ElySioNs
Mercenary
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TW: rape description & talks of suicide
Hello Reddit, I'm Sasha (27F). This part of my life has been weighing me down for years and I need to get this truly off my chest.
Throwaway and will probably delete. I will start from the very beginning of my life so I can perhaps understand why I made certain decisions. Names will be fake.
Growing up I had been SA'd as a child multiple times. I never told anyone not even my parents out of fear. I remember as a child then being attracted to adult men. On VERY RARE occasions I had few crushes on kids my age.
Perhaps that's the reason the next part of my life happened the way it did. When I was 15, I was friends with a guy named Eddy (16m). Eddy and I became very good friends and we'd occasionally flirt with each other. I liked Eddy but we never advance to anything else.
One day in August, he called me and asked if I'd be interested in talking to a cousin of his, Jeff (21m). I was angry at first because I liked Eddy. I felt like he was giving me the signal that he was no longer interested in me. Out of anger I said "Sure." A response I'd soon regret for the rest of my life.
Jeff calls me and I learn that he's 21 and he has 2 children from 2 different women. I should've seen this as a huuuuge red flag. No, I should've seen his AGE as a red flag but I guess in my own stupid fucked up mind I felt "mature" enough to continue talking to him. He was honest about having kids so it cant be that bad right? I admit, I did lie and said I was 17 years old at but about 2 weeks later Eddy tells him my true age. Yeah, that didn't stop Jeff from calling me everyday after school. He also finds out I'm a virgin and makes jokes about me being lame.
Jeff and I would talk for HOURS. Sometimes about hobbies, same interests. Etc. Sometimes he wouldn't say anything and just refuse to hang up while I'd watch TV. I didn't think anything weird about it just annoyed every now and then. Then one day we send pictures of each other. I admit, I didn't find him that attractive. But, he found me "pretty." Somehow, it led to us sexting. That night he called me masterbating so I could hear him. It was weird at first but then the thought that I put him in that position excited me.
We agreed to see each other a few weeks later. I lived with my single dad at the time. I snuck out for the first time. It was about midnight since I waited for everyone in the house to be asleep. Jeff picked me up in his 1987 Cadillac. When I get inside he looked like his picture.
Jeff was acting strange tho. He drove a few blocks down since he lived about 5 minutes away from me. I met his best friend. Being in that car was weird. He wasn't saying much just repeated "Damn, uhmm." He acted bored and disinterested and I started to regret my decision meeting him. He asked randomly if he could kiss me and I agreed. I was nervous because I had never kissed a mustache before. It was okay, but he would bite my lips hard. Hard enough that they bruised next day. Eventually we get out of the car and continue kissing standing up. He starts touching me and it freaked me out a bit but it felt... good. I was wearing a black ruffle skirt and black shirt. I have never had a sexual experience before this encounter (not including being SA'd nor making out with Eddy). He easily accessed my underwear and I hate to admit I let him touch me. Again it felt good. After nearly 2 hours together he takes me home.
When I get home I am feeling a range of emotions. I'm happy, excited, but then... ashamed. How could I have let that happen? It was my 1st time meeting him and I let him touch me? This was not the 1st encounter I had in mind. I hate myself for letting him do that. However, I want it to happen again.
Weeks pass by, we continue talking and I think I love him. Each time I see a call or text from him my stomach flutters. I have wild sexual fantasies about him. No one else can understand what I feel not even my friends because they only date guys our age not someone as mature as Jeff.
I start to sneak out every Friday or Saturday night to see him. Meanwhile my poor father is passed out on his bed from exhaustion due to working 12 hour shifts to support our family. Jeff and I continue performing sexual acts on each other fully clothed with the exception of full on sex. I regularly wear skirts for easy access for him to put his hands on me and for fast coverage in case someone drives or walks by.
