Jiaxi
Zephir
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- Nov 13, 2024
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This one is a bit of a long and strong one but I’ll post a TLDR at the end.
preface: im starting to realize im genuinely just a shitty person who is just emotional and jealous all the time. I have a god complex which leads me to find nothing I do to other people wrong and I will naively fuck myself over without realizing I did something immoral, especially with girls. This doesn’t come from a lack of intelligence because I understand it’s wrong I just don't care in the moment, and I’ve started to not really care about women especially the ones my age.
Story: My gf and I messed around a little my freshman year and I was held to an ultimatum, date or break up. I dated her then immediately broke up realizing I didn’t want a commitment to her since we didnt get along that well. Later on we did back together the end of my junior year. After we had messed around she went around telling everyone I sexually assaulted her. Which lead to rape allegations and by my sophomore year the whole school knew. Im a senior now and the allegations have just racked up every year from different girls. I swear to god I must have at least 5 while only having one body.
When we broke up the first time my freshman year I became a redpill meat rider and just immersed myself in stupid Andrew Tate rhetoric. Not that I was watching him but I had a similar outlook on the world along with all the David Goggins speeches. I listened to XXX tentacion, was just a fucking loser for most of the year and became really immersed on controversial groups. By the end of freshman year I thought the only thing that mattered was my personality and that if I said the right things I would attract women.
Boy was this not true, because of the guy she talked to after me…
He’s Tall white HTN definitely mogs me to oblivion and nt mogs me to all hell. The guy has probably talked to and hooked up with over 30 girls and at the time I had broken up with her and was focusing on myself and being a complete retard. He was snapping her everyday and texting her after school. Instead of doing any Looksmaxing I was just fucking running and taking cold showers and lifting but not eating enough that I become malnourished. I went to school an ugly malnourished fuck while he talked to her, walked her to class and laughed in the halls with her. She thinks I don’t ever remember they talked but deep down, in my natural primal instinct I will always hate her for it.
I started dating a sophomore mid HTB girl as a junior and took things pretty far with her before breaking up and dating a high HTB until the summer.
I guess everyone thought it was best to keep the situation with Chad and my Ex a secret from me. But it didn't make a difference.
I tend to have a really bad temper about this kind of thing and can be very confrontational which could have lead to a fight or me doing something stupid.
The day I found out was during practice, I was nauseous the whole day and became so angry I couldn’t even speak. I was furious because nobody had told me and I was racked with a feeling of dishonor and humiliation. She had truly dated up.. and it was someone I respected had to acknowledge is just better than me in every way. I went home that night and cried constantly, I still cry all the time. Now days I can’t bring myself to get up and look in the mirror and not see a sub 5 loser staring back at me.
Seeing her at school I would just start seething and have to go calm down in the bathroom. I wanted to kill her I was so angry, how could she.
Present Day: the allegations were never taken back and still live in infamy at other schools, girls fucking nicknamed me the “head pusher.” I was a pretty great boyfriend to the two other girls I dated, and even after they both hate me. I was both of their firsts which might have something to do with it.
Before I went out with my girlfriend I went through her calls and saw some from him, my vision got so blurry with tears when I found the texts I could hardly stand, and had to lay down on her bed.
That’s what I thought at least, I got so sick I couldn’t stand and just layed down, she tried to comfort me thinking it was something else but it doesn’t matter. I don’t ever show emotion around her or any girl anymore, they just weaponize it against me. I don’t know why but it just will never matter, I will always hate her. I still grow more and more angry as I type this thinking about all the guys she must have talked to and never told me. I feel stuck knowing if we break up Im never finding anyone like her again, or ever meeting someone I shared so much life with.
To cope with my issues I text other girls but that just makes me feel like a complete hypocrite because Im basically cheating out of anger. Im not in the right when I do this and the girls I texted came up to me the other day in the halls to talk at my locker. My gf saw got upset and I had to explain that I don't even like her I just have her in class. The other girl feels to guilty to keep talking and her chad guy friends got mad at her for talking to me so I just cut contact.
I leave for Costa Rica in a week and will probably make a decision before then, I have probably developed some mental issues when my best friend died and just don't find enjoyment in any of this anymore.
