wasn’t enough for me and how hurt he was and I just kept saying sorry over and over again I didn't even try explaining myself. I know what happened isn't supposed to be but I still feel like it's all my fault and I let him do that to me and I can’t help myself from thinking that.
I'm sleeping over at another friend’s house with just her and I didnt tell her anything except that we got into an argument. I don't know how to go about this. Even if he thinks what happened was cheating I don't want him to think he deserved someone he cared about to hurt him like that or that he wasn't enough. I want to tell him but at the same time I'm not ready to tell anyone. There is also the issue that this person is his best friend, and is someone even I would have a hard time believing ever did that to someone. I know the right move here would be to tell him but I don't think I can bring myself to right now even if I tried.
TL;DR I unwillingly had sex with someone and my boyfriend thinks I cheated on him. How do I go about telling him I got myself in that position?
EDIT: I understand what happened was not my fault and I was not asking for it. I would never reason like this if a friend or someone I knew went through this. It’s just that no matter how much I know it is supposed to be true I still personally feel like I put myself there, even though that is not logical I know. I didn’t need to go with him alone in his room, that’s one thing. That’s the biggest red flag and I ignored it. We were also sitting on the ground but I suggested sitting on the bed and then I decided to lay down so I quite literally did put myself in that position. I made it accessible for him to do that stuff. Also, I suggested the movie, but I didn’t know it had a sex scene or it would get him to react like that. I know he wasn't supposed to do that but I still feel like my brain is trying to come up with reasons why he’s not a bad person because for all my life he was a good person to me and everyone else around me. I see him as a brother and role model and now it’s hard for me to grasp that he isn’t, or at least shouldn’t be.
I don’t have any proof, I can’t go to the police. It might be too late for a hospital check up. I cannot text my boyfriend, he blocked me. I don’t even know if he is willing to look my way in person. I think he will tell his friends I cheated on him, a lot of them who are also my friends. No, telling my parents is not an option. They’re sort of old school. I’m too scared of telling anyone, and I can’t even say out loud what happened. If I try thinking about it too much I have a panic attack.
2ND EDIT: I know many people are telling me to report, and I know it is selfish of me to not report because I can’t handle my emotions. I don’t ever ever EVER want someone else to experience what I did, it was one of the horrifying moments of my life. I don’t want him to hurt someone else because of something I failed to do. I don’t want his next attack to be my responsibility. I know if he faces no consequences then I will be at fault for not doing anything before he has the chance to. But I know he won’t, he has too much money and power to make it all go away. I will push myself as hard as I can to try reporting. Genuinely I will never forgive myself if he did the same to someone else because I gave him the opportunity to continue. Although I’ll say I have reason to believe he hasn’t done this to anyone before because of some stuff he said.
With all that being said, nothing will come from the report. It literally can just be thrown in the trash. I have had a friend who unfortunately reported her rape and nothing was done, even when she had evidence. As much as I wish to believe it, the justice system isn't always a justice system. I am not saying all, but there are so many reported rape cases that go no where all over the world, and yes the US too. I can probably bet you reports like mine with no evidence are more often to not be taken seriously than they actually are. It’s unjust but it’s the truth. Our social settings overlap a lot, I will try to keep an eye on him when I can. If I need to I know I can distract him from someone else. I really wish I could do something more. I’m so so sorry. I’ll try my best. I’m sorry again.
I’m sorry I wasn’t clear with the timeline. The incident happened 9 days ago (203 hours to be exact). I know that isn’t enough time for a pregnancy test I was just being frantic. I threw away my clothes so I never had to wear them again and I’ve taken multiple showers. I know that was my mistake. My boyfriend found out about the pregnancy test yesterday. I know I seem like I just recently experienced that but it’s still taking a long time to process somehow. It’s been eating me up and I’ve been very shifty/nervous so my boyfriend had been suspicious, that’s why he was convinced of me cheating the second he saw it. He isn’t in the wrong.
I’m sorry I’m not replying to comments or dms right now. It’s a lot to take in. I appreciate everyone for trying to help.
3RD EDIT: I want to address some common comments
I was/wasn’t raped/I cheated/My fault: I have an overwhelming amount of people telling me I am not at fault and he raped me. I also have a lot of people telling me it was my fault and I put myself in that position. I am more confused than ever. I read comments and fully believe one side, and then think I’m stupid and should have believed the other side. I know there are many assholes here, but some of the reasoning makes sense. I want to believe that I didn’t do this to myself, I never wanted to have sex and I never intended to. But at the end of the day, I did. With his best friend. I made the decision to lay in bed with another guy and then watch a sex scene with him. To some that may already be cheating. I want to be clear that if my boyfriend was not okay with that I would never ever do that, whether he knew about it or not. I would NOT lay in bed with a random guy, or even a guy friend. This person is a close friend of mine, like family to me. I would never have a second thought of laying in bed with my family. And I know these aren’t valid excuses but the ground was uncomfortable and I was getting cold. I am worried that when I decided to do all that, he might have taken it as a signal that I wanted to have sex with him. I don’t blame him, again I decided to lay in bed with him alone then did not object when he said he was aroused. I had a full minute to bolt out and leave, but I just didn’t say anything. Really it boils down to “I have no idea he wanted sex with me! But I also willingly asked to get in bed with another guy and then ignored a comment about him being aroused, and he rightfully assumed I was being suggestive then I did absolutely nothing to stop him except lay there and cry.” I wish that wasn’t the case, and maybe if I did try to push and kick he would have known I didn’t want to, but I didn’t. I wasn’t clear with what I wanted and I can’t fault someone else for interpreting it wrong.