Then one night he calls me. He seems serious in a way (i later find out it's because he got into an argument with babymama #2). When he picks me up he drives to to a different location. We start making out as per usual in his car. I end up straddling him. To my fucking horror he takes his dick out and shovels it inside me. It's excruciatingly painful because 1) I still have my underwear on 2) I'm a virgin. I tell him "Wait, Jeff, stop!" Feeling the wedgie of my underwear I stupidly pull it to the side for relief since it was somewhat inside as I'm trying to lift myself off. He holds onto me and pushes me down. I can still remember the sharp pains feeling like a knife was inside me. I'm telling him "No wait! Stop! Ow!" I can't fucking think straight. I'm able to push myself off and land on my belly since the leather seats have no space in between. As I'm trying to get the fuck away he immediately pounces and continues his assault. I'm screaming yelling, telling him to stop, and he doesn't. A car passing by loses his focus and stops. He tells me we're going to get caught and drives off. I'm so shell-shocked I can't even gather my words as I'm more focused on the pain between my legs. My head is screaming at me to get the fuck out and run but I'm terrified at this point. My body is still and my legs feel like jelly. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of what he might do if I tell him i dont want to do this. He drives to his house and he takes me to an abandoned house next to his. He proceeds his assault. My screams echo throughout the empty house as I'm praying for it to be over. Yelling for him to "Please stop! Jeff Wait! Ow! Ow! Ow!" I don't know how long I was there but it feels like hours. I'm crying and I want to die. He finally finishes and I just want to go home.
When he drops me off. I sneak into my room and everything seems different. I walk to my bathroom dragging my feet. I get in the shower where I stay there for nearly 2 hours scrubbing myself trying to scrub off the "filth" on my body and replaying the SA in my head. I sit down my bathtub as the warm water soothes my privates but it's not enough. This was not how I was supposed to lose my virginity. I was supposed to lose my virginity on my wedding night to the love of my life as my favorite song played in the background. My mind is battling itself from "Omg, I'm not a virgin anymore. I told him to stop. But why did I wear a skirt? I shouldn't have led him on. I'm stupid. I'm a stupid slut. He raped me. No, he didn't. Yes he did. No, no you've had oral with him. But I never told him I wanted to have sex. But you put your underwear to the side. For relief for the pain he was causing me not for him to continue raping me. STOP SAYING IT WAS RAPE! Why didn't I tell him to take me home? BECAUSE HES A GANG BANGER WITH A TEMPER. Omg I was raped. STOP! STOP SAYING YOU WERE RAPED!"
Hours later I go to church with my dad. I feel like everyone knows I'm a whore and I'm still battling the same conversation in my head. I take multiple showers throughout the day and I tell my dad it's because my period cramps are hurting my back. Jeff calls me as I'd nothing happened. I break the ice, "You know what happened...... I didn't want THAT to happen." He gets defensive and annoyed "What? You're saying I raped you? Man don't start that shit. You know what you were doing wearing that skirt. I just don't know why you were being so loud." I remind him "I was being loud because I was a virgin remember?!" His response? "Oh." We continue talking and in my head I see us getting married and me becoming a stepmother of his 2 children at the age of 15 years old.
For the next few months we continue having sex and it still hurts. Then one day he ghosts me. I get the number from Eddy and when I call Jeff he's annoyed. He says "You and I were nothing. We weren't even together. I'm with (babymama #2) now." I'm devastated and for nearly a week I can't sleep. The love of my life is gone. I go to Eddy for comfort where he tells me "I shouldn't have introduced you to him." I ask him why he did it and his next response pisses me off. "I was testing you. I wanted to see how much you liked me and when you agreed to talk to him in my book you failed the test." I look at him with eyes of betrayal. I want to punch him and unfriend him but he's my only link to Jeff.
Months pass and he calls again. He's single again. I'm 16 now and he's 22. He's an uneducated moron but he's a genius in lying and manipulation sp it doesn't take long before I'm back with him. I go to him determined to have sex with him the best I can so he can fall in love with me. I even tell him he's "big" so he feels good about himself but he gets angry and says "NO ITS NOT!"
Nothing changes. Jeff becomes possessive when I start talking other guys closer my age. 2 of them being 19 and THEY feel perverted because I'm still under 18. Even when I'm dating them I'm "cheating" on them with Jeff. Jeff ends up having relationship with other girls but still has sex with me. I can't let him go. One day he'll love me. I know he will. I wonder if getting purposely pregnant will work. But I don't want to be a disappointment to my father so that idea stops there. I become depressed and constantly think of suicide. What if it's better that way? No, ì can't do that. My dad will blame himself for no reason. I then decide that I will take control. Jeff won't hurt me again. This time IM the one whose going to be leaving him. I tell my sick head that IM using him for sex not the other way around.
Then, the week of my senior year in High School, I meet HIM. His name is Jake. Jake is sexy, a smartass, a gentleman, and I see flashes of our future together. I tell Jeff I don't want to see him anymore. He laughs "You'll be back."
Jake and I start seeing each other but I'm not kind to him and idk why. I'm hot and cold and there I days I purposely don't see him. We have sex. Jake becomes an unbelievable lover. He gives me orgasms I've never felt before. For someone so self conscious he always makes sure I "get off" before he does otherwise he's not "doing his job as a bf."