TLDR: Girlfriend talked to chad when we weren’t dating now were back together and it still haunts me, I leave on a trip soon and want to make a decision on breaking up. Im beginning to realize I probably have a condition or need medication for my emotions. Because I can’t immerse myself in a natural society, I need a way to cope with this shitty modernized one, Medications or Ascension, there is no other way.
preface: im starting to realize im genuinely just a shitty person who is just emotional and jealous all the time. I have a god complex which leads me to find nothing I do to other people wrong and I will naively fuck myself over without realizing I did something immoral, especially with girls. This doesn’t come from a lack of intelligence because I understand it’s wrong I just don't care in the moment, and I’ve started to not really care about women especially the ones my age.
Story: My gf and I messed around a little my freshman year and I was held to an ultimatum, date or break up. I dated her then immediately broke up realizing I didn’t want a commitment to her since we didnt get along that well. Later on we did back together the end of my junior year. After we had messed around she went around telling everyone I sexually assaulted her. Which lead to rape allegations and by my sophomore year the whole school knew. Im a senior now and the allegations have just racked up every year from different girls. I swear to god I must have at least 5 while only having one body.
When we broke up the first time my freshman year I became a redpill meat rider and just immersed myself in stupid Andrew Tate rhetoric. Not that I was watching him but I had a similar outlook on the world along with all the David Goggins speeches. I listened to XXX tentacion, was just a fucking loser for most of the year and became really immersed on controversial groups. By the end of freshman year I thought the only thing that mattered was my personality and that if I said the right things I would attract women.
Boy was this not true, because of the guy she talked to after me…
He’s Tall white HTN definitely mogs me to oblivion and nt mogs me to all hell. The guy has probably talked to and hooked up with over 30 girls and at the time I had broken up with her and was focusing on myself and being a complete retard. He was snapping her everyday and texting her after school. Instead of doing any Looksmaxing I was just fucking running and taking cold showers and lifting but not eating enough that I become malnourished. I went to school an ugly malnourished fuck while he talked to her, walked her to class and laughed in the halls with her. She thinks I don’t ever remember they talked but deep down, in my natural primal instinct I will always hate her for it.
I started dating a sophomore mid HTB girl as a junior and took things pretty far with her before breaking up and dating a high HTB until the summer.
I guess everyone thought it was best to keep the situation with Chad and my Ex a secret from me. But it didn't make a difference.
I tend to have a really bad temper about this kind of thing and can be very confrontational which could have lead to a fight or me doing something stupid.
The day I found out was during practice, I was nauseous the whole day and became so angry I couldn’t even speak. I was furious because nobody had told me and I was racked with a feeling of dishonor and humiliation. She had truly dated up.. and it was someone I respected had to acknowledge is just better than me in every way. I went home that night and cried constantly, I still cry all the time. Now days I can’t bring myself to get up and look in the mirror and not see a sub 5 loser staring back at me.
Seeing her at school I would just start seething and have to go calm down in the bathroom. I wanted to kill her I was so angry, how could she.
Present Day: the allegations were never taken back and still live in infamy at other schools, girls fucking nicknamed me the “head pusher.” I was a pretty great boyfriend to the two other girls I dated, and even after they both hate me. I was both of their firsts which might have something to do with it.
Before I went out with my girlfriend I went through her calls and saw some from him, my vision got so blurry with tears when I found the texts I could hardly stand, and had to lay down on her bed.
That’s what I thought at least, I got so sick I couldn’t stand and just layed down, she tried to comfort me thinking it was something else but it doesn’t matter. I don’t ever show emotion around her or any girl anymore, they just weaponize it against me. I don’t know why but it just will never matter, I will always hate her. I still grow more and more angry as I type this thinking about all the guys she must have talked to and never told me. I feel stuck knowing if we break up Im never finding anyone like her again, or ever meeting someone I shared so much life with.
To cope with my issues I text other girls but that just makes me feel like a complete hypocrite because Im basically cheating out of anger. Im not in the right when I do this and the girls I texted came up to me the other day in the halls to talk at my locker. My gf saw got upset and I had to explain that I don't even like her I just have her in class. The other girl feels to guilty to keep talking and her chad guy friends got mad at her for talking to me so I just cut contact.
I leave for Costa Rica in a week and will probably make a decision before then, I have probably developed some mental issues when my best friend died and just don't find enjoyment in any of this anymore.
TLDR: Girlfriend talked to chad when we weren’t dating now were back together and it still haunts me, I leave on a trip soon and want to make a decision on breaking up. Im beginning to realize I probably have a condition or need medication for my emotions. Because I can’t immerse myself in a natural society, I need a way to cope with this shitty modernized one, Medications or Ascension, there is no other way.
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