returnofthecutecel
Apricot
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2025
- Posts
- 4,163
- Reputation
- 3,877
*Sorry for my broken english*
I'm gonna use this thread as my personal therapy and to vent, and cry, and to open myself.
Let's start from the beginning. I'm 24 years old, unhappy with my life. Watching life as an spectator but feeling like I'm never part of it. When I was a child everything was normal, or It seemed like it. I played with other kids, I had friends in school, playing football... Even I could get a "girlfriend" in primary school who I texted with in MSN Messenger. I always got good grades since I was a child. In a few words, I was happy. I played videogames too, alone and with other kids. Life was so simple and easy.
That was my life from 0 to 12 years old. At 12 years old I started High School and everything changed so much. Most of the class people were new and I struggled to talk with them and to get new friends. People's personalities changed a lot too, and I could keep just a few of my friends. I started to be insecure and people of the class (including girls) bullied me. That made me isolate myself at home, because I couldn't go outside. At that time I didn't almost have any friends.
Call of Duty Black Ops 2 was the game I spent the hours playing with other people online. I enjoyed it, but It was just the start of losing my life.
That years were hard af, I didn't even want to get out of the bed and was so anxious af, every fucking morning. They bullied, beated me, and I got insulted too. I was an ugly guy with acne, ethnic, with a very bad frame, small...
The high school years ended and I started college. New place to be with other people. Tbh college was good because I could be with my best friend at the time and didn't feel alone. Two years were I started gym and people noticed irl. I got confidence boost because of that.
But when those years finished everything just changed a lot. My grandma died two days before my exams of university admission. Still I went to do it, with my tears in the eyes, but I could get one of the best marks of my year.
First time I decided to do Computer Science + Statistics, everything seemed to be good. But I joined a students dorm and that... Just broke my life. I was so anxious I couldn't even leave my room to get along with other people in breakfast or lunch. That made me feel so depressed and I left university after just two weeks after starting. I felt so out of place and alone, since people never wanted to be neither with me.
That year, 2019, was probably my worst personal year... And that's the time when I discovered incel forums. I started posting my pics in dating apps (with small success) and at the first time I discovered r/truerateme. In a comment of that subreddit I saw someone talking about "looksmax.org".
I registered in the forum and posted my pic in the ratings section. Yeah, the people told me the truth... I was ugly. But the needing of posting pics was so high, until this day, wednesday 20th August 2025.
That year I left studies but started to learn guitar. Started listening depressive music, Nirvana, Radiohead, John Frusciante... And that let me learn a new hobby and write my personal songs and playing covers:
Shit songs, but It was just a good cope.
After that year I joined university again to study a bachelor's degree in Biotechnology. In my country its one of the degrees with a higher mark required to access... I liked Biology in high school and my mark was really high so I decided to study this degree. My uni years were just so bad, so much stress of the studies and also feeling so fucking alone. Always sitting in the corner of the class and never invited to parties.
Last year was my last uni year and my father got diagnosed with a bad cancer. Again the depression hit me and I just don't know how I could end my studies and going to the lab with my tears dropping, but I did it. Anyways, I'm not happy because I should've studied another degree with better job wages and status.
Now (2025) I'm feeling terrible, because I'm getting old (24 years old), and at the same time I'm kissless, hugless, handholdless, virgin, friendless and jobless. I don't know if I can have this situation for much time. Feeling the need of getting peace, maybe in another place I won't have to see others getting money, getting laid, getting everything
they want in life while I'm a mere spectator.
Thanks for reading.
I'm gonna use this thread as my personal therapy and to vent, and cry, and to open myself.
Let's start from the beginning. I'm 24 years old, unhappy with my life. Watching life as an spectator but feeling like I'm never part of it. When I was a child everything was normal, or It seemed like it. I played with other kids, I had friends in school, playing football... Even I could get a "girlfriend" in primary school who I texted with in MSN Messenger. I always got good grades since I was a child. In a few words, I was happy. I played videogames too, alone and with other kids. Life was so simple and easy.
That was my life from 0 to 12 years old. At 12 years old I started High School and everything changed so much. Most of the class people were new and I struggled to talk with them and to get new friends. People's personalities changed a lot too, and I could keep just a few of my friends. I started to be insecure and people of the class (including girls) bullied me. That made me isolate myself at home, because I couldn't go outside. At that time I didn't almost have any friends.
Call of Duty Black Ops 2 was the game I spent the hours playing with other people online. I enjoyed it, but It was just the start of losing my life.
That years were hard af, I didn't even want to get out of the bed and was so anxious af, every fucking morning. They bullied, beated me, and I got insulted too. I was an ugly guy with acne, ethnic, with a very bad frame, small...
The high school years ended and I started college. New place to be with other people. Tbh college was good because I could be with my best friend at the time and didn't feel alone. Two years were I started gym and people noticed irl. I got confidence boost because of that.
But when those years finished everything just changed a lot. My grandma died two days before my exams of university admission. Still I went to do it, with my tears in the eyes, but I could get one of the best marks of my year.
First time I decided to do Computer Science + Statistics, everything seemed to be good. But I joined a students dorm and that... Just broke my life. I was so anxious I couldn't even leave my room to get along with other people in breakfast or lunch. That made me feel so depressed and I left university after just two weeks after starting. I felt so out of place and alone, since people never wanted to be neither with me.
That year, 2019, was probably my worst personal year... And that's the time when I discovered incel forums. I started posting my pics in dating apps (with small success) and at the first time I discovered r/truerateme. In a comment of that subreddit I saw someone talking about "looksmax.org".
I registered in the forum and posted my pic in the ratings section. Yeah, the people told me the truth... I was ugly. But the needing of posting pics was so high, until this day, wednesday 20th August 2025.
That year I left studies but started to learn guitar. Started listening depressive music, Nirvana, Radiohead, John Frusciante... And that let me learn a new hobby and write my personal songs and playing covers:
Shit songs, but It was just a good cope.
After that year I joined university again to study a bachelor's degree in Biotechnology. In my country its one of the degrees with a higher mark required to access... I liked Biology in high school and my mark was really high so I decided to study this degree. My uni years were just so bad, so much stress of the studies and also feeling so fucking alone. Always sitting in the corner of the class and never invited to parties.
Last year was my last uni year and my father got diagnosed with a bad cancer. Again the depression hit me and I just don't know how I could end my studies and going to the lab with my tears dropping, but I did it. Anyways, I'm not happy because I should've studied another degree with better job wages and status.
Now (2025) I'm feeling terrible, because I'm getting old (24 years old), and at the same time I'm kissless, hugless, handholdless, virgin, friendless and jobless. I don't know if I can have this situation for much time. Feeling the need of getting peace, maybe in another place I won't have to see others getting money, getting laid, getting everything
they want in life while I'm a mere spectator.
Thanks for reading.
