JeanneDArcAlter
الله أكبر
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2024
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I'm posting this on a throwaway because I do not want this linked to my main account and I do not want to face any drama with regards to what I have to say here. I honestly expect this post to get y'alled knowing how well mods take the topic of mods and peoples opinions about them but whatever I'm gonna talk about this anyway.
So, to start out, I'm a moderator. I am a janitor over on 4chans /v/ board and a mod on a handful of small and moderate sized sub's over here on reddit and I also mod said servers discord channels. This has been a "hobby" for a few years now. I spend hours each day jumping between these moderating when not working, eating, or playing video games.
2 months ago, I started seeing a new therapist. I got recommended to see her for a few reasons, one of which is that she is very much in the know about internet culture. This is very much true as well. She is a lady in her mid 50's and seems understands everything i talk about when it comes to this stuff. I can mention stuff about reddit and 4chan and she understands, and even knows about obscure events and memes when I bring them up. She is incredibly understanding about internet friends and often tells me about how she thinks online communities are a great place for people to go out of their shell and grow.
Well, as I learned monday that's not always her belief. I go to her twice a week, on Monday and Wednesday. The first month of seeing her has been great for me and has helped my mental a ton, but over the past few weeks I've started to notice that she seems to be getting frustrated or baffled with some of what I tell her and she has started to make suggestions about how I conduct myself and spend my time. I never really took much of what she told me serious and when she told me she believed I would feel better looking into "real life" hobbies I argued that what I do online is a hobby and as she had said before online groups and communities are just as valid as real life ones.
This changed Monday night. Before this, I had noticed that she spent first half of Monday and all of the previous Wednesday asking me about my hobby as a mod and my interaction with my friends in these communities. I thought that she was interested in it or that she was going to lead somewhere with this. I never imagined what she would tell me. Halfway through monday, she had me stop talking and just sat there for what felt for forever before she asked me
"Jeff (not my real name btw. just putting that out there), do you really not see just how pathetic this all is?"
This stunned me. I felt so hurt by this that I couldn't even respond. I just sat there like a deer in headlights before she started to continue. She told me that every one of my "friends" I talked about are just people sucking up to me for my power or people that only talk to me because I'm a mod. It tried to argue back and shot back with this.
"Jeff, when I talk about making friends through online communities I mean personal friendships formed over similar interests. From everything you've told me, these people are not your friends. They're fellow mods who have the same exact issues with convincing themselves that the people they hold power over are their friends, and not just random people who deal with them because they have too."
I don't even remember what she said after that. I just tuned out until she finally just asked me
"Jeff, is hobby video games? Or is your hobby moderating 4chans video game board and subreddits revolving around video games?"
At that point I just asked to end the session early and left. I skipped out on my session last night, and woke up this morning to a text from her. "I know why you didn't show up to our session today Jeff. I did not say what I did to hurt you. I said it because I fully believe it is at the core of why you came to see me. You are going to have to face the reality of what is going on here eventually Jeff. I hope to see you Monday."
I fully expect to ripped on for being a mod. I wrote this on a throw away because I do not want any of my fellow mods I work with to know what I was told. And I skipped out on my appointment yesterday, because I know it's all true. I spent the past few years of my life, hours a day, on this "hobby" and it's pathetic. And I don't know what to do about it...
So, to start out, I'm a moderator. I am a janitor over on 4chans /v/ board and a mod on a handful of small and moderate sized sub's over here on reddit and I also mod said servers discord channels. This has been a "hobby" for a few years now. I spend hours each day jumping between these moderating when not working, eating, or playing video games.
2 months ago, I started seeing a new therapist. I got recommended to see her for a few reasons, one of which is that she is very much in the know about internet culture. This is very much true as well. She is a lady in her mid 50's and seems understands everything i talk about when it comes to this stuff. I can mention stuff about reddit and 4chan and she understands, and even knows about obscure events and memes when I bring them up. She is incredibly understanding about internet friends and often tells me about how she thinks online communities are a great place for people to go out of their shell and grow.
Well, as I learned monday that's not always her belief. I go to her twice a week, on Monday and Wednesday. The first month of seeing her has been great for me and has helped my mental a ton, but over the past few weeks I've started to notice that she seems to be getting frustrated or baffled with some of what I tell her and she has started to make suggestions about how I conduct myself and spend my time. I never really took much of what she told me serious and when she told me she believed I would feel better looking into "real life" hobbies I argued that what I do online is a hobby and as she had said before online groups and communities are just as valid as real life ones.
This changed Monday night. Before this, I had noticed that she spent first half of Monday and all of the previous Wednesday asking me about my hobby as a mod and my interaction with my friends in these communities. I thought that she was interested in it or that she was going to lead somewhere with this. I never imagined what she would tell me. Halfway through monday, she had me stop talking and just sat there for what felt for forever before she asked me
"Jeff (not my real name btw. just putting that out there), do you really not see just how pathetic this all is?"
This stunned me. I felt so hurt by this that I couldn't even respond. I just sat there like a deer in headlights before she started to continue. She told me that every one of my "friends" I talked about are just people sucking up to me for my power or people that only talk to me because I'm a mod. It tried to argue back and shot back with this.
"Jeff, when I talk about making friends through online communities I mean personal friendships formed over similar interests. From everything you've told me, these people are not your friends. They're fellow mods who have the same exact issues with convincing themselves that the people they hold power over are their friends, and not just random people who deal with them because they have too."
I don't even remember what she said after that. I just tuned out until she finally just asked me
"Jeff, is hobby video games? Or is your hobby moderating 4chans video game board and subreddits revolving around video games?"
At that point I just asked to end the session early and left. I skipped out on my session last night, and woke up this morning to a text from her. "I know why you didn't show up to our session today Jeff. I did not say what I did to hurt you. I said it because I fully believe it is at the core of why you came to see me. You are going to have to face the reality of what is going on here eventually Jeff. I hope to see you Monday."
I fully expect to ripped on for being a mod. I wrote this on a throw away because I do not want any of my fellow mods I work with to know what I was told. And I skipped out on my appointment yesterday, because I know it's all true. I spent the past few years of my life, hours a day, on this "hobby" and it's pathetic. And I don't know what to do about it...
