Vermilioncore
I don’t like who I am
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2019
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!!! TRIGGER WARNING!!! This post will mention serial killers, murder, and rape.
It may be long post but please bear with me because I need to get this off my chest.
I am having extreme anxiety because of this.
I have always expressed that people who go out of their way to say a serial killer, or someone who has done horrible shit, is attractive are weird, insensitive people. I am also against America’s love for romanticizing serial killers in movies and shows and such.
But I don’t know whats happening to me. I finished watching the night stalker documentary on Netflix like 3 days ago and, for some reason, after finishing watching it, I cant get the dude out my head. I’ve looked at him before and I did kind of notice that yeah okay he is kind of a good looking person but fuck that. He did horrible, disgusting and evil shit and doesn’t deserve to be seen in that way. There is no way this monster’s acts could ever be excused. I would never want to be around any human who is capable of such heinous shit. But for some fucking odd reason, I can’t seem to stop thinking about “how attractive he is.” He doesn’t even look that good for me to be experiencing this and I tell myself this, but “my brain” wants to think about him. It is making me make scenarios with his looks (like make scenarios of us together in a “world” where he wasn’t a horrible person or make scenarios with someone who looks similar to him but isn’t him) and it’s disgusting. I literally hate myself right now. It’s disrespectful of me that after watching and listening to the shit he did, this is what I am thinking about. Is it my hormones? My lack of ever receiving male attention? I mean I’ve never craved male attention. On the contrary, thinking of men finding me attractive creeps me out and makes me anxious, but idk. Is my subconscious or my hormones making me obsess over random men?? Shouldn’t my “hormones” or mind or whatever make me want to do the contrary since this motherfucker literally raped women and children??? I have tried to constantly remind myself of this, but it hasn’t helped.
I am cringing as I write this. It’s so frustrating and I feel so guilty. I want to cry because I hate experiencing this. Something similar to this has happened to me before with two other guys. One from a band and one from a movie. I didn’t think they were attractive but them liking things I like or having cool, pretty hair made me kind of “simp” over them, and it was a weird feeling because I didn’t like them in that way. It was like my brain, not me, liked romanticizing them. I know I AM my brain but this is the only way I can explain it.
I could get over these other two times because it’s not like they were horrible pos like this night stalker dude, but it was annoying. Idk wtf to do. Please don’t see me as a scumbag who would ever make excuses for these types of people who do the shit this dude did. I sincerely abore this monster.
It’s like I’m battling with my own self. I hope this ends soon. Hopefully it’s just pre-period hormones or something making me feel like this. It is the most weird unexplainable feeling I have went through. I have constantly been anxious these past three days and I feel like I constantly need to do something to occupy my mind because I don’t want to think about him. But it seems like the more I want to stop, the more I think about him. I am super exhausted from this. I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, and please understand that I am fully aware that what I am thinking is 100% wrong. Thanks for your time to read.
It may be long post but please bear with me because I need to get this off my chest.
I am having extreme anxiety because of this.
I have always expressed that people who go out of their way to say a serial killer, or someone who has done horrible shit, is attractive are weird, insensitive people. I am also against America’s love for romanticizing serial killers in movies and shows and such.
But I don’t know whats happening to me. I finished watching the night stalker documentary on Netflix like 3 days ago and, for some reason, after finishing watching it, I cant get the dude out my head. I’ve looked at him before and I did kind of notice that yeah okay he is kind of a good looking person but fuck that. He did horrible, disgusting and evil shit and doesn’t deserve to be seen in that way. There is no way this monster’s acts could ever be excused. I would never want to be around any human who is capable of such heinous shit. But for some fucking odd reason, I can’t seem to stop thinking about “how attractive he is.” He doesn’t even look that good for me to be experiencing this and I tell myself this, but “my brain” wants to think about him. It is making me make scenarios with his looks (like make scenarios of us together in a “world” where he wasn’t a horrible person or make scenarios with someone who looks similar to him but isn’t him) and it’s disgusting. I literally hate myself right now. It’s disrespectful of me that after watching and listening to the shit he did, this is what I am thinking about. Is it my hormones? My lack of ever receiving male attention? I mean I’ve never craved male attention. On the contrary, thinking of men finding me attractive creeps me out and makes me anxious, but idk. Is my subconscious or my hormones making me obsess over random men?? Shouldn’t my “hormones” or mind or whatever make me want to do the contrary since this motherfucker literally raped women and children??? I have tried to constantly remind myself of this, but it hasn’t helped.
I am cringing as I write this. It’s so frustrating and I feel so guilty. I want to cry because I hate experiencing this. Something similar to this has happened to me before with two other guys. One from a band and one from a movie. I didn’t think they were attractive but them liking things I like or having cool, pretty hair made me kind of “simp” over them, and it was a weird feeling because I didn’t like them in that way. It was like my brain, not me, liked romanticizing them. I know I AM my brain but this is the only way I can explain it.
I could get over these other two times because it’s not like they were horrible pos like this night stalker dude, but it was annoying. Idk wtf to do. Please don’t see me as a scumbag who would ever make excuses for these types of people who do the shit this dude did. I sincerely abore this monster.
It’s like I’m battling with my own self. I hope this ends soon. Hopefully it’s just pre-period hormones or something making me feel like this. It is the most weird unexplainable feeling I have went through. I have constantly been anxious these past three days and I feel like I constantly need to do something to occupy my mind because I don’t want to think about him. But it seems like the more I want to stop, the more I think about him. I am super exhausted from this. I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, and please understand that I am fully aware that what I am thinking is 100% wrong. Thanks for your time to read.
