Vermilioncore
𝕯𝖝𝕯 𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖜
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2019
- Posts
- 73,868
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In the depths of my grief, I wanted sex and intimacy without having to date, compromise or be emotionally available to anyone new. I did not want to make small talk about my life as it was falling apart. Having sex with strangers healed me in ways that therapy, friendship, travel, writing and photography could not. These encounters made me feel empowered, desirable and more in tune with my body. They gave me agency when my life felt out of my control.
1. The Hotel Manager. Arrived in a suit, which made him appear as an escort. Because it was the first, all that mattered was he did what I asked. It was glorious.
A string of love affairs pales in comparison to the type of connection I shared with Jacob. When he was alive, I never felt the need for anyone else. With him gone, I feared that these casual hookups would bleed into one another and that the faces or details would be harder to recall as time passed.
At age 29, few of my peers on Tinder, Bumble or OkCupid are single because they've lost a spouse. Compared to the more common ways most relationships end, the extent of my heartbreak is intimidating. I was thrown from a healthy marriage into a pool of young people looking to escape loneliness. Many of them have not yet found the kind love I had with Jacob.
I worried about how friends, family members and the public would judge me. Promiscuity is assumed to be self-destructive, but it was helping me rebuild. When I first brought up the idea of sex with others on my Instagram, one troll commented: "Your husband's body is not even cold in the ground and you're lying next to strange men. He despises you from the afterlife."
I was having drinks with one of my husband's friends a few months after his death. I confided in him that my need for intimacy felt dire, like a big weight on my chest each night. He was taken aback, and asked, "How can you even be thinking of that right now?"
17. The Barber. Big, big flirt. A great build. While admiring my skin and the thrill of being with an Indian woman for the first time, he called me "morena". Unmatched me after I made him dinner.
I didn't want to care about meeting people's expectations of how I should think, feel and act. But of course, it hurt to know that people who had never been in my position had specific ideas about the amount of time that should pass before I opened my heart (or legs) to another person. I plotted for five months before my first encounter.
I was exhausted by never being a priority. I still wanted sex, but suddenly, I wanted to be loved again. I fantasised about being seduced, cared for and supported. I missed cooking for Jacob, planning our trips and our future together. I stayed single as a whirlwind of marriages and divorces happened around me. I missed being a wife and having my person. I am surely capable of another great love, and I'm hopeful that I will eventually find a person with whom I can share my life.
1. The Hotel Manager. Arrived in a suit, which made him appear as an escort. Because it was the first, all that mattered was he did what I asked. It was glorious.
A string of love affairs pales in comparison to the type of connection I shared with Jacob. When he was alive, I never felt the need for anyone else. With him gone, I feared that these casual hookups would bleed into one another and that the faces or details would be harder to recall as time passed.
At age 29, few of my peers on Tinder, Bumble or OkCupid are single because they've lost a spouse. Compared to the more common ways most relationships end, the extent of my heartbreak is intimidating. I was thrown from a healthy marriage into a pool of young people looking to escape loneliness. Many of them have not yet found the kind love I had with Jacob.
I worried about how friends, family members and the public would judge me. Promiscuity is assumed to be self-destructive, but it was helping me rebuild. When I first brought up the idea of sex with others on my Instagram, one troll commented: "Your husband's body is not even cold in the ground and you're lying next to strange men. He despises you from the afterlife."
I was having drinks with one of my husband's friends a few months after his death. I confided in him that my need for intimacy felt dire, like a big weight on my chest each night. He was taken aback, and asked, "How can you even be thinking of that right now?"
17. The Barber. Big, big flirt. A great build. While admiring my skin and the thrill of being with an Indian woman for the first time, he called me "morena". Unmatched me after I made him dinner.
I didn't want to care about meeting people's expectations of how I should think, feel and act. But of course, it hurt to know that people who had never been in my position had specific ideas about the amount of time that should pass before I opened my heart (or legs) to another person. I plotted for five months before my first encounter.
I was exhausted by never being a priority. I still wanted sex, but suddenly, I wanted to be loved again. I fantasised about being seduced, cared for and supported. I missed cooking for Jacob, planning our trips and our future together. I stayed single as a whirlwind of marriages and divorces happened around me. I missed being a wife and having my person. I am surely capable of another great love, and I'm hopeful that I will eventually find a person with whom I can share my life.
