I killed my husband

[Vermilioncore]

We had been together for 23 years, since we met at college. We had our dream jobs, a nice house in the suburb and to top it all a beautiful daughter. Then everything crumbled three years ago, when he was diagnosed with scleroderma. At that time our daughter was two, and he loved playing with her everyday after work. At first he complained of some pains in the joints, nothing serious we thought. Then he had a hard time walking far distances, and before we knew it he couldn't walk at all. He was diagnosed with scleroderma soon after, and according to the doctors he was the 1 in a million case in which the disease progressed so rapidly that death was certain. In a matter of months I saw my loving husband and the best man in the world turn into a ghost of himself. He couldn't talk properly or breath autonomously, he was trapped in his body. He only communicated by blinking. Three months ago he nearly died of a heart attack, and since then he decided that he didn't want to die in the hospital, but receive cures at home. The doctors were contrary, but he was unmovable. Once we were alone he looked at me, and for a brief moment a I saw the eyes with which I fell in love 23 years ago. He asked me not to intervene if he had another heart attack. I was shocked, he had always been a fighter and I couldn't believe that he gave up. I quickly dismissed it, and only the idea was repulsive to think about. But yesterday, I didn't think about it. While I watched my husband heartbeat flatten, I didn't get up to call 911. I just stayed there, looking at the only man I ever loved go away. And for how much I try to convince myself that I did it for him, I can't help to admit that I did it more for myself. Spending the last years caring exclusively for my husband was exhausting. I had to have our daughter live with my mom because I couldn't take care of her. I left my job and all I had for this. I loved and I still love my husband, but I decided my selfishness had the priority. How could I ever look at my daughter's face, knowing that I killed her father? How could I ever look in the mirror knowing that I am looking at a murderer? I don't want sympathy o kind words, I don't deserve them. What I did was unforgivable, from every standpoint. But I will apologize personally soon

 

[looksmaxxed]

You did not kill your husband. Scleroderma did. The 'life' he was living, was not a life. He could not communicate easily, feel the sunshine on his face, go to the bathroom by himself, enjoy his daughters company, walk, feel a breeze, or appreciate a rain or snowstorm. That was not life, it was existing. If it weren't for medical interventions, he would have already been gone.
No one wants to see those we love suffering. And he was suffering. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have asked you to let him go. Perhaps you feel like you did it for yourself. Perhaps you did it for yourself TOO. But you also did it for this person you have loved for 23 years. You were strong for him, and followed his wishes.
Nothing you could have said or done would have changed the outcome, it would have only prolonged your misery, and his. You set him free. There is nothing, ZERO, to 'forgive'. You can look at your daughters face, knowing you helped her father walk those last steps together. You can honor his memory, by keeping him alive to your daughter, with stories and memories, photos, videos. You are all in my thoughts today <3

This this this.
You did not kill him. You honored his DNR wishes. Please speak to someone who can help you work through your grief and guilt.

Exactly. He specifically wished to not be resuscitated, and she respected his wish. It would be an unkindness to make someone keep existing in that state. In these cases the best thing one can do is to free the person of their suffering.

So this. I cannot stress the importance of seeking independant counciling. It REALLY helps to hear the truth from someone face-to-face who is not invested in the situation and can give you their honest opinion.
I cannot imagine what you, your daughter & husband have endured the last few years, but this IS what he wanted, hopefully, once you've had a few days, you'll realise this too. You did nothing apart from honouring his wishes of letting nature take its course. For me, it is about quality of life, I sincerely hope that I can similarly count on my partner to know (as you did) when it is time to let me go. Sincerely thank you for being able to do this.
You are an amazing partner, you are grieving for the loss of your partner, as well as, I am sure, supporting your daughter. Try to give yourself a bit of a break here. You have done nothing wrong.
My sincere best wishes & love to you.

You let him die with dignity. He didn't want that life. He didn't want to not be able to run it walk it feed himself. He didn't want to suffer any longer.
Many people insist on keeping their loved ones tied to tubes and machinery, in constant pain unable to pain and unable to live life. If we euthanize dogs to avoid their suffering, why not make it happen for humans who ask for it explicitly?
You're not a bad person. You let him rest.

You are allowed to feel guilty, you're allowed to feel relieved, you're allowed to feel that you were selfish. You were not selfish, you did not kill your husband, his heart failed.
I know you don't want to hear this but I think you need to, you did exactly as your husband asked and in doing so you spared him any further suffering. A selfish woman would have demanded he stay in hospital so she could carry on with her life without the extra exhausting work of being a full time carer.
Please forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong.