Vermilioncore
fear god
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2019
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I am attracted to abusive and predator/creepy men. The ones who are assholes, angry, unavailable, aggressive, controlling, dominant, have poor boundaries and are turned on by making women powerless and fearful.
Through intensive therapy, I’ve learned why I am attracted to negative qualities like this... Due to traumatic bonding because of my abusive caregivers, i was taught this was how love was expressed. They are familiar behaviors and my body craves it like an addiction. Men like this make me feel emotionally dysregulated which can also feel like excitement and passion. I feel intense fear around them but also physically excited (if you know what i mean). Even as a child, I liked watching scenes where women were taken advantage of and were overpowered by men in the bedroom even when they did not want it.
I was sexually harassed at my last internship. The man got jealous and angry with me and other men when I talked to other men. He seemed to like it and get turned on when i said ditzy/stupid things and when I acted scared of him. He followed me around the building. He loved it when I was helpless because it fed his self esteem but also he wanted me dependent on him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer when I avoided him. He was also quick to anger. He tried to get me alone in his office and touched my leg and waist a couple of times. When I started acting confident and assertive because I had enough of his behavior, he did not like that and got angry and sad (I think he has severe rejection and abandonment issues). He made me do work I wasn’t supposed to do. He tried to stop me from doing the work I wanted to do. He scared the crap out of me. But I also was attracted to him and even felt like I had fallen in love at one point. Very confusing. I think his obsessiveness and controlling behavior made me feel loved and desired. Also I felt feminine and like a damsel in distress that he rescued. I was always used to being the one who protected others and it was so attractive to be around such a masculine and dominant presence who could protect me if I needed it. I felt overpowered around him and submitted to him easily. Anyways I never went back after that internship was over, he was no good for me plus he was married (when he was trying to get with me, he would take off his ring. I guess he thought I was too dumb to know).
What happened at that internship with him was traumatic and I felt hypervigilant around him. I have to do EMDR to work through what happened.
At another internship, another married man sexually Harassed me. When I walked in the room, he said,”Hi.... hiiii, I should call you smiley.” The way he said it was like he was turned on and it made others uncomfortable in the room. Another time, he told my demeanor reminded him of his wife and that he always tells his coworker that if he had another son, he would have me marry him. He got Angry when I rejected him, too. I spent that internship avoiding him.
Anyways, a big reason I am not dating now is because I want to work on myself and break these
Patterns of being attracted to and attracting these toxic dynamics in a relationship. Ugh, it sucks im attracted to these types of men. I have borderline personality disorder traits and I bet I attract men who also have personality disorders.
Anyone else relate?
Through intensive therapy, I’ve learned why I am attracted to negative qualities like this... Due to traumatic bonding because of my abusive caregivers, i was taught this was how love was expressed. They are familiar behaviors and my body craves it like an addiction. Men like this make me feel emotionally dysregulated which can also feel like excitement and passion. I feel intense fear around them but also physically excited (if you know what i mean). Even as a child, I liked watching scenes where women were taken advantage of and were overpowered by men in the bedroom even when they did not want it.
I was sexually harassed at my last internship. The man got jealous and angry with me and other men when I talked to other men. He seemed to like it and get turned on when i said ditzy/stupid things and when I acted scared of him. He followed me around the building. He loved it when I was helpless because it fed his self esteem but also he wanted me dependent on him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer when I avoided him. He was also quick to anger. He tried to get me alone in his office and touched my leg and waist a couple of times. When I started acting confident and assertive because I had enough of his behavior, he did not like that and got angry and sad (I think he has severe rejection and abandonment issues). He made me do work I wasn’t supposed to do. He tried to stop me from doing the work I wanted to do. He scared the crap out of me. But I also was attracted to him and even felt like I had fallen in love at one point. Very confusing. I think his obsessiveness and controlling behavior made me feel loved and desired. Also I felt feminine and like a damsel in distress that he rescued. I was always used to being the one who protected others and it was so attractive to be around such a masculine and dominant presence who could protect me if I needed it. I felt overpowered around him and submitted to him easily. Anyways I never went back after that internship was over, he was no good for me plus he was married (when he was trying to get with me, he would take off his ring. I guess he thought I was too dumb to know).
What happened at that internship with him was traumatic and I felt hypervigilant around him. I have to do EMDR to work through what happened.
At another internship, another married man sexually Harassed me. When I walked in the room, he said,”Hi.... hiiii, I should call you smiley.” The way he said it was like he was turned on and it made others uncomfortable in the room. Another time, he told my demeanor reminded him of his wife and that he always tells his coworker that if he had another son, he would have me marry him. He got Angry when I rejected him, too. I spent that internship avoiding him.
Anyways, a big reason I am not dating now is because I want to work on myself and break these
Patterns of being attracted to and attracting these toxic dynamics in a relationship. Ugh, it sucks im attracted to these types of men. I have borderline personality disorder traits and I bet I attract men who also have personality disorders.
Anyone else relate?
