Messier 4
Iron
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2025
- Posts
- 1
- Reputation
- 0
Quick introduction: I've been lurking on this forum since 2021. I've since been blackpilled. I know lookism is true.
Ok. This is going to be a longish post that I feel I need to make right before I decide over something that will greatly impact my life, in a way that I may or may not regret it ten or more years from now. I will first give some background in a honest and vulnerable way.
I know some of you will find this post cringe, but I'm desperate and have nowhere else to be this open and exposed anonymously.
OK. I'm a 27M soon to be 28, and I sadly say that I lost my 20s till now, with anxiety, depression and despair being ever so present, preventing me from even starting college, making any friendships or getting a girl(I'm still a virgin). I actually spent 99% of the time inside my house in all those years since high school. I feel great fear of hitting the big 30 two years from now, when adults will think I need to carry the weight of the world like they do and teenagers and young people up until the age of 25 will stop seen me as young.
I feel like the world TRIES to make you happy if you are <25. At that age range, the world gives itself to you for your happiness. Then when you hit 30+, you need to give everything you have to be happy.
Some may already be picturing an overweight neckbeard with autism(not really judging), but I went to a psychiatrist and the doctor found no neurological issue, although he obviously said I had depression. Nobody that saw me ever said I look past 19, and they get very surprised when I tell them my real age, making me feel even more empty inside for having lost all those years, like I was in a coma. I can go to a high school right now and blend in really easily. Both my parents always looked ten years younger than their actual age, so I got this from them.
With so much free time, I spent countless hours thinking about life, trying to figure its meaning, and this was one reason why I never got the ship going. I felt I had to first find life's meaning in order to start living it, but the more I thought the more I got confused.
The semesters went by, and my doubts about life just kept adding up, while whatever touch on solid paths I had in high school just never happened again. Social media was another reason for this mess, as it make me feel guilty by not having what I saw on it.
I went from wanting to live a different and more exciting life in western europe, then east asia, then eastern europe, then back to western europe, then latin america, then east asia again... this is ridiculous, but I was always in a loop and always got back at previous left behind desires.
I lost my religious faith after going through some extreme depression phase in 2016, got back at it again after discovering Jordan Peterson, then became an atheist again, then a catholic phase and finally an agnostic. Yes, I'm a ridiculous flip flopper.
Now I don't know what to do. After countless hours thinking about what I should do with my stupid garbage life, I came to two choices: finally go to college and start my life in Russia or in China. Why? Because I figure those are the best places to find the girlfriend I never had and they offer college scholarships(sorry if I'm being blunt and non inspiring in my writing).
Why not do it in the US? Because I simply want to leave this place that is hopeless for me. I'll probably come back to the US and stay forever after college though, since I still want to be close to my family and spend time with them. My mother is close to being 60 and I fear not being there if she needs me when the old age issues start to appear.
So what should I do?
Russia is closer to my country in culture, it's easier to make friends in it and the women are prettier and I'm simply more used to liking white girls. I grew up desiring white girls. In fact, my first crush was with a white girl whose face resembled Scarlett Johansson as a little girl(it was in middle school).
The issue though is that white women age the worst. After maybe about the age of 25, they start to look masculine, wrinkled or their faces start to drop, making them look about 7-10 years older than they are.
From this:
To this:
In a span of 8 to 10 years.
I want a 18 yo girl, so the expiration date for her youth would be about 7 years until she looks past 25.
I'm very afraid of the passage of time, and wanted to get a woman that would make me feel young for as long as possible.
China on the other hand is a much more alien country and this has its positives and negatives. Chinese culture is way more novel and interesting than russian culture, and China is definely the more developed country. On the other hand, I'd really look out of place and not be seen as part of their group even if I spoke fluent chinese, making it almost impossible to build deep friendships while there, even if I'll only stay until graduation.
I also have difficulty connecting China, its culture and its people, with what I've known so far in life and with my family. It just feels off getting a girl from a place so different than my culture and all the people I know.
But China has chinese women, and asian women in general age much better. My girlfriend could be 30 and still looking 20, thus extending my ability to feel connected with youth for about a decade more than if I had a white woman.
They go from this:
To:
Also in a span of 8-10 years.
But there's a third choice. I can stay in this country, and I feel like this would give me the opportunity to be as close to my family as possible. After wasting ten years of my life, I missed my little cousins growing up, lost close family members and missed almost all the opportunities I had of experiencing life beyond my computer's screen. Now I feel an immense doubt as to whether I should even move to another city in my state, let alone to the other side of the planet, and not be there day by day with my family, for four years.
Please, offer your insights so I can make a decision. I cried 5 days in a roll now and fear that I'll waste another year for not starting something now. Then I'll be 29 and feel no motivation anymore, since I'll be one year from being 30.
