luuk
Determined
- Joined
- Dec 18, 2025
- Posts
- 3,156
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I crave female validation too much but its not like my experiences with girls has ever gave me anything that wasn’t transient and entirely meaningless in the long run. Just hookups and situationships and heartbreaks. Literally just following my chimp impulses instead of using that brain of mine
I don’t want to be one of those losers that brags about how smart he is but I’ve always been gifted academically, particularly with systems thinking and reasoning. And whilst I lament the pitiful salaries of this country (the one thing I envy you yanks over) and the actual implications of the work I’ll end up doing (probably indirectly assisting in the bombing of children/ laying the foundations for the surveillance state/ enriching tech financiers at the expense of the public) I do still feel a fascination with the content of my degree, working with circuits and digital logic and signals and such.
I don’t really spend as much time as I should studying or engaging in extracurricular work related to my degree because I’ve always just been a crammer for exams and its worked out thus far. Its sad to reflect on but I sort of accepted the steady decline from “class topper oxbridge prospect” to “avg lazy student getting by” since like year 13 because I was simply not as locked in as the no-lifer nerds who didn’t really go out or ever miss lectures and I survived because I was naturally bright enough to pick things up at the last minute.
Also only recently got diagnosed with ADHD, which I don’t want to use as an excuse but which explains which contextualises a lot of my failures from the last few years. I’ve since been haphazardly self-medicating with modafinil to limited effect, if I can get on Vysanse or something then hopefully it will help
But yeah. Maybe I need to revisit my identity again. A lot of the time when I go out its like I’m trying to prove myself, prove that I’m sort of chad slayer and not the skinnyfat awkward aspie I used to be. I don’t even really enjoy it any more unless I meet a girl I really like and they never stay around anyways. Maybe its time to lock in. Not because I care about the ends- money and cars and all of that bullshit redpiller NPCs on instagram obsess about don’t motivate me at all- but because the process itself might being me peace and fulfillment
Rant over im going to bed
I don’t want to be one of those losers that brags about how smart he is but I’ve always been gifted academically, particularly with systems thinking and reasoning. And whilst I lament the pitiful salaries of this country (the one thing I envy you yanks over) and the actual implications of the work I’ll end up doing (probably indirectly assisting in the bombing of children/ laying the foundations for the surveillance state/ enriching tech financiers at the expense of the public) I do still feel a fascination with the content of my degree, working with circuits and digital logic and signals and such.
I don’t really spend as much time as I should studying or engaging in extracurricular work related to my degree because I’ve always just been a crammer for exams and its worked out thus far. Its sad to reflect on but I sort of accepted the steady decline from “class topper oxbridge prospect” to “avg lazy student getting by” since like year 13 because I was simply not as locked in as the no-lifer nerds who didn’t really go out or ever miss lectures and I survived because I was naturally bright enough to pick things up at the last minute.
Also only recently got diagnosed with ADHD, which I don’t want to use as an excuse but which explains which contextualises a lot of my failures from the last few years. I’ve since been haphazardly self-medicating with modafinil to limited effect, if I can get on Vysanse or something then hopefully it will help
But yeah. Maybe I need to revisit my identity again. A lot of the time when I go out its like I’m trying to prove myself, prove that I’m sort of chad slayer and not the skinnyfat awkward aspie I used to be. I don’t even really enjoy it any more unless I meet a girl I really like and they never stay around anyways. Maybe its time to lock in. Not because I care about the ends- money and cars and all of that bullshit redpiller NPCs on instagram obsess about don’t motivate me at all- but because the process itself might being me peace and fulfillment
Rant over im going to bed
