BigJimsWornOutTires
Fire
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Last week, I went hiking into the dark woods. At the time, I was investigating illegal marijuana crops. Not that anyone hired me or implied that there would be any; I assumed there might be. Also, as a bonus for bizarre exploration, I was searching for wrecked alien spacecraft. Not that anyone said a UFO had crashed into the dark woods; I assumed maybe no one saw one go down.
After I suited up to become one with nature, I ran into the darkness at super lightning autistic speed. Thirty minutes into the trek, now walking and heavily breathing while struggling drags of tobacco into my lungs, I came across a cluster of shit. At first, I thought black people were in the area. But after picking up a turd and closely examining it with my extraordinary nose, I made an educated guess that it was lesbians shitting in the dark woods. Perhaps, a serial killer lost his emotional support trophies.
While I pondered this clusterfuck, a noise disturbed me. Rubbing the man hating shit out of my eyes, I focused and saw a huge black bear a football field away. Its massive size was equivalent to a push lawnmower. Then three more smaller clones manifested. They were headed for me! I realized I was being hunted by nature. Quickly, I climbed a tree. Observing the bears pretending that they didn't see me, they left the area. Ah, yes, I knew I was being set up... by nature! A nature trap.
As the night turned to day and days turned to nights, I patiently waited in the tree. I survived on squirrel babies and bald eagle eggs. Finally, five moons later, I climbed down and ran for my life. And I ran as fast as a college student would during a mass shooting. As I gathered the present events from the collective I siphon, hikers approached. It was two odd-looking women. The scrawny brown-haired yelled, "I'm calling the cops!" The chubby one just stared. I tried to ignore them as I passed, but the weirdo on the phone said, "He's trying to rape us." I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Ugh, you nasty, ugly motherfuckers, an escaped inmate wouldn't fuck either of you." And I was correct. The skinny one reminded me of a worn-out 34-year-old roastie. The food pervert resembled a Dolly Parton curry in her late twenties.
"Then why are you naked?" Big stomach asked.
"I'm one with nature," I said to her belly as I adjusted my penis. "I was stuck in a tree for four days and five nights because of a pack of wild bears hunting me."
"Aren't all bears wild?" The phone skank sarcastically remarked.
"Aren't all dykes ugly, like you two?" I volleyed with a slam dunk, end of story.
"You're retarded," Fatty injected.
"Your mama," boom, second slam dunk.
The rat-haired vagina shook her head to her chubby buddy. She sighed. Then she said with a regretful tone, "Still no signal." Big Ass stepped to her and gestured secrecy. They mumbled to one another as heebie-jeebies taunted me to let them inside.
"Do you know how to get to the parking lot?" Rat Snatch asked.
"Maybe."
"People are looking for us," Burnt Dolly said.
While gawking at my pecs, the hideous brunette assumed, "Probably no one's looking for you."
"We've been lost in these dark woods for close to a week."
I questioned Ratty with creepy energy, "Did you eat strawberry cake with whipped cream topping and a sprinkle of pecan?"
Both of their eyes widened.
"That's what I ate the night before we got lost. How did you know?"
"My nose knows it's shit."
Perplexed, Fatty accused me of stalking them prior to the dark woods and added, "How else would you know that? What did I eat?"
"I didn't pick up your turd and smear it on my face."
"He's a creep, let's go," Rat Snatch misinformed her pussy licker.
"Three is better than two." After she said that, I wink at the readers and smirk like a Reddit.
"Will you help us get to the parking lot?"
"I will under one condition."
"We're listening," Buffet Terrorist said to my penis.
"If you two become one with nature, I'll lead the way."
"Done," she said and removed her shirt.
"Okey dokey, smokey," rat sore blurted and removed hers, then her shorts and male underwear. Her ass eater matched her.
"Ah, yes, now we are one with nature," I said to their titties. Though I expected to see scars under Ratty's nipples, she kept her tits. Good for her.
