returnofthecutecel
Luminary
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2025
- Posts
- 5,670
- Reputation
- 5,698
I want to open up in this thread. I need help.
I don’t know where to start. I’m 24 years old and this beginning of the year has been bringing me to tears at four in the morning.
I am unhappy, and I have solid reasons to be. I was born as a normal kid. I played with other kids and laughed. There were no worries. I remember my early school days, which at first I hated: lining up and the sound of the school bell. The playground during recess was a place where soccer matches were lived intensely, and I was part of that. There were eleven of us (twelve later on), and I felt like I truly belonged to the group.
I was always a good student, partly thanks to the education I received from my family. My father, who is a teacher, instilled in me the importance of studying, and thanks to him I am who I am today. Everything was going well. I was a happy child with a lot of potential.
However, things changed when I started secondary school. Some of my classmates were the same, but many were new. Some seemed to be the same people I knew — or so I thought. The “same” ones changed their personalities, although I managed to stay close to my best friend during those years. Secondary school was one of the worst periods of my life and marked the moment when that happy child started to doubt himself. During that time, bullying began — for lack of a better word. It’s hard to explain, but from the very first day of secondary school I felt like I wasn’t myself anymore. The insecurity that came from meeting new people and feeling constantly judged made me feel deeply alone and nauseous every morning before school. Later on, things escalated: I started getting slapped on the back of the head, and people laughed at me for my appearance (my ears, acne, and other physical traits).
During that period, I isolated myself at home, playing video games like Call of Duty, watching YouTube videos, and browsing the internet. They were going out, drinking, and sharing moments with friends. I learned how to live alone.
In high school, things seemed more normal. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, and people treated me better. The summer before high school I joined a gym, people noticed the change, and I felt better about myself. I stayed in class with my best friend and met another guy I got along with. However, the pressure and anxiety I imposed on myself due to my high standards and perfectionism around exams — especially the college entrance exam — disrupted my mental balance. One day, during an anxiety episode, my parents decided to call a doctor, who prescribed me medication: lorazepam and escitalopram. The first few days on medication felt amazing; I went to class happy and without worries. But over time, the effect faded, and I went back to being my usual self.
Despite everything, I managed to get a very high GPA in high school and scored around 13 out of 14 on the college entrance exam. At first, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to study. On one hand, my inner child wanted to be a computer engineer, since I grew up surrounded by computers and loved technology. On the other hand, I considered other options like Medicine or Biotechnology, because I started to enjoy molecular biology in high school thanks to an amazing teacher.
I decided to enroll in a double degree in Computer Engineering and Statistics, but things didn’t go well. With the best intentions, my parents placed me in a university residence, but I lasted less than a month. I couldn’t leave my room, and every shared moment with the other residents felt suffocating; my mind would completely shut down. At university, I also failed to connect with my classmates. I spent my days crying, and the whole situation led me to quit everything. I felt the degree wasn’t for me and that I didn’t belong there, especially since there was a lot of electronics and circuitry involved — subjects I had never studied before, even though I loved computer science.
I dropped out and isolated myself at home for months. Too much time to think, endless empty hours. I filled that time by downloading dating apps. I started worrying about the fact that I had never attracted a girl, except for a “girlfriend” I had as a child — someone I’m probably still in love with to this day. We shared many moments during childhood and long afternoons chatting on Messenger. Going back to the dating apps, they triggered a huge obsession with my appearance and body. I got a few matches, but most girls never replied, and the number of matches was very small. This pushed me to search online. I started believing I was unattractive and posted my first picture on r/truerateme, where I received a low facial attractiveness rating. One comment mentioned the forum looksmax.org, and I decided to register. From that moment on, my nightmare began.
I have been obsessed with my physical appearance since 2019, and I have been active on looksmaxxing forums ever since. I still haven’t had my first kiss or lost my virginity, and I’m 24 years old. I feel like time is slipping away, and it overwhelms me. My parents are getting older, and I’m terrified of dying alone — without a job or stability, with expectations that were never fulfilled, with all my effort amounting to nothing.
After leaving Computer Engineering and Statistics, the following year I decided to study Biotechnology. I thought it was the least bad option and wanted to make use of my high entrance exam score. Once again, I was mostly alone throughout the degree and never went partying, except on my graduation day. From the beginning, I felt like social groups were already formed and no one included me. The degree demanded everything from me during my worst years, but I managed to finish it — with blood, sweat, and tears. During my final year, my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Finishing my thesis, going to the lab in tears, and getting results was incredibly hard.
Currently, I am studying a Master’s degree in Cellular and Molecular Biology, and I feel completely burned out. Even though I have achieved top grades in some subjects, academic research feels like a highly sacrificial world. I’ve been offered the chance to stay in the same lab and pursue a PhD, but I can’t see myself living like that — endless working hours, skipping meals, no time for hobbies, and no pay — for at least four years, earning a ridiculously low salary. I don’t think I have the passion to research this topic for that long. On top of that, in that lab it’s just my supervisor and me, which feels incredibly lonely. I have no one to share my frustrations or concerns with. It feels like wherever I go, I’m destined to be alone.
In short, my future and present overwhelm me. I feel crushed by loneliness, by not finding my passion or job stability, and by never being attractive to women. I don’t understand myself, and I don’t know if I truly have valid reasons to feel this way. But I hope that writing this helps me understand myself better and maybe find a solution — if one exists.