It doesn't take long for me to fall in love with Jake. However, our 1st year I try to push him away. He can't love me. I'm dirty and used in comparison to him so clean and pristine. I tell him I don't deserve him but he refuses to let me go. He makes love to me each time i tell him this. LOVE! Jeff tries to get back into my life. He even stalks me. I'm able to ignore him and I move away.
I don't deserve Jake. He's perfect. HE should've been my 1st. Despite my happiness and blessings. I can't stop thinking about Jeff every now and then. Not because I miss him but because I can't believe I thought I loved him. Why did I think that?! Why was I so attached to that leech? He's my rapist. God only knows who else he's done this too and I hate myself for not calling the police.
Worst of all, I continued having sex with him and I'm more disgusted by that. I google trying to get answers. I find an article where it says that some people (previous rape victims) do this to gain back some sense of control. The control they lost when they were raped. I know now. I have to forgive my younger self. She was stupid as fuck and if I could go back I'd beat her up until she's too sore to pick up her phone.
10 years later Jake and I are still together. We have been married for 2 years and have a beautiful life together. Now, I'm in bed with him. Listening to his sweet snores as he cuddles one of our children while I'm holding the other. I would've never imagined being here. There are times I cry in silence because I feel that I don't deserve the life I have now.
Jake knows I was raped but not the details behind it. He doesn't want to know and I'm glad. I can't lie to him and I'm too embarrassed to tell him the truth. What if he thinks I'm lying? What if he blames me? I'm petrified. His judgement or perhaps possible misunderstanding makes me fearful that he won't love me anymore idk why.
I write this as a catharsis. For a long time I buried the truth from myself out of shame. But for what? The shame shouldn't be on me because I wore a skirt or because Jeff and I had had other sexual encounters before the rape. The shame should be on him. When he forced me down to him. When he pounced on me when I try to skirm away. When he pinned my arms down so I could stop trying to push him off. And when he proceeded to roughly rape me as I cried and screamed for him to stop, that it was hurting, praying to God to kill me because the sharp pains were unbearable and he's taking too long to end my suffering. Perhaps you think it was my fault and maybe you're right. But I still didn't deserve to be raped and worst of all didn't deserve to trick my own mind into believing I was in love with my rapist.
Hello Reddit, I'm Sasha (27F). This part of my life has been weighing me down for years and I need to get this truly off my chest.
Throwaway and will probably delete. I will start from the very beginning of my life so I can perhaps understand why I made certain decisions. Names will be fake.
Growing up I had been SA'd as a child multiple times. I never told anyone not even my parents out of fear. I remember as a child then being attracted to adult men. On VERY RARE occasions I had few crushes on kids my age.
Perhaps that's the reason the next part of my life happened the way it did. When I was 15, I was friends with a guy named Eddy (16m). Eddy and I became very good friends and we'd occasionally flirt with each other. I liked Eddy but we never advance to anything else.
One day in August, he called me and asked if I'd be interested in talking to a cousin of his, Jeff (21m). I was angry at first because I liked Eddy. I felt like he was giving me the signal that he was no longer interested in me. Out of anger I said "Sure." A response I'd soon regret for the rest of my life.
Jeff calls me and I learn that he's 21 and he has 2 children from 2 different women. I should've seen this as a huuuuge red flag. No, I should've seen his AGE as a red flag but I guess in my own stupid fucked up mind I felt "mature" enough to continue talking to him. He was honest about having kids so it cant be that bad right? I admit, I did lie and said I was 17 years old at but about 2 weeks later Eddy tells him my true age. Yeah, that didn't stop Jeff from calling me everyday after school. He also finds out I'm a virgin and makes jokes about me being lame.
Jeff and I would talk for HOURS. Sometimes about hobbies, same interests. Etc. Sometimes he wouldn't say anything and just refuse to hang up while I'd watch TV. I didn't think anything weird about it just annoyed every now and then. Then one day we send pictures of each other. I admit, I didn't find him that attractive. But, he found me "pretty." Somehow, it led to us sexting. That night he called me masterbating so I could hear him. It was weird at first but then the thought that I put him in that position excited me.
We agreed to see each other a few weeks later. I lived with my single dad at the time. I snuck out for the first time. It was about midnight since I waited for everyone in the house to be asleep. Jeff picked me up in his 1987 Cadillac. When I get inside he looked like his picture.
