I need to get locked in ASAP

[MoggerGaston]

Recently I have gotten to a revelation-period at my mental-ward sessions. Took me 6 months to start trusting people here and starting to show my real self and really believing in wanting to heal. Trusting the process.

I have many ideas now of how I need to ascend, many of them are very similar to what I have done in the past, just that now I will have a newfound mindset to my struggles during the achievement of these milestones.

It can't be compared.

My past self was locked in, but very mentally ill. I got great results (chad-tier frat social-life, stacylite gf, etc), but mentally I was destroyed and unable to stay locked in and get into a positive feedback loop. Instead my depression pulled me back down, then when things started falling apart, it destroyed me and I fell back into old habits.

Difference now: I do the exact same thing, but now when I get great results, and get mentally destroyed, I will cope better and find a way back to ascension.
At least, that is the idea.

It will be harder than before, but then yet again, my goals are different too. I change my goalpost more towards experiences and towards mental healing, instead of hard-status symbols and things I can 'brag' about.

I don't need a stacylite GF: HTB is fine.
I don't need chad-tier fraternity social-circle: having a nice, caring, quality social circle of normies is fine.

And so on. I will make a new plan, and be more open towards new experiences, not having them get clouded from pain from the past. Or at least try to.

I don't know if this will work, but I have to try.

The alternative? Rotting at home like ive done the last few years with drugs (at raves) as my only few moments of joy.

I can and will still do that anyways, just more moderated so that it doesn't interfere as much with my new ascension plan.

Looksmaxxing I will also do and I will have to make a new appointment with doctor ferreira, probably.

 

[MoggerGaston]

Thoughts?

unfortunately will have to mean ill strongly reduce my activity on this forum.

 

[MoggerGaston]

I am trying to make a list of what goes well/easy for me right now, the value of it, and which parts of life I am trying to avoid, but possible have most to gain in.

And try to translate the first section into the second section.

Example: I was a super-strong athlete. So when I was looking to expand my social-circle in the past, which is something i struggle with, I joined a rowing-fraternity. Here I could leverage my elite athleticism into social-status at a rowing-fraternity and get the social-interactions which I craved.

This is off the table now, it is no longer possible. But there has to be other opportunities for me in my current stage/form/age.

 

[MoggerGaston]

its very brutal cuz I feel so far behind, yet I shouldnt let it stop me from living life to its fullest extent that is possible in my situation.

I think its mostly mental and inside of me anyways, all this pain, resulting from childhood trauma. It doesn't show in the real-world as much.

Yeah I am fucked up by being a student at the age of 29, not having a lot of experience, not having family, no friends, lots of anxiety-triggers, etc. but it would be idiotic to blame myself for that. I merely am dealing with the fallout from it and I can do that. I will take responsibility but I will no longer take the blame.

i can slowly start cleaning up the mess, my abusive parents left me with. My destroyed brain from child-abuse.

But I can't be so fucking rough on myself like I have been on the past. Constantly denying/rejecting me emotional reality, disassociating myself from it, to live a life I am not. And not even sharing this pain, not even trying to bandage it. Merely ignoring it, pretending like it doesn't exist.

A bleeding (emotional) wound, arterial bleeding, terminal if left unchecked. Yet I pretend to be healthy, I swallow the pain.
I can do this for a long time, but in the end it will kill me.

 

[Primalsplit]

Read it all bhai. I am glad you're turning things around.