I don’t know where to start. I’m 24 years old and this beginning of the year has been bringing me to tears at four in the morning.
I am unhappy, and I have solid reasons to be. I was born as a normal kid. I played with other kids and laughed. There were no worries. I remember my early school days, which at first I hated: lining up and the sound of the school bell. The playground during recess was a place where soccer matches were lived intensely, and I was part of that. There were eleven of us (twelve later on), and I felt like I truly belonged to the group.
I was always a good student, partly thanks to the education I received from my family. My father, who is a teacher, instilled in me the importance of studying, and thanks to him I am who I am today. Everything was going well. I was a happy child with a lot of potential.
However, things changed when I started secondary school. Some of my classmates were the same, but many were new. Some seemed to be the same people I knew — or so I thought. The “same” ones changed their personalities, although I managed to stay close to my best friend during those years. Secondary school was one of the worst periods of my life and marked the moment when that happy child started to doubt himself. During that time, bullying began — for lack of a better word. It’s hard to explain, but from the very first day of secondary school I felt like I wasn’t myself anymore. The insecurity that came from meeting new people and feeling constantly judged made me feel deeply alone and nauseous every morning before school. Later on, things escalated: I started getting slapped on the back of the head, and people laughed at me for my appearance (my ears, acne, and other physical traits).
During that period, I isolated myself at home, playing video games like Call of Duty, watching YouTube videos, and browsing the internet. They were going out, drinking, and sharing moments with friends. I learned how to live alone.
In high school, things seemed more normal. The bullying stopped when I changed schools, and people treated me better. The summer before high school I joined a gym, people noticed the change, and I felt better about myself. I stayed in class with my best friend and met another guy I got along with. However, the pressure and anxiety I imposed on myself due to my high standards and perfectionism around exams — especially the college entrance exam — disrupted my mental balance. One day, during an anxiety episode, my parents decided to call a doctor, who prescribed me medication: lorazepam and escitalopram. The first few days on medication felt amazing; I went to class happy and without worries. But over time, the effect faded, and I went back to being my usual self.
Despite everything, I managed to get a very high GPA in high school and scored around 13 out of 14 on the college entrance exam. At first, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to study. On one hand, my inner child wanted to be a computer engineer, since I grew up surrounded by computers and loved technology. On the other hand, I considered other options like Medicine or Biotechnology, because I started to enjoy molecular biology in high school thanks to an amazing teacher.
I decided to enroll in a double degree in Computer Engineering and Statistics, but things didn’t go well. With the best intentions, my parents placed me in a university residence, but I lasted less than a month. I couldn’t leave my room, and every shared moment with the other residents felt suffocating; my mind would completely shut down. At university, I also failed to connect with my classmates. I spent my days crying, and the whole situation led me to quit everything. I felt the degree wasn’t for me and that I didn’t belong there, especially since there was a lot of electronics and circuitry involved — subjects I had never studied before, even though I loved computer science.
I dropped out and isolated myself at home for months. Too much time to think, endless empty hours. I filled that time by downloading dating apps. I started worrying about the fact that I had never attracted a girl, except for a “girlfriend” I had as a child — someone I’m probably still in love with to this day. We shared many moments during childhood and long afternoons chatting on Messenger. Going back to the dating apps, they triggered a huge obsession with my appearance and body. I got a few matches, but most girls never replied, and the number of matches was very small. This pushed me to search online. I started believing I was unattractive and posted my first picture on r/truerateme, where I received a low facial attractiveness rating. One comment mentioned the forum looksmax.org, and I decided to register. From that moment on, my nightmare began.
I have been obsessed with my physical appearance since 2019, and I have been active on looksmaxxing forums ever since. I still haven’t had my first kiss or lost my virginity, and I’m 24 years old. I feel like time is slipping away, and it overwhelms me. My parents are getting older, and I’m terrified of dying alone — without a job or stability, with expectations that were never fulfilled, with all my effort amounting to nothing.
After leaving Computer Engineering and Statistics, the following year I decided to study Biotechnology. I thought it was the least bad option and wanted to make use of my high entrance exam score. Once again, I was mostly alone throughout the degree and never went partying, except on my graduation day. From the beginning, I felt like social groups were already formed and no one included me. The degree demanded everything from me during my worst years, but I managed to finish it — with blood, sweat, and tears. During my final year, my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Finishing my thesis, going to the lab in tears, and getting results was incredibly hard.
Currently, I am studying a Master’s degree in Cellular and Molecular Biology, and I feel completely burned out. Even though I have achieved top grades in some subjects, academic research feels like a highly sacrificial world. I’ve been offered the chance to stay in the same lab and pursue a PhD, but I can’t see myself living like that — endless working hours, skipping meals, no time for hobbies, and no pay — for at least four years, earning a ridiculously low salary. I don’t think I have the passion to research this topic for that long. On top of that, in that lab it’s just my supervisor and me, which feels incredibly lonely. I have no one to share my frustrations or concerns with. It feels like wherever I go, I’m destined to be alone.
In short, my future and present overwhelm me. I feel crushed by loneliness, by not finding my passion or job stability, and by never being attractive to women. I don’t understand myself, and I don’t know if I truly have valid reasons to feel this way. But I hope that writing this helps me understand myself better and maybe find a solution — if one exists.