Jeff was acting strange tho. He drove a few blocks down since he lived about 5 minutes away from me. I met his best friend. Being in that car was weird. He wasn't saying much just repeated "Damn, uhmm." He acted bored and disinterested and I started to regret my decision meeting him. He asked randomly if he could kiss me and I agreed. I was nervous because I had never kissed a mustache before. It was okay, but he would bite my lips hard. Hard enough that they bruised next day. Eventually we get out of the car and continue kissing standing up. He starts touching me and it freaked me out a bit but it felt... good. I was wearing a black ruffle skirt and black shirt. I have never had a sexual experience before this encounter (not including being SA'd nor making out with Eddy). He easily accessed my underwear and I hate to admit I let him touch me. Again it felt good. After nearly 2 hours together he takes me home.
When I get home I am feeling a range of emotions. I'm happy, excited, but then... ashamed. How could I have let that happen? It was my 1st time meeting him and I let him touch me? This was not the 1st encounter I had in mind. I hate myself for letting him do that. However, I want it to happen again.
Weeks pass by, we continue talking and I think I love him. Each time I see a call or text from him my stomach flutters. I have wild sexual fantasies about him. No one else can understand what I feel not even my friends because they only date guys our age not someone as mature as Jeff.
I start to sneak out every Friday or Saturday night to see him. Meanwhile my poor father is passed out on his bed from exhaustion due to working 12 hour shifts to support our family. Jeff and I continue performing sexual acts on each other fully clothed with the exception of full on sex. I regularly wear skirts for easy access for him to put his hands on me and for fast coverage in case someone drives or walks by.
Then one night he calls me. He seems serious in a way (i later find out it's because he got into an argument with babymama #2). When he picks me up he drives to to a different location. We start making out as per usual in his car. I end up straddling him. To my fucking horror he takes his dick out and shovels it inside me. It's excruciatingly painful because 1) I still have my underwear on 2) I'm a virgin. I tell him "Wait, Jeff, stop!" Feeling the wedgie of my underwear I stupidly pull it to the side for relief since it was somewhat inside as I'm trying to lift myself off. He holds onto me and pushes me down. I can still remember the sharp pains feeling like a knife was inside me. I'm telling him "No wait! Stop! Ow!" I can't fucking think straight. I'm able to push myself off and land on my belly since the leather seats have no space in between. As I'm trying to get the fuck away he immediately pounces and continues his assault. I'm screaming yelling, telling him to stop, and he doesn't. A car passing by loses his focus and stops. He tells me we're going to get caught and drives off. I'm so shell-shocked I can't even gather my words as I'm more focused on the pain between my legs. My head is screaming at me to get the fuck out and run but I'm terrified at this point. My body is still and my legs feel like jelly. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of what he might do if I tell him i dont want to do this. He drives to his house and he takes me to an abandoned house next to his. He proceeds his assault. My screams echo throughout the empty house as I'm praying for it to be over. Yelling for him to "Please stop! Jeff Wait! Ow! Ow! Ow!" I don't know how long I was there but it feels like hours. I'm crying and I want to die. He finally finishes and I just want to go home.
When he drops me off. I sneak into my room and everything seems different. I walk to my bathroom dragging my feet. I get in the shower where I stay there for nearly 2 hours scrubbing myself trying to scrub off the "filth" on my body and replaying the SA in my head. I sit down my bathtub as the warm water soothes my privates but it's not enough. This was not how I was supposed to lose my virginity. I was supposed to lose my virginity on my wedding night to the love of my life as my favorite song played in the background. My mind is battling itself from "Omg, I'm not a virgin anymore. I told him to stop. But why did I wear a skirt? I shouldn't have led him on. I'm stupid. I'm a stupid slut. He raped me. No, he didn't. Yes he did. No, no you've had oral with him. But I never told him I wanted to have sex. But you put your underwear to the side. For relief for the pain he was causing me not for him to continue raping me. STOP SAYING IT WAS RAPE! Why didn't I tell him to take me home? BECAUSE HES A GANG BANGER WITH A TEMPER. Omg I was raped. STOP! STOP SAYING YOU WERE RAPED!"
Hours later I go to church with my dad. I feel like everyone knows I'm a whore and I'm still battling the same conversation in my head. I take multiple showers throughout the day and I tell my dad it's because my period cramps are hurting my back. Jeff calls me as I'd nothing happened. I break the ice, "You know what happened...... I didn't want THAT to happen." He gets defensive and annoyed "What? You're saying I raped you? Man don't start that shit. You know what you were doing wearing that skirt. I just don't know why you were being so loud." I remind him "I was being loud because I was a virgin remember?!" His response? "Oh." We continue talking and in my head I see us getting married and me becoming a stepmother of his 2 children at the age of 15 years old.
