JeanneDArcAlter
الله أكبر
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2024
- Posts
- 1,704
- Reputation
- 2,055
Not entirely sure why I wanted to share this with the world, I think I just needed to vent it out to the world because I would just make all my peers uncomfortable. I'm ugly, and it kills me sometimes. Boys were never interested in me. Up to now they will often ask out my prettier friends right in front of me. Either that or entirely ignore my existence while trying to get my friends' attention. It's not as if I want those boys in particular to seek my attention out my attention too, but I'd rather not have them treat me like a cockroach in the way of their possible fling when I was only just mid-conversation with the girl they're trying to talk to. In elementary I'd stare at myself in the mirror wondering why I wasn't as pretty as other girls, until it finally hit me; my nose. When I was little, girls would always tell me how big my nose was, and I never felt insulted by it, until I realized how I was viewed by other people because of it. I'm Filipino-American, if you were wondering. We naturally have wide noses. Sometimes people will mistake me for a boy, they will always ask me my gender. When I was seven, I was confronted by a McDonald's employee in the women's bathroom, asking if I were a man. Me, with my teal glittery butterfly shirt. Asked if I were a man. They mean no harm in it, but I would always get hurt by their questions. I suppose it wasn't so bad when I was younger, but as I got older the more I realized how unconventional my looks really were. And no matter how I tried to modify my appearance, nothing ever worked. 'I looked like a boy with short hair; okay, I'll grow it out'-- the first day I walked into my middle school with my long hair, that was the first time I was blatantly called ugly. Suppose it's because people finally recognized me as a girl. My eyebrows were thick, bushy, and angry-looking, so I trimmed them down-- it affected how my facial proportions looked, and somehow made my jaw look longer and more masculine than it already was. I tried every Tiktok beauty trend, to no avail. Gloss, eyeliner, all kinds of lipstick colors, mascara, lash extensions, prominent eyebags, no eyebags-- makeup just made me look like I was trying too hard; I looked uglier. Just today I went to Walmart and tried on a gorgeous dress, only to find that I looked like my uncle in drag. My conventionally attractive friends would always tell me I was beautiful, and I appreciate their compliments immensely. But it made me realize how only girls will ever recognize me as beautiful. Every time they'd complain about constantly getting attention from men, I couldn't help but go green with envy. It's gotten to the point where I would treasure any male attention I get. Even harassment made me feel validated and I know it's absolutely sickening and sad, but it's the only instances where I've genuinely felt wanted, desired. Anyways, I'm sorry that this was a long fruitless rant about how I will never be perceived as pretty because of the euro-centric beauty standards in the US. Hopefully someone like me will see this post and feel seen.
react
