I can't connect with people anymore, even when I want to

[maxmogvril]

There’s something seriously broken in how I perceive people now.
It’s not bitterness or superiority - it’s something worse: a kind of numb, automatic filter that activates the moment I see someone’s face.


I've talked to over 20 people recently - different backgrounds, different looks, different vibes.
And I noticed something that genuinely bothers me:
The people with “flawed” appearances tend to be kind, deep, real.
The ones with “beautiful” faces? Often cold, boring, or just... empty.


It wasn’t just a one-time pattern.
It kept repeating.
And even worse -I couldn’t let myself feel anything for the good ones.
Because the moment I saw a slightly receded jaw, or a wider interocular distance, or some small asymmetry…
something in me would shut off.
Like a switch.
Like some part of me said, “nope - not good enough.”


I hate that.
I hate that I’ve trained my brain to scan people like this.
I hate that I’ve lost the ability to just be around someone and feel warmth without dissecting their face.
I miss when I didn’t care.
I miss when I could just exist with someone and not feel like I was running them through a mental checklist of facial features.


Maybe I did this to protect myself - maybe after years of feeling ugly or invisible, I built this system to feel in control.
To judge before I could be judged.
But now it’s eating me from the inside.
Because now, even when I meet someone kind, someone who should make me feel something...
I just feel cold.


And worst of all?
I’m terrified of being perceived the same way.
I know how brutal my mind can be when I look at others
so the idea that someone could look at me and think the same?
It makes me want to vanish.


I don’t want to be like this.
But I also don’t know how to unlearn it.

 

[maxmogvril]

 

[fk732]

There’s something seriously broken in how I perceive people now.
It’s not bitterness or superiority - it’s something worse: a kind of numb, automatic filter that activates the moment I see someone’s face.


I've talked to over 20 people recently - different backgrounds, different looks, different vibes.
And I noticed something that genuinely bothers me:
The people with “flawed” appearances tend to be kind, deep, real.
The ones with “beautiful” faces? Often cold, boring, or just... empty.


It wasn’t just a one-time pattern.
It kept repeating.
And even worse -I couldn’t let myself feel anything for the good ones.
Because the moment I saw a slightly receded jaw, or a wider interocular distance, or some small asymmetry…
something in me would shut off.
Like a switch.
Like some part of me said, “nope - not good enough.”


I hate that.
I hate that I’ve trained my brain to scan people like this.
I hate that I’ve lost the ability to just be around someone and feel warmth without dissecting their face.
I miss when I didn’t care.
I miss when I could just exist with someone and not feel like I was running them through a mental checklist of facial features.


Maybe I did this to protect myself - maybe after years of feeling ugly or invisible, I built this system to feel in control.
To judge before I could be judged.
But now it’s eating me from the inside.
Because now, even when I meet someone kind, someone who should make me feel something...
I just feel cold.


And worst of all?
I’m terrified of being perceived the same way.
I know how brutal my mind can be when I look at others
so the idea that someone could look at me and think the same?
It makes me want to vanish.


I don’t want to be like this.
But I also don’t know how to unlearn it.

The thing is, it feel so bad from your pov because your aware of it, people in general have the same tough as you but they dont even realize it

 

[Quicksand]

Sissy

 

[romanstock]