This story seems fake/made up: That is completely fair to think. I am a random person on the internet and you have no reason to believe me, but I also have no reason to lie. I do not enjoy posting about this, it is embarrassing to say the least. I am not doing this for validation, or to garner sympathy. It’s harder for me to read the comments that say it’s not my fault than the ones that say it is. I didn’t title it “got myself” for attention, I genuinely thought I put myself in that position. If anything I feel like this attention has made it worse. The reason why my boyfriend saw the pregnancy test and immediately thought I was cheating is because we are not very sexually active, we have not had sex recently. He has asked a few times but I have declined. This has nothing to do with him, I just have a low libido. The opposition to having sex with him combined with me being shifty and nervous all week had probably contributed to his suspicions. I want to be clear HE IS NOT AT ALL IN THE WRONG. If there was anyone who was not in the wrong in this story it is him. He saw what was solid proof of cheating and reacted accordingly. He does not know the context. He is not a bad person and I do not wish to portray him as such. I wish he didn’t have to deal with my bullshit. Second, about how it’s not possible to cover my mouth and have me pinned. I didn’t want to go into details but if this clarification is necessary for the commenters disbelieving me I’ll say this. He first grabbed both my wrists and then placed it together above my head, held it with one hand, and placed his other hand over my mouth. Yes, his hand is strong enough to hold down both my wrists, he is 6’1, I am 5’3. It scares me that so many people feel like this is unbelievable when they don’t even know the guy. It is only more unbelievable if you did. I don't know what more I could say to have people believe me. And I don’t even have any evidence. I was thinking of sharing this with my boyfriend but now I don’t know. You do not at all have to believe me, but if someone else in real life comes out with an experience like this please believe them.
Not fighting/screaming: I don’t know. I put in my post that I don’t know. I know that was my mistake and if I were to go back I would have 100% done so. I know many say freezing up is an instinct but I have never done such before, even in scary situations. I didn’t want him to, but I admit I did let him. I only told him to stop when he was on top of me and moving my arms, I did not when he removed my clothes or started intercourse. I never said no. I don’t know why I didn’t do anything but I regret it with everything and I desperately wish I had.
Send him this post: There’s so many comments saying this stuff about it seeming fake, or if they were the boyfriend they would think it’s suspicious, or this seems like a cover up to cheating and that I also led him on and put myself there. I was really thinking of going to, but I don’t need him reading the comments. I know many of you are not saying these things and I thank you for being so kind to me, but I don’t want him to further doubt me. I was thinking of maybe sending him a screenshot of this, but he could always search it up and read the comments. I’m leaning more towards a letter.
Reporting him: I was not innocent. I led him on and gave him signals that any other guy would take as interest. I never intended to, but I still did. I don’t think he did it with ill intent. He went along with the hints he thought I was giving him and I didn’t do anything to stop that track. I don’t believe he is in danger to anyone else, I don’t believe he thought he was forcing me, even if it felt like it to me. Holding someone like he was can be common in sex, and in hindsight he was probably covering my mouth so I didn’t wake up the whole house. He was just going along with what he thought was interest.
Tell parents/trusted adult: Yes I live in the US and have all my life. Yes, my mom is white. She just has a very misogynistic and traditional family. I can not emphasize how much telling her or my dad would be a bad idea. I can almost assure you they will blame me and get mad, and I'll never hear the end of it. If I report, or if I am able to take any legal action, I can’t have them involved. As for my friends, the ones I spend the most time with are my boyfriend’s friends. His social circle is basically mine. I still have friends in my school separate from them, but most aren’t adults yet and can’t do much. I also pretty much live with my boyfriend, so naturally I am closer to his friends than I am to my own. However, he is closer to them than I am. I have already had some of his (my) friends unfollow/block me (on instagram, I still have their numbers). I don’t know how to feel about my friends thinking I would do something that cruel or not being able to talk to them, possibly ever again. There is a possibility of my teachers, but I don’t know how comfortable I am with that. Honestly I am fine with not telling anyone.
I’m so sorry for making this post so long and being such a mess.