For the next few months we continue having sex and it still hurts. Then one day he ghosts me. I get the number from Eddy and when I call Jeff he's annoyed. He says "You and I were nothing. We weren't even together. I'm with (babymama #2) now." I'm devastated and for nearly a week I can't sleep. The love of my life is gone. I go to Eddy for comfort where he tells me "I shouldn't have introduced you to him." I ask him why he did it and his next response pisses me off. "I was testing you. I wanted to see how much you liked me and when you agreed to talk to him in my book you failed the test." I look at him with eyes of betrayal. I want to punch him and unfriend him but he's my only link to Jeff.
Months pass and he calls again. He's single again. I'm 16 now and he's 22. He's an uneducated moron but he's a genius in lying and manipulation sp it doesn't take long before I'm back with him. I go to him determined to have sex with him the best I can so he can fall in love with me. I even tell him he's "big" so he feels good about himself but he gets angry and says "NO ITS NOT!"
Nothing changes. Jeff becomes possessive when I start talking other guys closer my age. 2 of them being 19 and THEY feel perverted because I'm still under 18. Even when I'm dating them I'm "cheating" on them with Jeff. Jeff ends up having relationship with other girls but still has sex with me. I can't let him go. One day he'll love me. I know he will. I wonder if getting purposely pregnant will work. But I don't want to be a disappointment to my father so that idea stops there. I become depressed and constantly think of suicide. What if it's better that way? No, ì can't do that. My dad will blame himself for no reason. I then decide that I will take control. Jeff won't hurt me again. This time IM the one whose going to be leaving him. I tell my sick head that IM using him for sex not the other way around.
Then, the week of my senior year in High School, I meet HIM. His name is Jake. Jake is sexy, a smartass, a gentleman, and I see flashes of our future together. I tell Jeff I don't want to see him anymore. He laughs "You'll be back."
Jake and I start seeing each other but I'm not kind to him and idk why. I'm hot and cold and there I days I purposely don't see him. We have sex. Jake becomes an unbelievable lover. He gives me orgasms I've never felt before. For someone so self conscious he always makes sure I "get off" before he does otherwise he's not "doing his job as a bf."
It doesn't take long for me to fall in love with Jake. However, our 1st year I try to push him away. He can't love me. I'm dirty and used in comparison to him so clean and pristine. I tell him I don't deserve him but he refuses to let me go. He makes love to me each time i tell him this. LOVE! Jeff tries to get back into my life. He even stalks me. I'm able to ignore him and I move away.
I don't deserve Jake. He's perfect. HE should've been my 1st. Despite my happiness and blessings. I can't stop thinking about Jeff every now and then. Not because I miss him but because I can't believe I thought I loved him. Why did I think that?! Why was I so attached to that leech? He's my rapist. God only knows who else he's done this too and I hate myself for not calling the police.
Worst of all, I continued having sex with him and I'm more disgusted by that. I google trying to get answers. I find an article where it says that some people (previous rape victims) do this to gain back some sense of control. The control they lost when they were raped. I know now. I have to forgive my younger self. She was stupid as fuck and if I could go back I'd beat her up until she's too sore to pick up her phone.
10 years later Jake and I are still together. We have been married for 2 years and have a beautiful life together. Now, I'm in bed with him. Listening to his sweet snores as he cuddles one of our children while I'm holding the other. I would've never imagined being here. There are times I cry in silence because I feel that I don't deserve the life I have now.
Jake knows I was raped but not the details behind it. He doesn't want to know and I'm glad. I can't lie to him and I'm too embarrassed to tell him the truth. What if he thinks I'm lying? What if he blames me? I'm petrified. His judgement or perhaps possible misunderstanding makes me fearful that he won't love me anymore idk why.
I write this as a catharsis. For a long time I buried the truth from myself out of shame. But for what? The shame shouldn't be on me because I wore a skirt or because Jeff and I had had other sexual encounters before the rape. The shame should be on him. When he forced me down to him. When he pounced on me when I try to skirm away. When he pinned my arms down so I could stop trying to push him off. And when he proceeded to roughly rape me as I cried and screamed for him to stop, that it was hurting, praying to God to kill me because the sharp pains were unbearable and he's taking too long to end my suffering. Perhaps you think it was my fault and maybe you're right. But I still didn't deserve to be raped and worst of all didn't deserve to trick my own mind into believing I was in love with my rapist.
