Prøphet
Only after losing it all, could he have anything
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2024
- Posts
- 11,552
- Reputation
- 17,629
Because the truth is I’m going to need to suffer a whole lot if I want to get better.
My life is utterly fucked. I don’t know if there even is a chance that things get better. But I cannot continue on like this. I have been doing the absolute bare minimum with my life for the past year (really Ive been like this my whole life, but the past year it’s gotten way worse)
I wake up late; cry a bit thinking about my life, do my assignments, eat something, workout, take a shower, doomscroll, and back to sleep. I am not living. I’m just holding on. It gets more challenging each month to even do what I described to you. It feels very dark and bleak what my life has come to.
I will never have the vision of the average person. I am always going to be held back in that regard because I was born that way. But there is a possibility to change the other things. I want to look in the mirror once and see something that makes me feel ok.
My strabismus, my horrifically recessed jaw, my overbite, prepubescent frame, short legs, everything about my face is to the point of deformity, every time I catch a reflection of myself, I think about the genetic lottery that I lost on all fronts.
I haven’t talked to anyone for an eternity because I can’t see myself as an equal to anybody. I’m inferior, and deep down Ive known this for all my life, it’s been reflected in all my behavior and actions, and at this point I just think that’s who I am rather than something I picked up or a phase I went through.
I hate myself, and with hate comes a desire to fail. Yet I also want to succeed at doing the impossible. So how am I supposed to deal with such a paradox and conflict within myself. I think too much and not enough. I make problems where there aren’t any, and I ignore all the problems that already are.
I just hope I find the strength to put myself through every surgery in the book for my eyes, put my shame and fear aside to start working and saving up for a double jaw surgery, and above all else, I hope I find it in me to do whatever it takes, by any means necessary. Because at the end of the day, when this year flies by and I find myself in 2027, of I’m still stuck in this exact spot, I’ll hate myself even more, and suffer even harder, with nothing to show for my miserable life of nothingness, no realized payoff for all the time I spent in pain
My life is utterly fucked. I don’t know if there even is a chance that things get better. But I cannot continue on like this. I have been doing the absolute bare minimum with my life for the past year (really Ive been like this my whole life, but the past year it’s gotten way worse)
I wake up late; cry a bit thinking about my life, do my assignments, eat something, workout, take a shower, doomscroll, and back to sleep. I am not living. I’m just holding on. It gets more challenging each month to even do what I described to you. It feels very dark and bleak what my life has come to.
I will never have the vision of the average person. I am always going to be held back in that regard because I was born that way. But there is a possibility to change the other things. I want to look in the mirror once and see something that makes me feel ok.
My strabismus, my horrifically recessed jaw, my overbite, prepubescent frame, short legs, everything about my face is to the point of deformity, every time I catch a reflection of myself, I think about the genetic lottery that I lost on all fronts.
I haven’t talked to anyone for an eternity because I can’t see myself as an equal to anybody. I’m inferior, and deep down Ive known this for all my life, it’s been reflected in all my behavior and actions, and at this point I just think that’s who I am rather than something I picked up or a phase I went through.
I hate myself, and with hate comes a desire to fail. Yet I also want to succeed at doing the impossible. So how am I supposed to deal with such a paradox and conflict within myself. I think too much and not enough. I make problems where there aren’t any, and I ignore all the problems that already are.
I just hope I find the strength to put myself through every surgery in the book for my eyes, put my shame and fear aside to start working and saving up for a double jaw surgery, and above all else, I hope I find it in me to do whatever it takes, by any means necessary. Because at the end of the day, when this year flies by and I find myself in 2027, of I’m still stuck in this exact spot, I’ll hate myself even more, and suffer even harder, with nothing to show for my miserable life of nothingness, no realized payoff for all the time I spent in pain
Last edited:
