ElySioNs
Mercenary
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2021
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I just need to write this down somewhere. Not looking for help or validation, I really just need to "get this off my chest".
I (35 M) have been together with my fiancé (29 F), let's call her Anna (fake name), for a bit over four years, and last X-mas I popped the question, and she happily accepted. Life with her was a bliss so far and especially after we got engaged.
I've had a lot of cheating in my past relationships. Yes, I am in therapy because of that and it has gotten better. Nevertheless, Anna meeting up with guy friends is an issue for me. Anna knows this and has known this from the very beginning of our relationship, and she has been accomodating this. She has no problem making sure she only meets male friends when one of her female friends is around, or in a public setting or so, so that I don't need to worry. Actually, she has been a lot more understanding than anyone could ever imagine. I really thought I hit jackpot. I also promised to work on my issues in therapy, because she never did anything to not deserve my trust, so it is not fair to put her through this, but she said she was happy to support me like this. And it has gotten a lot better, I have held up that promise and went to therapy and all.
Since Anna is heterosexual, I of course never had any issues with her meeting women friends. Which leads to her friend Nathalie (28 NB). Nathalie identifies as a non-binary woman, whatever that means. What I did not know until yesterday is that Nathalie is an MTF trans-person, and they (that's the pronoun Nathalie prefers) are biologically still male. Very much male, it seems. From what I understand now, they have not yet started any kind of transition (not like they are required to in any way).
Well, to cut a long story short, yesterday Anna was out with Nathalie for some girls' time together as usual, and when she got home at night, she was pretty much wasted (not a problem because she is off work today). I helped her undress and climb into bed, and only after that I saw a notification popping up on her cell. It was from Nathalie, titled "our video". I am ashamed to say that curiosity got the best of me and I unlocked her phone (we have open phone policy, but I haven't checked her phone in two years) and saw, well... an X-rated video of Nathalie doing Anna . And they way they talked, and especially obout me, was equally as devastating as the mere fact that Anna was cheating on me.
Something inside me broke that instant.
I was actually starting to feel good about my life and was hoping to overcome my distrust regarding Anna's male friends. And now, even a perceivedly "female" friend (I am trying to be respectful to Natahlie's transgender identity, even though I do not think they deserve respect in any way) turned out to be... well, a risk? A danger? I don't know what to call it.
Anna is still all out, sleeping, so I haven't talked to her. I'm thinking about just grabbing some stuff and leaving. As I said, I don't want any advice.
I frankly don't know if I am gonna survive this with any kind of self-respect intact.
P.S. I absolutely know that this sounds fake. Hell, I wish it was, I really do. Please feel free to not believe me. I wouldn't believe it myself had I not seen that video.
Update:
First, thanks for all your comments! I try to read all of them and reply.
Second, we have had a first talk. I woke her up gently, and when she realized I was there, I asked her to open up Natahlie's message and explain it to me. She was irritated and grabbed her phone. And when she realized what the video was, she started the usual "It's not what it seems" and "I can explain it" stuff. I suddenly felt like throttling her, so I scfremed something and left the room. She came after me after a couple of seconds, and she stammered about as garbled as I am thinking right now. She said that she was sorry and that I am not suppoed to find out. No shit, really, I am not supposed to find out about cheating? I also told her how hurtful the things were that she said in that video, and she said that she was drunk and that Nathalie likes to do some power-dynamic stuff. And then she bit her tongue realizing what she just admitted. Sop looks like this has been going on for some time. When I asked why she just shrugged.
I told her to pack her things, and she packed a duffel bag of stuff and left to go to a friend of hers.
I'm a mess.
I'll try to meet up with a friend today to stop spiraling...
Additional Edit: Holy f*, people... thanks for all your empathic comments! It is very much appreciated! I try to read them all, but since I also got some work to do, I'm only replying here and there. Please don't hate me for this, it's... just a bit too much right now...
Update 2:
Not much of an update. I messaged Anna and requested to meet her tomorrow, and she replied very civl and we'll meet in the afternoon in a café (so in the public). I'll try to get a friend on standby in the vicinity...
Update 3: I made an actual new post for an update on how the meeting went, in case anyone is still interested. Since linking is not allowed in this subreddit, I cannot provide a link, though.
Note: I had already posted this in this subreddit yesterday, but it appears that mentioning the name of the subreddit in an edit for the update I made was turned into an auto-link which triggered a bot removal - sorry for that, I had no idea. A moderator was so kind to let me know about that possibility and suggested I try posting this again. I am also sorry that that way I could not reply to all comments.
