Rabbi
Tel Aviv, Israel
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2020
- Posts
- 25,811
- Reputation
- 72,785
My wife and i were together for 18 years, ten of which were married. By all intents and purposes, we're still married, but living apart. I live in San Antonio, and she lives two hours away with our two daughters (6 and 9).
When we first got together back in 2007, i had told her i wanted to be a girl, and although she took it bad originally, she decided to stay with me. I never got on HRT and generally only dressed the part on Halloween. Besides that, i normally presented as male, although i wear panties, and for a good while wore leggings (although when i started working at the funeral home in 2022, i switched to wearing work slacks exclusively.) For most of our relationship, i wore my hair long and sometimes i painted my nails (i stopped as soon as i started working at the funeral home as well).
A few years back, probably mid-2023, she asked if we could have an open relationship. Not wanting to be a bad husband i said ok, thinking that that just meant she'd find local men for short flings.
Fast forward to late December 2025. She tells me that in mid January she's going on vacation to Florida to stay with a guy she met online. This hit me hard and i didn't know what to say. It hurt, but i had to just take it since this was the whole open relationship thing she wanted, but taken to an extreme i never thought she would.
When the week she was going to leave came, i had a mental breakdown and ended up having to be taken to a wellness clinic due to suicidal idealizations.
After that week, we had a huge argument and i got kicked out of our home and ended up having to move to San Antonio to live with my parents. When i first moved i got a job with good references from my previous employer. During this first month i was living with extreme depression and couldn't focus on my job and pretty much got fired by late February, after only two paychecks. Since then my luck hasn't changed much. My car got broken into and was attempted to be stolen. I'm currently struggling trying to find a job while my car sits at the dealership getting worked on and i have no idea how I'm going to pay the deductible to get her out. I've been using my parents' car, but i can't be using that as my own car since they need it too, so now i have no idea what to do in case i get a job.
Everyday i have dark, intrusive thoughts of hurting myself, ending myself, often with very vivid "instructions" on how to do it. Each day i wake up, wait until my parents let me use the car, go to a library, submit a bunch of applications, then go to a bookstore and wait until it's near 8pm, at which time i go back to the car. Around that time my daughter calls me for a bedtime story. After her story, i go back "home" and stay up with my thoughts.
I've decided that i no longer want to be a woman. My life has gone to absolute shit because of it. In two months, my wife and daughters are moving to Florida and I'll be left with nothing. I can't just hop on a plane and go visit them whenever. I still don't have a job. I don't have my own car. I have no friends in this city. I spend most of my nights talking to ChatGPT. I keep trying to talk to my ex to try and remain friends but have noticed that it hurts too much to do so (both myself and her). I have no one and i no longer want to live. Tonight i got home and just wanted to start writing suicide letters and have them ready. I can't do this any longer. I just want an end to this shit life I've received from being a delusional person.
When we first got together back in 2007, i had told her i wanted to be a girl, and although she took it bad originally, she decided to stay with me. I never got on HRT and generally only dressed the part on Halloween. Besides that, i normally presented as male, although i wear panties, and for a good while wore leggings (although when i started working at the funeral home in 2022, i switched to wearing work slacks exclusively.) For most of our relationship, i wore my hair long and sometimes i painted my nails (i stopped as soon as i started working at the funeral home as well).
A few years back, probably mid-2023, she asked if we could have an open relationship. Not wanting to be a bad husband i said ok, thinking that that just meant she'd find local men for short flings.
Fast forward to late December 2025. She tells me that in mid January she's going on vacation to Florida to stay with a guy she met online. This hit me hard and i didn't know what to say. It hurt, but i had to just take it since this was the whole open relationship thing she wanted, but taken to an extreme i never thought she would.
When the week she was going to leave came, i had a mental breakdown and ended up having to be taken to a wellness clinic due to suicidal idealizations.
After that week, we had a huge argument and i got kicked out of our home and ended up having to move to San Antonio to live with my parents. When i first moved i got a job with good references from my previous employer. During this first month i was living with extreme depression and couldn't focus on my job and pretty much got fired by late February, after only two paychecks. Since then my luck hasn't changed much. My car got broken into and was attempted to be stolen. I'm currently struggling trying to find a job while my car sits at the dealership getting worked on and i have no idea how I'm going to pay the deductible to get her out. I've been using my parents' car, but i can't be using that as my own car since they need it too, so now i have no idea what to do in case i get a job.
Everyday i have dark, intrusive thoughts of hurting myself, ending myself, often with very vivid "instructions" on how to do it. Each day i wake up, wait until my parents let me use the car, go to a library, submit a bunch of applications, then go to a bookstore and wait until it's near 8pm, at which time i go back to the car. Around that time my daughter calls me for a bedtime story. After her story, i go back "home" and stay up with my thoughts.
I've decided that i no longer want to be a woman. My life has gone to absolute shit because of it. In two months, my wife and daughters are moving to Florida and I'll be left with nothing. I can't just hop on a plane and go visit them whenever. I still don't have a job. I don't have my own car. I have no friends in this city. I spend most of my nights talking to ChatGPT. I keep trying to talk to my ex to try and remain friends but have noticed that it hurts too much to do so (both myself and her). I have no one and i no longer want to live. Tonight i got home and just wanted to start writing suicide letters and have them ready. I can't do this any longer. I just want an end to this shit life I've received from being a delusional person.
