Zeekie
Apricot
- Joined
- May 18, 2024
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Shitty thread nobody cares, but honestly needed to get it out somewhere, and obviously can't tell my "friends", and my family really doesn't help much when it comes to these kinds of situations, at least if I get insults from people in this shitty forum I will feel like my feelings have been acknowledged.
Ever since I came to Italy to live with my family and to study, basically all of my friendships have been nonstructured on lies and wearing a mask. I kinda had a rough childhood living with my father (who's apparently in jail now?), moving around a lot and being emotionally neglected, I guess I kind of never learned how to make real connections? So I was always emotionally distant from those around me, I made friends, but it was always something to have fun and hangout, never something deeper like a true friendship, I'm unsure who's fault it was, maybe I didn't approach the right people, maybe I was unlikeable, or my personal theory, I never fully developed emotionally and learned to be trusting of other people when it comes to my feelings.
After moving to Italy I decided I needed to change this, to make real connections, but not because I felt lonely, but because I feel this deep urge for economic and status success to feel complete and better than those around me, so 99% of my college experience revolved around connecting with people I deemed powerful and important, and I never bothered to foster relationships with people who I did connect with. Now I have quite a large social group, all rich kids, many of them with trust funds and daddy's jet to fly around, they're good people, although I have to admit I don't like them or even fit it with them, but they think they do, and they think we have sooo much in common because I've been faking it, I have learned to cater to these people emotionally and make them think like I care so much about them when in reality I don't, I'll say it, I'm only around them for their money. AND IT HAS WORKED! Since we're on break, we all decided "Hey, why don't we go traveling", turns out someone's father had a villa in Andorra or whatever, a bunch of us are flying on first class to the villa while others decided to go on their own, of course this is all paid by one of them (this is something they like to do, I guess to boost their egos, they're constantly trying to one up themselves to see who has more money or something, ridiculous, but incredibly advantageous).
Point is, after a stressful set of weeks with a project, and doing passport shit, finally the day of the flight is tomorrow, but I feel like I'm having a panic attack, I guess it's impostor syndrome? I literally feel physically sick to my stomach, I'm assuming it's just me feeling horrible because in some way I do not deserve any of this, I don't like these people, they think they know me (even though I've been deliberately trying to hide as much of myself from them as to be "accepted into the group"), they think I care about them, and I'm the great friend who's always there to support them and validate them emotionally and shit but none of that is true.
I feel horrible, honestly. Hope y'all having a great day n shit, DNR me to oblivion
Ever since I came to Italy to live with my family and to study, basically all of my friendships have been nonstructured on lies and wearing a mask. I kinda had a rough childhood living with my father (who's apparently in jail now?), moving around a lot and being emotionally neglected, I guess I kind of never learned how to make real connections? So I was always emotionally distant from those around me, I made friends, but it was always something to have fun and hangout, never something deeper like a true friendship, I'm unsure who's fault it was, maybe I didn't approach the right people, maybe I was unlikeable, or my personal theory, I never fully developed emotionally and learned to be trusting of other people when it comes to my feelings.
After moving to Italy I decided I needed to change this, to make real connections, but not because I felt lonely, but because I feel this deep urge for economic and status success to feel complete and better than those around me, so 99% of my college experience revolved around connecting with people I deemed powerful and important, and I never bothered to foster relationships with people who I did connect with. Now I have quite a large social group, all rich kids, many of them with trust funds and daddy's jet to fly around, they're good people, although I have to admit I don't like them or even fit it with them, but they think they do, and they think we have sooo much in common because I've been faking it, I have learned to cater to these people emotionally and make them think like I care so much about them when in reality I don't, I'll say it, I'm only around them for their money. AND IT HAS WORKED! Since we're on break, we all decided "Hey, why don't we go traveling", turns out someone's father had a villa in Andorra or whatever, a bunch of us are flying on first class to the villa while others decided to go on their own, of course this is all paid by one of them (this is something they like to do, I guess to boost their egos, they're constantly trying to one up themselves to see who has more money or something, ridiculous, but incredibly advantageous).
Point is, after a stressful set of weeks with a project, and doing passport shit, finally the day of the flight is tomorrow, but I feel like I'm having a panic attack, I guess it's impostor syndrome? I literally feel physically sick to my stomach, I'm assuming it's just me feeling horrible because in some way I do not deserve any of this, I don't like these people, they think they know me (even though I've been deliberately trying to hide as much of myself from them as to be "accepted into the group"), they think I care about them, and I'm the great friend who's always there to support them and validate them emotionally and shit but none of that is true.
I feel horrible, honestly. Hope y'all having a great day n shit, DNR me to oblivion
