ElySioNs
Mercenary
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2021
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Earlier this year, I reconnected with someone from my past. My relationship then was purely sexual. This time, we began an actual friendship which developed in to more. Our relationship was mostly virtual, with video chats and a few phone calls. We saw each other twice. The second included being sexual. While we were both open about not wanting to leave our families, we were still having an inappropriate relationship. The only reasoning I have for establishing this relationship was needing something for myself. Without going in to detail, there is no aspect of my life that is mine. My role in my family and job is to be of service. I'm constantly doing things for others with no room for myself. This relationship gave me a sense of being me again.
My husband started catching on last week. I tried to cover it up by telling him I wanted a three some. Which isn't untrue... But it wasn't true at the time. At that point, he sodomized me. I took several days for me to stop bleeding and being in pain. That was the first sexual assault. When he discovered the relationship a few days later, with lots of trying to cover up things about a relationship that was mine, I eventually told him. This past Saturday, he approached me about it. We were having friends over. We spoke about it, I gave him the details that I could without getting in to it before other people were around. We made it through most of the night until I was putting one of our children to sleep. He took me to our bedroom and raped me. With our children in the other room and our friends outside. And when I had to go back and face them, one of the husbands made a comment about it being more than a quickie (that friend's husband now looks at me weirdly). After everyone left, it was awful. He raped me in every way he could, for about 2 hours. He didn't care that he was making me bleed. He didn't care that he was causing me pain. He didn't care that I was begging him to stop. He didn't care. At one point, during the begging to stop, I said something like this isn't how to treat someone you love and he responded very clearly with "this isn't about love". One of our young children woke up at one point and opened the door (he was so hell bent on assaulting me, he didn't lock the door). I had to put my child back to sleep after having been raped by her father. I don't remember how it ended. I know he brought me back after putting her to bed and it continued, but I don't remember for how long or what else happened.
The next day he apologized for what he did. He said he was angry and couldn't think of another way to take out his anger. We talked more about it that night. It was ok. Since then, We've talked about it more. I explained everything about the relationship, with the exception of divulging any personal information about the "boyfriend". He has continued to want to have sex with me, which I've gone along with. Yesterday, I explained that because he had raped me (I used those words) and since I had started my cycle, I wanted to take a week off from sex. That I needed to process what my actions had caused. Not 10 minutes later, he was trying to turn me on and directed me to perform oral sex on him. Which I did. Our of pure guilt.
I want to get over it, especially since my actions caused his. I just keep going between feeling disgusting, completely deserving of what he did, to angry that he did this to me, that when I broke his trust, I wasn't trying to hurt him. But when he broke mine, his only intention was to physically hurt me. And then I go back to feeling disgusting because my actions caused it. And I'm sad because the relationship I had with the "boyfriend" was important to me and helped me in many ways (there's got to be a silver lining). So there's grief that I've lost the friendship and leaving it the way I did. I know it's selfish.
I wanted to post this as a way of talking about what happened. Since there is no other person in my life I could tell about it. I love my husband. I want to get over it. I want him to be able to get over it. I want to be sure he will never do that to me again. I want to stop feeling like I deserved what he did. I want to stop telling myself how much of a piece of s**t I am. I'll take any and all advice I can.
My husband started catching on last week. I tried to cover it up by telling him I wanted a three some. Which isn't untrue... But it wasn't true at the time. At that point, he sodomized me. I took several days for me to stop bleeding and being in pain. That was the first sexual assault. When he discovered the relationship a few days later, with lots of trying to cover up things about a relationship that was mine, I eventually told him. This past Saturday, he approached me about it. We were having friends over. We spoke about it, I gave him the details that I could without getting in to it before other people were around. We made it through most of the night until I was putting one of our children to sleep. He took me to our bedroom and raped me. With our children in the other room and our friends outside. And when I had to go back and face them, one of the husbands made a comment about it being more than a quickie (that friend's husband now looks at me weirdly). After everyone left, it was awful. He raped me in every way he could, for about 2 hours. He didn't care that he was making me bleed. He didn't care that he was causing me pain. He didn't care that I was begging him to stop. He didn't care. At one point, during the begging to stop, I said something like this isn't how to treat someone you love and he responded very clearly with "this isn't about love". One of our young children woke up at one point and opened the door (he was so hell bent on assaulting me, he didn't lock the door). I had to put my child back to sleep after having been raped by her father. I don't remember how it ended. I know he brought me back after putting her to bed and it continued, but I don't remember for how long or what else happened.
The next day he apologized for what he did. He said he was angry and couldn't think of another way to take out his anger. We talked more about it that night. It was ok. Since then, We've talked about it more. I explained everything about the relationship, with the exception of divulging any personal information about the "boyfriend". He has continued to want to have sex with me, which I've gone along with. Yesterday, I explained that because he had raped me (I used those words) and since I had started my cycle, I wanted to take a week off from sex. That I needed to process what my actions had caused. Not 10 minutes later, he was trying to turn me on and directed me to perform oral sex on him. Which I did. Our of pure guilt.
I want to get over it, especially since my actions caused his. I just keep going between feeling disgusting, completely deserving of what he did, to angry that he did this to me, that when I broke his trust, I wasn't trying to hurt him. But when he broke mine, his only intention was to physically hurt me. And then I go back to feeling disgusting because my actions caused it. And I'm sad because the relationship I had with the "boyfriend" was important to me and helped me in many ways (there's got to be a silver lining). So there's grief that I've lost the friendship and leaving it the way I did. I know it's selfish.
I wanted to post this as a way of talking about what happened. Since there is no other person in my life I could tell about it. I love my husband. I want to get over it. I want him to be able to get over it. I want to be sure he will never do that to me again. I want to stop feeling like I deserved what he did. I want to stop telling myself how much of a piece of s**t I am. I'll take any and all advice I can.
