futureashtray
caylee cowan > your oneitis
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2023
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im not black enough, im not white enough, im not hispanic enough, im not asian enough, im not anything
i have no cultural identity
i was born in my home country and the city i from is filled with people with a happy and NT and extroverted personality
then there’s me, i was born there but moved to the USA while i was still an infant so i was never able to pickup the culture and never had that as my personality
and now im the usa i could not fit in with white people and black peoplez
Asians, they hate me. Then it’s the Hispanics.
2-3 years ago, i thought that getting and having Hispanic friends would be easy since i thought i was like them.
Im bilingual and can speak good spanish, but no
they also did not like me.
as a matter of fucking fact, south east asians were more hispanic than me
i remember last year when my mom had the idea to visit and stay her friends house since they had just moved to the usa and lived in that city all their life
the difference in culture was significant. her friend and specifically her daughter life mogged me with her NTness
She had so many friends and shit while i was there alone just using my phone trying to look “normal” or so i thought
she would literally go to other houses to meet up with her friends and they would go to hers and it looked like a very fun life.
i vividly remember being in a dark room alone laying on the ground since the inflatable bed was just terrible and hearing them laugh and have fun
i would be on my side and while i heard that laughing specifically I would become filled with rage and sadness, tears flowing down my eyes. i just wanted to go to sleep.
ive felt that feeling many times, and when i do. I fucking hate it
the last time i felt it though i also remember it vividly.
it was after my school soccer team won the first (and only game) of the season against some trash team. This was last November
we won 2-0 and everybody was celebrating, the girls team was waiting for the boys team so they stayed and was also on the bus
everyone was happy since we had just won a game. and i was just there existing
no one on the team liked me and i didn’t even make the team, i just told the coach I wanted to be a manager because i wanted to train with them and wanted to feel what they felt when they made the team
anyway, it was nighttime and when we were back on the bus everyone was celebrating and laughing
and i was there in the back of the bus alone, hearing them talking and laughing
I was dreadful but when i heard the girls and guys laughing i felt that quiet rage with tears.
i hated it, i hate that feeling, as if i am isolated specifically. i would close my eyes and cover my ears like an autist.
i fucking hate it. it’s the only feeling that i hate, it’s the worst feeling i have ever felt in my entire life
one day i will be fucking famous and wealthy and powerful and they will look up to me.
They will all see me on the news, talk about how they used to know me.
And I will never acknowledge them, fuck them. I hate all of them. Those idiots, I fucking hate them.
I will be wealth, successful, famous.
The world will look at me, while they are down in the slums working their office job or minimum wage job
I wish nothing but the absolute worst for them. fuck them.
I’ll be a God, one they are forced to worship since “everyone else” is, since all they do is follow what others are doing. Not a shred of originality. And when I see them change their behavior towards me I will send them to hell.
fuck them. ill be the God the world talks about in my 20s and 30s and so on while they will still be talking about their highschool memories and going to those football games.
i have no cultural identity
i was born in my home country and the city i from is filled with people with a happy and NT and extroverted personality
then there’s me, i was born there but moved to the USA while i was still an infant so i was never able to pickup the culture and never had that as my personality
and now im the usa i could not fit in with white people and black peoplez
Asians, they hate me. Then it’s the Hispanics.
2-3 years ago, i thought that getting and having Hispanic friends would be easy since i thought i was like them.
Im bilingual and can speak good spanish, but no
they also did not like me.
as a matter of fucking fact, south east asians were more hispanic than me
i remember last year when my mom had the idea to visit and stay her friends house since they had just moved to the usa and lived in that city all their life
the difference in culture was significant. her friend and specifically her daughter life mogged me with her NTness
She had so many friends and shit while i was there alone just using my phone trying to look “normal” or so i thought
she would literally go to other houses to meet up with her friends and they would go to hers and it looked like a very fun life.
i vividly remember being in a dark room alone laying on the ground since the inflatable bed was just terrible and hearing them laugh and have fun
i would be on my side and while i heard that laughing specifically I would become filled with rage and sadness, tears flowing down my eyes. i just wanted to go to sleep.
ive felt that feeling many times, and when i do. I fucking hate it
the last time i felt it though i also remember it vividly.
it was after my school soccer team won the first (and only game) of the season against some trash team. This was last November
we won 2-0 and everybody was celebrating, the girls team was waiting for the boys team so they stayed and was also on the bus
everyone was happy since we had just won a game. and i was just there existing
no one on the team liked me and i didn’t even make the team, i just told the coach I wanted to be a manager because i wanted to train with them and wanted to feel what they felt when they made the team
anyway, it was nighttime and when we were back on the bus everyone was celebrating and laughing
and i was there in the back of the bus alone, hearing them talking and laughing
I was dreadful but when i heard the girls and guys laughing i felt that quiet rage with tears.
i hated it, i hate that feeling, as if i am isolated specifically. i would close my eyes and cover my ears like an autist.
i fucking hate it. it’s the only feeling that i hate, it’s the worst feeling i have ever felt in my entire life
one day i will be fucking famous and wealthy and powerful and they will look up to me.
They will all see me on the news, talk about how they used to know me.
And I will never acknowledge them, fuck them. I hate all of them. Those idiots, I fucking hate them.
I will be wealth, successful, famous.
The world will look at me, while they are down in the slums working their office job or minimum wage job
I wish nothing but the absolute worst for them. fuck them.
I’ll be a God, one they are forced to worship since “everyone else” is, since all they do is follow what others are doing. Not a shred of originality. And when I see them change their behavior towards me I will send them to hell.
fuck them. ill be the God the world talks about in my 20s and 30s and so on while they will still be talking about their highschool memories and going to those football games.