Ok. This is going to be a longish post that I feel I need to make right before I decide over something that will greatly impact my life, in a way that I may or may not regret it ten or more years from now. I will first give some background in a honest and vulnerable way.
I know some of you will find this post cringe, but I'm desperate and have nowhere else to be this open and exposed anonymously.
OK. I'm a 27M soon to be 28, and I sadly say that I lost my 20s till now, with anxiety, depression and despair being ever so present, preventing me from even starting college, making any friendships or getting a girl(I'm still a virgin). I actually spent 99% of the time inside my house in all those years since high school. I feel great fear of hitting the big 30 two years from now, when adults will think I need to carry the weight of the world like they do and teenagers and young people up until the age of 25 will stop seen me as young.
I feel like the world TRIES to make you happy if you are <25. At that age range, the world gives itself to you for your happiness. Then when you hit 30+, you need to give everything you have to be happy.
Some may already be picturing an overweight neckbeard with autism(not really judging), but I went to a psychiatrist and the doctor found no neurological issue, although he obviously said I had depression. Nobody that saw me ever said I look past 19, and they get very surprised when I tell them my real age, making me feel even more empty inside for having lost all those years, like I was in a coma. I can go to a high school right now and blend in really easily. Both my parents always looked ten years younger than their actual age, so I got this from them.
With so much free time, I spent countless hours thinking about life, trying to figure its meaning, and this was one reason why I never got the ship going. I felt I had to first find life's meaning in order to start living it, but the more I thought the more I got confused.
The semesters went by, and my doubts about life just kept adding up, while whatever touch on solid paths I had in high school just never happened again. Social media was another reason for this mess, as it make me feel guilty by not having what I saw on it.
I went from wanting to live a different and more exciting life in western europe, then east asia, then eastern europe, then back to western europe, then latin america, then east asia again... this is ridiculous, but I was always in a loop and always got back at previous left behind desires.
I lost my religious faith after going through some extreme depression phase in 2016, got back at it again after discovering Jordan Peterson, then became an atheist again, then a catholic phase and finally an agnostic. Yes, I'm a ridiculous flip flopper.
Now I don't know what to do. After countless hours thinking about what I should do with my stupid garbage life, I came to two choices: finally go to college and start my life in Russia or in China. Why? Because I figure those are the best places to find the girlfriend I never had and they offer college scholarships(sorry if I'm being blunt and non inspiring in my writing).
Why not do it in the US? Because I simply want to leave this place that is hopeless for me. I'll probably come back to the US and stay forever after college though, since I still want to be close to my family and spend time with them. My mother is close to being 60 and I fear not being there if she needs me when the old age issues start to appear.
So what should I do?
Russia is closer to my country in culture, it's easier to make friends in it and the women are prettier and I'm simply more used to liking white girls. I grew up desiring white girls. In fact, my first crush was with a white girl whose face resembled Scarlett Johansson as a little girl(it was in middle school).
The issue though is that white women age the worst. After maybe about the age of 25, they start to look masculine, wrinkled or their faces start to drop, making them look about 7-10 years older than they are.
From this:
To this:
In a span of 8 to 10 years.
I want a 18 yo girl, so the expiration date for her youth would be about 7 years until she looks past 25.
I'm very afraid of the passage of time, and wanted to get a woman that would make me feel young for as long as possible.
China on the other hand is a much more alien country and this has its positives and negatives. Chinese culture is way more novel and interesting than russian culture, and China is definely the more developed country. On the other hand, I'd really look out of place and not be seen as part of their group even if I spoke fluent chinese, making it almost impossible to build deep friendships while there, even if I'll only stay until graduation.
I also have difficulty connecting China, its culture and its people, with what I've known so far in life and with my family. It just feels off getting a girl from a place so different than my culture and all the people I know.
But China has chinese women, and asian women in general age much better. My girlfriend could be 30 and still looking 20, thus extending my ability to feel connected with youth for about a decade more than if I had a white woman.
They go from this:
To:
Also in a span of 8-10 years.
But there's a third choice. I can stay in this country, and I feel like this would give me the opportunity to be as close to my family as possible. After wasting ten years of my life, I missed my little cousins growing up, lost close family members and missed almost all the opportunities I had of experiencing life beyond my computer's screen. Now I feel an immense doubt as to whether I should even move to another city in my state, let alone to the other side of the planet, and not be there day by day with my family, for four years.
Please, offer your insights so I can make a decision. I cried 5 days in a roll now and fear that I'll waste another year for not starting something now. Then I'll be 29 and feel no motivation anymore, since I'll be one year from being 30.
