ElySioNs
Mercenary
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2021
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Apparently I'm not the only one who got attached to my rapist
Thank goodness I have had therapy and is aware of my feelings, if it happened to me before I probably won't even have the cognizant to know what happened and will be in denial until I die
It's also because I processed the feelings and sat with the disgust and shame when I got sexually assaulted by a Muslim man on a bus, I was not attracted to him but had involuntary arousal when I was sexually assaulted, so I know the body reacts and do things that can bypass superficial consciousness.
Thank goodness I journal and do shadow work, thats how eventually I came out of the "self protection spell" of denial.
How I knew I was raped... But kept it suppressed ... It still keep resurfacing and suppressed back and forth
It was very similar feeling, the Muslim man who fretted me on a bus, when I was getting SAed by him, I suddenly had the weirdest feeling, I blamed myself for being a racist and he was just there robbing his dick on my butt because the bus is packed, I actually shamed myself for suspecting he was a pervert... Obviously later I found out the bus had lots of space behind his and he was deliberately doing it with an erection.
I talked about my feelings with myself, police and other women, even though that guy never got caught I learned a lot about how the subconscious works and had released the shame
This time was a black guy, I thought I was racist too when I kept having intrusive thoughts about black men being the negative stereotypes of the usuals you know ... Very promiscuous and like to sexually assault women, I was always getting harassed by them on the street.. im Chinese and in East Asian community we always joke about stuff like how to keep myself safe with bunch of tough looking guys who are gangster looking so even if I'm in a room surrounded by black guys nobody would dare to come hit on me...
I was like omg I'm racist?!
Lol I know I'm not right, it's my experience and they were all valid to keep me seeing the pattern and be safe
But I still didn't want the negative stereotype make me distrust all black men, there was this cute black guy who really really liked me and my feelings were reciprocally the same, I felt like other than my attachment wounds of distrust replaying it was also the stereotype demographic of Jamaicans or black in general have bad family values and horrible upbringing so they will get women pregnant and abandon them. It still kinda hurts my heart I just let a potentially good husband go because I was playing too hard to get with him and he was too afraid of my rejections and it just ended in a friend zone and heartbreaks.
So this guy I felt I kinda saw him as a healing/ replacement trauma of the previous black guy..
He kept reassuring me that he would always be there and he isn't ignoring me or abandoning me. I never quite felt it though.
I really wanted to believe him but I wasn't sure if it was safe to do so...
I thought I had BPD because I was so repulsed by him, he technically has very low mating value and smells like a pig, I never felt like I found him attractive or wanted sex from him until it happened, so I know deep down I was raped .. I just didn't want to believe it, I thought if we get into a good relationship together then it won't matter and there's no hurt or trauma from the rape....
The body and brain really played a lot of tricks on me to make me get hypnotized by the traumas facade with "feeling like head over heals in love", I thought it was weird why would I who is of high mating value go for someone that has such low mating value, but I just dismissed it as being "in love"...
The protector in me was so deceiving and smart to try to bypass my superficial consciousness..
Or is it because I realized he isn't a nice guy, yet is still in denial that another protector jumped in to remind me he raped me so it's not okay to trust him
Likely it's both.
Thank goodness I have had therapy and is aware of my feelings, if it happened to me before I probably won't even have the cognizant to know what happened and will be in denial until I die
It's also because I processed the feelings and sat with the disgust and shame when I got sexually assaulted by a Muslim man on a bus, I was not attracted to him but had involuntary arousal when I was sexually assaulted, so I know the body reacts and do things that can bypass superficial consciousness.
Thank goodness I journal and do shadow work, thats how eventually I came out of the "self protection spell" of denial.
How I knew I was raped... But kept it suppressed ... It still keep resurfacing and suppressed back and forth
It was very similar feeling, the Muslim man who fretted me on a bus, when I was getting SAed by him, I suddenly had the weirdest feeling, I blamed myself for being a racist and he was just there robbing his dick on my butt because the bus is packed, I actually shamed myself for suspecting he was a pervert... Obviously later I found out the bus had lots of space behind his and he was deliberately doing it with an erection.
I talked about my feelings with myself, police and other women, even though that guy never got caught I learned a lot about how the subconscious works and had released the shame
This time was a black guy, I thought I was racist too when I kept having intrusive thoughts about black men being the negative stereotypes of the usuals you know ... Very promiscuous and like to sexually assault women, I was always getting harassed by them on the street.. im Chinese and in East Asian community we always joke about stuff like how to keep myself safe with bunch of tough looking guys who are gangster looking so even if I'm in a room surrounded by black guys nobody would dare to come hit on me...
I was like omg I'm racist?!
Lol I know I'm not right, it's my experience and they were all valid to keep me seeing the pattern and be safe
But I still didn't want the negative stereotype make me distrust all black men, there was this cute black guy who really really liked me and my feelings were reciprocally the same, I felt like other than my attachment wounds of distrust replaying it was also the stereotype demographic of Jamaicans or black in general have bad family values and horrible upbringing so they will get women pregnant and abandon them. It still kinda hurts my heart I just let a potentially good husband go because I was playing too hard to get with him and he was too afraid of my rejections and it just ended in a friend zone and heartbreaks.
So this guy I felt I kinda saw him as a healing/ replacement trauma of the previous black guy..
He kept reassuring me that he would always be there and he isn't ignoring me or abandoning me. I never quite felt it though.
I really wanted to believe him but I wasn't sure if it was safe to do so...
I thought I had BPD because I was so repulsed by him, he technically has very low mating value and smells like a pig, I never felt like I found him attractive or wanted sex from him until it happened, so I know deep down I was raped .. I just didn't want to believe it, I thought if we get into a good relationship together then it won't matter and there's no hurt or trauma from the rape....
The body and brain really played a lot of tricks on me to make me get hypnotized by the traumas facade with "feeling like head over heals in love", I thought it was weird why would I who is of high mating value go for someone that has such low mating value, but I just dismissed it as being "in love"...
The protector in me was so deceiving and smart to try to bypass my superficial consciousness..
Or is it because I realized he isn't a nice guy, yet is still in denial that another protector jumped in to remind me he raped me so it's not okay to trust him
Likely it's both.
