I stopped daydreaming about women

[ranierean]

I don't even remember when it happened and I'm only just now realizing that it did.

I masturbate only if I get the actual urge and if I can muster all the mental energy that I have to dissociate as hard as I can.

It's probably a good thing because my subconscious won't torture me with something that I can't have, but unfortunately now this void is being filled in with even more gay thoughts, lol.
It's weird because they're just as impotent, I never had male friends even when I was never one to seal away from being available to anybody.
I can't even begin to entertain this rationality because I am incredibly grotesque not just on the sexual plane of things and not just only to women; if anything men hate me more.
No one is going to swoop in and rescue me because, quite frankly, there's nothing there left to save, I have nothing to offer for anyone.

The genre of homophobia where they make it out to be this one sole refuge from lookism is so funny to me, I feel like saying things to this effect is more pro-gay than the actual in-your-face gay advocacy. I remember that before Obergefell people would legitimately say that all that homosexuals really needed to “become normal” is unrestricted access to the institution of marriage and if that ever happened then everything would just click and nobody would think of marginalizing gays ever again because this one simple fix would resolve every single contradiction here and make homosexuality stop being this bête noire even to those Westboro Church freaks.
In retrospect, they were partially right because being gay isn’t that enticing anymore and I don’t say this because I find joy in suffering: I would much rather be a vampyr onlooking the surrounding villages from my elevated dark abode than be one of the hapless little losers occupying said villages.
In general left-wing queer rhetoric never felt quite affirming to me because it is always presented with unhealthy amounts of fetishization and I detest the idea of intersectionality being king because its implication seems to be that if you’re gay then you’re also African.

Still, I keep imagining a person who would see something good in me but if they were real I would do everything to shut them down because it would just be wrong of me to exploit and drag down people like that and I really hate disappointing others.
"Who you are" is looks and only looks, everything else is built on top of it and is superficial. You can only love someone for how they are physically.

But these are just thoughts and I suppose all things have to pass eventually.

 

[Tabula Rasa]

Ahh, I too am filled with self-loathing. I realise my defects and idiosyncracies will always offend the sensibilities of the common denominator, but it's not something that I could particularly alter on command. I find solace in the reality that all societies had it's rejects anyway, and I think one may err by suggesting that they are beneath the majority.