Sapieeen
It's ova
- Joined
- May 31, 2022
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I had my first full day of in-person classes today. It was overstimulating, but I managed it well… at least until my last class. One of my most prominent autism traits is difficulty with idioms/similar types of common phrases - I cannot mask this trait and my attempts to mask it always result in embarrassing situations where I totally replace the actual phrase with something bizarre.
While overstimulated (my seat was unavailable, I sat in a really bad spot sensory-wise, I had spent the whole day in an overstimulating facility, and I couldn’t figure out how to jump into a group conversation to speak to my professor), I informed my professor that I got a medical device implanted that requires I check my phone sometimes and there is no way for me to predict when I will need to do so. He said that it wasn’t a problem and thanked me for letting him know. At this point, the interaction was stressing me out quite badly, and I started to uncontrollably mask in the worst way… by using an endearing phrase that neurotypicals often use in an attempt to justify even sharing my announcement with my professor in the first place.
All I could get out was “I wouldn’t want you to think I’m just” as I trailed off, attempting to communicate that I wouldn’t want my professor to think I am slacking off. While my brain panicked to think of a relevant phrase, I already started walking away. As I reached the middle of the full, quiet classroom, I blurted, “jacking off.” I was instantly embarrassed when I heard it come out of my mouth because I realized that it is not an appropriate phrase for law school due to its sexual connotations. I cringed through the next hour of class while unable to distance myself from the memory.
But when I told my partner about it, he informed me that “jacking off” isn’t even a phrase used outside of sexual purposes and that it certainly is not used to communicate that someone is just slacking off. Now that horrifying memory is even worse - it sounds like I was trying to hide my attempts to “jack off” from my professor in the loudest, most obvious way that hilariously failed to actually hide it at all
I now realize I meant that I do not want my professor to think I am SLACKING OFF!!! SLACKING! Not JACKING!
But folks, it gets worse. Less than ten minutes later, my professor taught the class by explaining, “freedom entails more than the freedom to watch porn on your phone.” I don’t know if he really did this, but I swear that I could feel his eye contact burning into my soul wile he spoke. He is my favorite professor, and now I am so mortified I may never speak to him again.
While overstimulated (my seat was unavailable, I sat in a really bad spot sensory-wise, I had spent the whole day in an overstimulating facility, and I couldn’t figure out how to jump into a group conversation to speak to my professor), I informed my professor that I got a medical device implanted that requires I check my phone sometimes and there is no way for me to predict when I will need to do so. He said that it wasn’t a problem and thanked me for letting him know. At this point, the interaction was stressing me out quite badly, and I started to uncontrollably mask in the worst way… by using an endearing phrase that neurotypicals often use in an attempt to justify even sharing my announcement with my professor in the first place.
All I could get out was “I wouldn’t want you to think I’m just” as I trailed off, attempting to communicate that I wouldn’t want my professor to think I am slacking off. While my brain panicked to think of a relevant phrase, I already started walking away. As I reached the middle of the full, quiet classroom, I blurted, “jacking off.” I was instantly embarrassed when I heard it come out of my mouth because I realized that it is not an appropriate phrase for law school due to its sexual connotations. I cringed through the next hour of class while unable to distance myself from the memory.
But when I told my partner about it, he informed me that “jacking off” isn’t even a phrase used outside of sexual purposes and that it certainly is not used to communicate that someone is just slacking off. Now that horrifying memory is even worse - it sounds like I was trying to hide my attempts to “jack off” from my professor in the loudest, most obvious way that hilariously failed to actually hide it at all
I now realize I meant that I do not want my professor to think I am SLACKING OFF!!! SLACKING! Not JACKING!But folks, it gets worse. Less than ten minutes later, my professor taught the class by explaining, “freedom entails more than the freedom to watch porn on your phone.” I don’t know if he really did this, but I swear that I could feel his eye contact burning into my soul wile he spoke. He is my favorite professor, and now I am so mortified I may never speak to him again.