I (35 M) have been together with my fiancé (29 F), let's call her Anna (fake name), for a bit over four years, and last X-mas I popped the question, and she happily accepted. Life with her was a bliss so far and especially after we got engaged.
I've had a lot of cheating in my past relationships. Yes, I am in therapy because of that and it has gotten better. Nevertheless, Anna meeting up with guy friends is an issue for me. Anna knows this and has known this from the very beginning of our relationship, and she has been accomodating this. She has no problem making sure she only meets male friends when one of her female friends is around, or in a public setting or so, so that I don't need to worry. Actually, she has been a lot more understanding than anyone could ever imagine. I really thought I hit jackpot. I also promised to work on my issues in therapy, because she never did anything to not deserve my trust, so it is not fair to put her through this, but she said she was happy to support me like this. And it has gotten a lot better, I have held up that promise and went to therapy and all.
Since Anna is heterosexual, I of course never had any issues with her meeting women friends. Which leads to her friend Nathalie (28 NB). Nathalie identifies as a non-binary woman, whatever that means. What I did not know until yesterday is that Nathalie is an MTF trans-person, and they (that's the pronoun Nathalie prefers) are biologically still male. Very much male, it seems. From what I understand now, they have not yet started any kind of transition (not like they are required to in any way).
Well, to cut a long story short, yesterday Anna was out with Nathalie for some girls' time together as usual, and when she got home at night, she was pretty much wasted (not a problem because she is off work today). I helped her undress and climb into bed, and only after that I saw a notification popping up on her cell. It was from Nathalie, titled "our video". I am ashamed to say that curiosity got the best of me and I unlocked her phone (we have open phone policy, but I haven't checked her phone in two years) and saw, well... an X-rated video of Nathalie doing Anna . And they way they talked, and especially obout me, was equally as devastating as the mere fact that Anna was cheating on me.
Something inside me broke that instant.
I was actually starting to feel good about my life and was hoping to overcome my distrust regarding Anna's male friends. And now, even a perceivedly "female" friend (I am trying to be respectful to Natahlie's transgender identity, even though I do not think they deserve respect in any way) turned out to be... well, a risk? A danger? I don't know what to call it.
Anna is still all out, sleeping, so I haven't talked to her. I'm thinking about just grabbing some stuff and leaving. As I said, I don't want any advice.
I frankly don't know if I am gonna survive this with any kind of self-respect intact.
P.S. I absolutely know that this sounds fake. Hell, I wish it was, I really do. Please feel free to not believe me. I wouldn't believe it myself had I not seen that video.
Update:
First, thanks for all your comments! I try to read all of them and reply.
Second, we have had a first talk. I woke her up gently, and when she realized I was there, I asked her to open up Natahlie's message and explain it to me. She was irritated and grabbed her phone. And when she realized what the video was, she started the usual "It's not what it seems" and "I can explain it" stuff. I suddenly felt like throttling her, so I scfremed something and left the room. She came after me after a couple of seconds, and she stammered about as garbled as I am thinking right now. She said that she was sorry and that I am not suppoed to find out. No shit, really, I am not supposed to find out about cheating? I also told her how hurtful the things were that she said in that video, and she said that she was drunk and that Nathalie likes to do some power-dynamic stuff. And then she bit her tongue realizing what she just admitted. Sop looks like this has been going on for some time. When I asked why she just shrugged.
I told her to pack her things, and she packed a duffel bag of stuff and left to go to a friend of hers.
I'm a mess.
I'll try to meet up with a friend today to stop spiraling...
Additional Edit: Holy f*, people... thanks for all your empathic comments! It is very much appreciated! I try to read them all, but since I also got some work to do, I'm only replying here and there. Please don't hate me for this, it's... just a bit too much right now...
Update 2:
Not much of an update. I messaged Anna and requested to meet her tomorrow, and she replied very civl and we'll meet in the afternoon in a café (so in the public). I'll try to get a friend on standby in the vicinity...
Update 3: I made an actual new post for an update on how the meeting went, in case anyone is still interested. Since linking is not allowed in this subreddit, I cannot provide a link, though.
Note: I had already posted this in this subreddit yesterday, but it appears that mentioning the name of the subreddit in an edit for the update I made was turned into an auto-link which triggered a bot removal - sorry for that, I had no idea. A moderator was so kind to let me know about that possibility and suggested I try posting this again. I am also sorry that that way I could not reply to all comments.
I been posting this shit since 2021