Together, we left and found the parking lot ten minutes later. With my arms open for a friendly goodbye, there was silence and cringes.
And here I am, back on this cesspool of retardation. I am a survivor, dammit.
After I suited up to become one with nature, I ran into the darkness at super lightning autistic speed. Thirty minutes into the trek, now walking and heavily breathing while struggling drags of tobacco into my lungs, I came across a cluster of shit. At first, I thought black people were in the area. But after picking up a turd and closely examining it with my extraordinary nose, I made an educated guess that it was lesbians shitting in the dark woods. Perhaps, a serial killer lost his emotional support trophies.
While I pondered this clusterfuck, a noise disturbed me. Rubbing the man hating shit out of my eyes, I focused and saw a huge black bear a football field away. Its massive size was equivalent to a push lawnmower. Then three more smaller clones manifested. They were headed for me! I realized I was being hunted by nature. Quickly, I climbed a tree. Observing the bears pretending that they didn't see me, they left the area. Ah, yes, I knew I was being set up... by nature! A nature trap.
As the night turned to day and days turned to nights, I patiently waited in the tree. I survived on squirrel babies and bald eagle eggs. Finally, five moons later, I climbed down and ran for my life. And I ran as fast as a college student would during a mass shooting. As I gathered the present events from the collective I siphon, hikers approached. It was two odd-looking women. The scrawny brown-haired yelled, "I'm calling the cops!" The chubby one just stared. I tried to ignore them as I passed, but the weirdo on the phone said, "He's trying to rape us." I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Ugh, you nasty, ugly motherfuckers, an escaped inmate wouldn't fuck either of you." And I was correct. The skinny one reminded me of a worn-out 34-year-old roastie. The food pervert resembled a Dolly Parton curry in her late twenties.
"Then why are you naked?" Big stomach asked.
"I'm one with nature," I said to her belly as I adjusted my penis. "I was stuck in a tree for four days and five nights because of a pack of wild bears hunting me."
"Aren't all bears wild?" The phone skank sarcastically remarked.
"Aren't all dykes ugly, like you two?" I volleyed with a slam dunk, end of story.
"You're retarded," Fatty injected.
"Your mama," boom, second slam dunk.
The rat-haired vagina shook her head to her chubby buddy. She sighed. Then she said with a regretful tone, "Still no signal." Big Ass stepped to her and gestured secrecy. They mumbled to one another as heebie-jeebies taunted me to let them inside.
"Do you know how to get to the parking lot?" Rat Snatch asked.
"Maybe."
"People are looking for us," Burnt Dolly said.
While gawking at my pecs, the hideous brunette assumed, "Probably no one's looking for you."
"We've been lost in these dark woods for close to a week."
I questioned Ratty with creepy energy, "Did you eat strawberry cake with whipped cream topping and a sprinkle of pecan?"
Both of their eyes widened.
"That's what I ate the night before we got lost. How did you know?"
"My nose knows it's shit."
Perplexed, Fatty accused me of stalking them prior to the dark woods and added, "How else would you know that? What did I eat?"
"I didn't pick up your turd and smear it on my face."
"He's a creep, let's go," Rat Snatch misinformed her pussy licker.
"Three is better than two." After she said that, I wink at the readers and smirk like a Reddit.
"Will you help us get to the parking lot?"
"I will under one condition."
"We're listening," Buffet Terrorist said to my penis.
"If you two become one with nature, I'll lead the way."
"Done," she said and removed her shirt.
"Okey dokey, smokey," rat sore blurted and removed hers, then her shorts and male underwear. Her ass eater matched her.
"Ah, yes, now we are one with nature," I said to their titties. Though I expected to see scars under Ratty's nipples, she kept her tits. Good for her.
Together, we left and found the parking lot ten minutes later. With my arms open for a friendly goodbye, there was silence and cringes.
And here I am, back on this cesspool of retardation. I am a survivor, dammit.
