Nazi Germany
Zubeer Adolf Hipster - KVAZAR MOLOCH
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2024
- Posts
- 1,482
- Reputation
- 4,238
@forevergymcelling
Auth.Boris Von Lada, callsign "Tsar Bong," and Jims "The Velvet Hammer" McTavish, reporting for duty, or rather, the duty of defending their meticulously cultivated cannabis colossus.
Auth.Boris, with his meticulously maintained mustache and a mind that calculates the optimal light spectrum for maximum THC production with the precision of a Panzer tank commander, has deployed a network of "Bud-Busters," modified Roomba vacuum cleaners armed with miniature flamethrowers, patrolling the perimeter. Jims, meanwhile, the master of the moist, the sultan of the succulent, has rigged the irrigation system to dispense a potent aphrodisiac-infused nutrient solution, ensuring that the plants are not only potent but also perpetually *horny, a state of being we find deeply relatable.
The security protocols are, shall we say, robust. We're talking about a multi-layered defense system involving laser grids powered by repurposed disco balls, a pack of genetically modified chihuahuas trained to detect the scent of snitches, and a series of strategically placed inflatable sex dolls that serve as both decoys and a source of… inspiration.
Jims, on the other hand, prefers a more hands-on approach. He's currently experimenting with a new strain he calls "The Girthquake," a hybrid so potent it's rumored to induce spontaneous orgasms in anyone who even looks at it. He's also developed a series of "Pleasure Pods," small, self-contained greenhouses that are designed to maximize the sensual experience of tending to the plants. These pods are equipped with vibrating massage chairs, aromatherapy diffusers, and a selection of erotic literature, all designed to create the perfect environment for both plant and pleasure. The enemy may come, but they will find themselves lost in a labyrinth of lust and leaves, a botanical brothel where the only thing that's harvested is happiness.
Auth.Boris Von Lada and Jims "Jimothy" Tiberius Kirkland, a couple united not just by love but by a shared dedication to their, ahem, "agricultural pursuits," found themselves in a predicament most peculiar. Their farm, affectionately nicknamed "Fort mari" by Auth.Boris (a name Jims found simultaneously endearing and ridiculous), was under siege. Not by federal agents, mind you, but by something far more insidious: a rogue combine harvester piloted by a squirrel with a vendetta.
Okay (JIMS) Jimothy, my love, my dove, my chronic-infused cupcake," Auth.Boris declared, his voice a melodramatic baritone, "we must defend our precious crop! That furry fiend, that nut-crazed, seed-stealing, THC-tempted rodent, shall not lay a single paw on our verdant ladies!"
Jims, ever the pragmatist, raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "Boris, darling, while I admire your... enthusiasm, perhaps we should consider a more measured approach? A simple fence, perhaps? Or a well-placed scarecrow?"
"A fence? A scarecrow?" Auth.Boris scoffed, clutching his chest as if mortally wounded. "Jimothy, my sweet summer child, you wound me! This is not a mere garden, it's a fortress! A bastion of bud! A sanctuary of sativa! We need firepower, Jimothy, firepower!"
And so began the militarization of Fort marijuana
Auth.Boris, fueled by a potent cocktail of caffeine, adrenaline, and a particularly strong strain of "Purple Haze," set about transforming their humble farm into a veritable military installation.
First came the perimeter defense. Forget barbed wire, Auth.Boris opted for a complex network of laser grids, motion sensors, and pressure plates, all linked to a central command system housed in a repurposed garden shed. The shed, now christened "The Bud Bunker," was adorned with camouflage netting and a hand-painted sign that read "Keep Out! (Unless You Have Snacks)."
Next came the weaponry. Jims, a former Eagle Scout with a surprising knack for engineering, constructed a series of ingenious devices designed to repel the squirrel menace. There was the "Nutcracker 3000," a modified leaf blower that fired acorns at high velocity. The "Seed Slinger," a trebuchet that launched birdseed grenades. And, of course, the pièce de résistance, the "THC Torpedo," a water balloon filled with a concentrated solution of, well, you get the idea.
Their arsenal also included a collection of more conventional weapons, sourced from a "friend of a friend" who may or may not have been involved in some "shady dealings" back in the '80s. There were AK-47s, RPGs, and even a decommissioned Soviet-era tank that Auth.Boris insisted on calling "The Green Machine."
The defense of Fort Marijuana became a daily ritual, a bizarre ballet of military precision and horticultural expertise. Auth.Boris, clad in full combat gear (including a gas mask he claimed enhanced his "sensory perception"), would patrol the perimeter, barking orders into a walkie-talkie. Jims, meanwhile, would tend to the plants, occasionally pausing to calibrate the Nutcracker 3000 or refill the THC Torpedoes.
Their efforts were not without their challenges. There was the time Auth.Boris accidentally set off the laser grid while chasing a butterfly he believed to be a "reconnaissance drone." Or the incident where Jims mistook a bag of fertilizer for a sack of grenades, resulting in a rather explosive gardening session.
