“Is my arousal to sexual violence normal?”

[Vermilioncore]

Hoping this is the right sub for this.

So, background information just in case: I have always been very sexual my whole life, for as long as I can remember. Since I was pretty young, I would do things like "make out" with pillows, chairs or toys when no one was around. I watched porn for the first time at 7, had "sex" with my pillow at 8, let my dog lick me down there for the first time when I was 9, and orgasmed at 10. At 8, both King Kong (specifically this scene) and Me, Myself & Irene (this scene) aroused me (they still do lol) and I would pretend to get my boob sucked by one of my toys. As for the King Kong, I would wrap my blanket around me really tight to pretend that I was being grabbed by him (at night, laying in my bed).

Okay, so I'm not sure if this is normal or not, because as far as I know about the people around me and what they've said (including my boyfriend M19), none of them would relate to this. So, I have had sexual fantasies since I was 8 years old about being kidnapped or abducted, but it wasn't until I was around 10 that I started fantasising about rape. I'm not sure where it started but I remember that seeing sexual violence on tv would arouse me, and I always played the scene over and over as long as no one else was around. If people were around, then I would usually leave to go masturbate.

Overtime, my sexual fantasies and kinks just got stronger, which I assume is normal. I started watching only forced porn, forced gangbangs, bondage, etc. But it's not just the physical force that arouses me, emotional and psychological manipulation turns me on as well. I mean this in more than just watching porn. Manipulation in general from my boyfriend turns me on. I'm not easy to manipulate...it just turns me on. So, obviously, I also like unfair power dynamics (doctor/patient especially for some reason). Now that I'm thinking about that, I just remembered that in 4th grade I got my first male teacher and I had a lot of trouble not staring at his pants.

Since then, I've gotten to the point where I can no longer finish unless I am imagining a scenario where I am either being abducted, raped, murdered, drugged, sexually tortured, or multiple at once. But this specifically needs to be being done to be by a sadistic man. Sadism, I am very very aroused by. And I wouldn't even consider myself a masochist. For example, a man could be forcing himself on me, and it not be exactly pleasurable for me, but as long as he is sadistic and deriving sexual gratification from my suffering, then I will be wet and horny until it ends.

A pretty big portion of my day is spent thinking about my fantasies, and I masturbate on average 1-3 times a day. Of course, I'm most aroused at night and I have always had very sexual dreams but recently it's been almost every night.

I guess the part that I'm mostly asking if my arousal to sexual violence and sadism is normal to this extent? I don't feel comfortable talking about it in depth with any of the people in my life, so I thought my best shot was reddit. If more information is needed, I will reply, because my memory is not so great and I am probably leaving things out.

 

[twojei]

Hoping this is the right sub for this.

So, background information just in case: I have always been very sexual my whole life, for as long as I can remember. Since I was pretty young, I would do things like "make out" with pillows, chairs or toys when no one was around. I watched porn for the first time at 7, had "sex" with my pillow at 8, let my dog lick me down there for the first time when I was 9, and orgasmed at 10. At 8, both King Kong (specifically this scene) and Me, Myself & Irene (this scene) aroused me (they still do lol) and I would pretend to get my boob sucked by one of my toys. As for the King Kong, I would wrap my blanket around me really tight to pretend that I was being grabbed by him (at night, laying in my bed).

Okay, so I'm not sure if this is normal or not, because as far as I know about the people around me and what they've said (including my boyfriend M19), none of them would relate to this. So, I have had sexual fantasies since I was 8 years old about being kidnapped or abducted, but it wasn't until I was around 10 that I started fantasising about rape. I'm not sure where it started but I remember that seeing sexual violence on tv would arouse me, and I always played the scene over and over as long as no one else was around. If people were around, then I would usually leave to go masturbate.

Overtime, my sexual fantasies and kinks just got stronger, which I assume is normal. I started watching only forced porn, forced gangbangs, bondage, etc. But it's not just the physical force that arouses me, emotional and psychological manipulation turns me on as well. I mean this in more than just watching porn. Manipulation in general from my boyfriend turns me on. I'm not easy to manipulate...it just turns me on. So, obviously, I also like unfair power dynamics (doctor/patient especially for some reason). Now that I'm thinking about that, I just remembered that in 4th grade I got my first male teacher and I had a lot of trouble not staring at his pants.

Since then, I've gotten to the point where I can no longer finish unless I am imagining a scenario where I am either being abducted, raped, murdered, drugged, sexually tortured, or multiple at once. But this specifically needs to be being done to be by a sadistic man. Sadism, I am very very aroused by. And I wouldn't even consider myself a masochist. For example, a man could be forcing himself on me, and it not be exactly pleasurable for me, but as long as he is sadistic and deriving sexual gratification from my suffering, then I will be wet and horny until it ends.

A pretty big portion of my day is spent thinking about my fantasies, and I masturbate on average 1-3 times a day. Of course, I'm most aroused at night and I have always had very sexual dreams but recently it's been almost every night.

I guess the part that I'm mostly asking if my arousal to sexual violence and sadism is normal to this extent? I don't feel comfortable talking about it in depth with any of the people in my life, so I thought my best shot was reddit. If more information is needed, I will reply, because my memory is not so great and I am probably leaving things out.