C
cognit1on
Iron
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2025
- Posts
- 7
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I’m 18 years old. Today was my first day of community college. Entering my first period class I found a seat against the wall in one of the middle rows one of the last seats left. Everything in my peripheral vision is a blur and my throat is swelling. Professor introduces himself and hands out a paper intended to give introductory questions on the content of the class. I get my pencil from my backpack and go to write my name. I press my pencil down on my paper and the only thing that I can scribble out are disoriented zigzags. I was shaking so bad I couldn’t even write my own name down. I’m now in a panic as I watch as my peers catch ahead of me as I’m physically immobilized to do anything. I had to sit for minutes and recollect my emotions until I eventually calmed down and could write some eligible handwriting.
As a child I considered myself to be intelligent; every state exam I took I’d always score in the 90+ percentiles. All throughout Elementary I had lingering anxiety and I was shy, however, it was all normal things you’d expect in a child. Things changed going into 6th grade. At the age of 11 years old, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. The new environment of middle school was introduced and it seemed to have flipped a switch inside of me. Everyday, before school, I automatically anticipated panic attacks to happen at school. Often times I’d be crying before I was even being driven to school. This behavior was persistent, until the middle of my 7th grade year continuing on to my 8th grade year which was cut short due to Covid.
Entering high school as a freshman who hadn’t socialized in a year in a half was miserable. I still had crippling anxiety, but I could mask the physical effects caused by it much better. I only had one friend that entire year who was a loner I was friends with from elementary school that was still a loner now. I only ever saw him during lunch. It was so very nice not having to sit alone in the views of all the other high school kids. Sophomore, Junior, and Senior year I had absolutely no friends. I’d often be forced to sit at other kids tables because there was not enough tables in the courtyard for all of the kids during lunch and I’d pretend to be scrolling on my phone despite there being no WiFi available. With airpods in my ears playing no audio, I’d be eaves dropping on their conversations; envious of their experience of extra curricular activities together that I had no interest in. I wanted to feel connections with others, but I force myself to be all alone because I believe everything I do can be a mistake and I can’t appeal to other kids my age. Every time I had an interaction with another student I felt so incredibly out of place.
I have no self-esteem. I’m always analyzing and observing other kids my age of their style, how they look facially, what relationships they have, and I always compare it to myself. I want to blend in and not draw unwanted attention. My life peaked in elementary school socially, mentally, and physically. I have fallen behind so far in life, but I have to keep trying each day because I love my family, they’re the only thing I truly admire in this world. I’m incredibly average objectively a 5/10 facially, 5’10”, 133 pounds, and ~20% body fat.
This was a way for me to vent, I have never really talked about this to anyone, but if anyone has had similar experiences to me please tell me what medication has worked for you. I want to better myself for the future, have long lasting relationships, be truly happy, and stop being so lonely. I plan on scheduling an appointment to a doctor soon. Sorry if this was a bit disorganized, but I think you get the gist.
As a child I considered myself to be intelligent; every state exam I took I’d always score in the 90+ percentiles. All throughout Elementary I had lingering anxiety and I was shy, however, it was all normal things you’d expect in a child. Things changed going into 6th grade. At the age of 11 years old, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. The new environment of middle school was introduced and it seemed to have flipped a switch inside of me. Everyday, before school, I automatically anticipated panic attacks to happen at school. Often times I’d be crying before I was even being driven to school. This behavior was persistent, until the middle of my 7th grade year continuing on to my 8th grade year which was cut short due to Covid.
Entering high school as a freshman who hadn’t socialized in a year in a half was miserable. I still had crippling anxiety, but I could mask the physical effects caused by it much better. I only had one friend that entire year who was a loner I was friends with from elementary school that was still a loner now. I only ever saw him during lunch. It was so very nice not having to sit alone in the views of all the other high school kids. Sophomore, Junior, and Senior year I had absolutely no friends. I’d often be forced to sit at other kids tables because there was not enough tables in the courtyard for all of the kids during lunch and I’d pretend to be scrolling on my phone despite there being no WiFi available. With airpods in my ears playing no audio, I’d be eaves dropping on their conversations; envious of their experience of extra curricular activities together that I had no interest in. I wanted to feel connections with others, but I force myself to be all alone because I believe everything I do can be a mistake and I can’t appeal to other kids my age. Every time I had an interaction with another student I felt so incredibly out of place.
I have no self-esteem. I’m always analyzing and observing other kids my age of their style, how they look facially, what relationships they have, and I always compare it to myself. I want to blend in and not draw unwanted attention. My life peaked in elementary school socially, mentally, and physically. I have fallen behind so far in life, but I have to keep trying each day because I love my family, they’re the only thing I truly admire in this world. I’m incredibly average objectively a 5/10 facially, 5’10”, 133 pounds, and ~20% body fat.
This was a way for me to vent, I have never really talked about this to anyone, but if anyone has had similar experiences to me please tell me what medication has worked for you. I want to better myself for the future, have long lasting relationships, be truly happy, and stop being so lonely. I plan on scheduling an appointment to a doctor soon. Sorry if this was a bit disorganized, but I think you get the gist.