But through it all, their love endured, a beacon of hope amidst the chaos. They were, after all, not just farmers, or soldiers, or lovers. They were pioneers, trailblazers, the vanguard of a new era of agricultural defense. They were Auth.Boris Von Lada and Jims Tiberius Kirkland, and they were here to stay, one THC-infused, laser-guarded, squirrel-battling day at a time.
Code:
#!/bin/bash
# --- Farm Simulator ---
# --- Configuration ---
farm_name="Digital Acres"
field_size=10 # Represents a 10x10 grid
water_level=50 # Initial water level (0-100)
money=100 # Starting capital
# --- Plants ---
declare -A plants
plants["Corn"]="C"
plants["Wheat"]="W"
plants["Soybeans"]="S"
# --- Field Initialization ---
declare -A field
for ((i=0; i<field_size; i++)); do
for ((j=0; j<field_size; j++)); do
field[$i,$j]="." # Empty soil
done
done
# --- Functions ---
# Display the farm status
display_farm() {
clear
echo "--- $farm_name ---"
echo "Water Level: $water_level%"
echo "Money: $$money"
echo ""
# Display the field
for ((i=0; i<field_size; i++)); do
for ((j=0; j<field_size; j++)); do
printf "${field[$i,$j]} "
done
echo ""
done
echo ""
}
# Plant a crop
plant_crop() {
local row=$1
local col=$2
local crop=$3
local cost=10
if (( row < 0 || row >= field_size || col < 0 || col >= field_size )); then
echo "Invalid coordinates."
return 1
fi
if [[ ${field[$row,$col]} != "." ]]; then
echo "There is already a plant here."
return 1
fi
if (( money < cost )); then
echo "Not enough money to plant $crop."
return 1
fi
field[$row,$col]=${plants[$crop]}
money=$((money - cost))
echo "$crop planted at ($row, $col)."
}
# Water the plants
water_plants() {
local amount=$1
if (( amount <= 0 )); then
echo "Invalid water amount."
return 1
fi
if (( water_level < amount )); then
echo "Not enough water."
return 1
fi
water_level=$((water_level - amount))
echo "Plants watered with $amount units of water."
# Simulate growth (very basic)
for ((i=0; i<field_size; i++)); do
for ((j=0; j<field_size; j++)); do
if [[ ${field[$i,$j]} != "." ]]; then
# Add a simple growth indicator (uppercase for "grown")
field[$i,$j]=$(echo "${field[$i,$j]}" | tr '[:lower:]' '[:upper:]')
fi
done
done
}
# Harvest a crop
harvest_crop() {
local row=$1
local col=$2
local revenue=25
if (( row < 0 || row >= field_size || col < 0 || col >= field_size )); then
echo "Invalid coordinates."
return 1
fi
if [[ ${field[$row,$col]} == "." ]]; then
echo "Nothing to harvest here."
return 1
fi
if [[ ${field[$row,$col]} == "c" ]] || [[ ${field[$row,$col]} == "w" ]] || [[ ${field[$row,$col]} == "s" ]]; then
echo "This crop is not ready to be harvested."
return 1
fi
local crop_name=""
for name in "${!plants[@]}"; do
if [[ "${plants[$name]}" == "${field[$row,$col]}" ]]; then
crop_name="$name"
break
fi
done
if [[ -z "$crop_name" ]]; then
for name in "${!plants[@]}"; do
if [[ "${plants[$name]}" == "$(echo "${field[$row,$col]}" | tr '[:upper:]' '[:lower:]')" ]]; then
crop_name="$name"
break
fi
done
fi
money=$((money + revenue))
field[$row,$col]="."
echo "$crop_name harvested from ($row, $col). Earned $$revenue."
}
# --- Main Game Loop ---
while true; do
display_farm
read -p "Enter command (plant, water, harvest, quit): " command
case "$command" in
plant)
read -p "Enter row, column, and crop (e.g., 2 5 Corn): " row col crop
plant_crop "$row" "$col" "$crop"
;;
water)
read -p "Enter amount of water to use: " amount
water_plants "$amount"
;;
harvest)
read -p "Enter row and column to harvest (e.g., 2 5): " row col
harvest_crop "$row" "$col"
;;
quit)
echo "Exiting farm simulator."
exit 0
;;
*)
echo "Invalid command."
;;
esac
sleep 1 # Pause for a moment
done
The moment I cracked open that container, my nostrils got AMBUSHED by what I can only describe as if a pine forest had a passionate love affair with a berry patch behind a vanilla factory! you know that feeling when you're absolutely CERTAIN some sneaky berries are conducting reconnaissance on your nose? Twenty minutes later, I found two gentlemen started slow dancing to the music, spinning like beautiful human windmills, and I SWEAR ON Vermilioncore their movements were painting actual rainbows in the air! 
