Veridic
Morality lies within the face
- Joined
- Aug 14, 2024
- Posts
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DNR if you want, I had nobody else to tell this to without suffering some form of social suicide. Disregard the degeneracy, I'm not proud of it whatsoever.
I was going to off myself at 20 years old. Several years of homeschooling caused me to miss the essential social bonding developmental years every child requires, after which I got thrown into a 99% majority ethnic school during the very last year of middle school post moving out of the rural area we lived in previously, no people to really have been seen for miles away into the next property, let alone anyone under the age of 40 for me to hangout with. I felt like an animal that had been born into captivity, then told to be free at first. This led me to become the quiet kid, having given up on any methods I've attempted from my endless research making new friends due to everyone having developed bonds by then and knowing each other for so long as well as my lack of pop culture and anything to do with internet trends/games after my parents would only allow me half an hour of the internet every day which was restricted had I acted out in any form. All this really amounted to was my inability to even hold a conversation, let alone make a joke that didn't fall completely flat or anything else I said that made kids around that age look at you like you're interrupting their very serious conversation about some retarded ghetto normie topic. I did eventually get diagnosed asd and adhd, but I doubt it was the underlying causation for this.
Since then and all the way throughout highschool I'd usually opt to hiding in a corner of the library on the soft bag chairs to read books which was better than sitting alone at my lunch table in shame, but too afraid to ask anyone else to sit at theirs after having been treated as such. Post highschool, I smoked weed for the first time with my stoner co worker at the wagie job I worked in the back of sorting and unloading pallets, gave me to try, probably out of pity during our lunch break where people sat in a off site secluded area to do their drugs. The feeling of inclusion however was pretty great, and previously I'd get treated normally enough but mostly with casual greetings, and the occasional black guy attempting to make a joke to which I had no idea of what to respond with so I'd fake smile or something of that sort and those eventually stopped. But after this day I started buying and smoking weed more regularly which eventually got me into seeking novelty of new substances I've never tried before which obviously led to dependency then addiction.
Fortunately a bad situation had some good come out of it, and I became very low inhib, and so much so that later into my degeneracy, I was actively stealing from stores repeatedly without much care about getting caught, but being an adult by then, I could drive to where I needed so my parents weren't an issue again after this. Around this time I'd say, my existential lookism freakout phase already passed, and I wasn't so underdeveloped looking facially anymore after having self injected myself with over 9ml of filler by then, some of which was a bit botched but I learned to correct it.
One of my coworkers at a warehouse job I worked at for about a year, ended up inviting me after work to go pick up some weed and go to a function as they call it, and by then I was only smoking weed from a jeet smoke shop that didn't ask for id, but I somehow ended up buying a few meth pressies under the pressure of wanting to not look like a loser when the guy asked me if I was looking for anything and showing me what he brought with him, so I bought them from this hispanic fella that had one of his guys in the passenger seat holding a handgun of some sort between his legs in case of I'm guessing drug dealers getting robbed. This was pretty much the start of my spiral, and I tried the pills later in the week on my own and enjoyed the feeling a lot, due to undiagnosed adhd at the time, so it felt like I was "normal" internally on them and just great in general, hence the part about me spiraling into different drug usage out of curiosity of how they'd make my life "better" as I told myself. Meth kind of sucks because it makes you want to have sex with every women you see.
During an extended substance abuse bender of anything that was really available, I was sitting with some people I was introduced to through the guy at work, just rotting and being high like the trash of society we were at his house, and it was later in the night so everyone was pretty much hanging out with their significant other. I was talking to this ltb meth addict I knew for a bit prior to coming there, just making talk with her mostly leading the majority of it, but I guess I just thought she was friendly due to having smoked with her all evening on the patio. I lost my virginity the same day after it led to being in her room and now remembering all the subtle hints my sperg self couldn't pick up on at the time. To be fair though she did have weird tics so who knows what I saw it as.
Yes, it was disgusting thinking about her obese body. Was I absolutely elated? Yes, even if she slapped me in the middle of it for just laying there instead of abusing her like the whore she is, which was honestly extremely weird and I got angry about it leading to me open hand smacking her and one hand on her throat out of anger while making some sort of threat I can't remember now but I'm just glad I didn't end up being some sort of horror story protagonist for a crime channel on youtube. Thinking about it gives me chills of cringe to this day, but in my mind I was no longer a virgin loser after this, and the thought of missing out on teen love never really occurred to me going forward despite having been the age I was. I have a shit ton of stories with these people that honestly sound like some sort of plot to a degenerate druggie movie, but more depressing to think about tbh.
I'm not an addict anymore and dropped those friends after a terrifying overdose had me turn things completely around out of pure fear of death and learning a way to blend in with normies that weren't necessarily losers, after finishing going through withdrawals. And even if it was still a bit noticeable at times, which someone did mention to me before by telling me that "it's okay to be myself" in this condescending tone that had me overthinking every action going forward. I have a decent job now which allows me to work from home and get a break mentally while occasionally working in office and going out with a small group I'm relatively relaxed around, maybe I just get a ego boost from most of them being darker than I am. No, I don't really date anymore after going out with some subpar women but not trying to go for much higher due to my understanding of hypergamy at the time. I've pretty much killed my urge for sex in the intimacy sense on a chemical level during a really bad "female nature" episode which was the result of getting brutally cheated on by this foid I fell in love with and used me for my finances essentially, and haven't really ever looked again since.
Not sure if this story has a moral beyond wanting to share it, cage tbh. Maybe it'll give people some hopefuel but who knows how this will come off as considering I can't be asked to reread it and doubt many are getting through the whole thing anyways. I've been sitting here for about an hour judging by the time without realizing it after taking my retard pills, cage tbh. Thanks for reading my textslop.
I was going to off myself at 20 years old. Several years of homeschooling caused me to miss the essential social bonding developmental years every child requires, after which I got thrown into a 99% majority ethnic school during the very last year of middle school post moving out of the rural area we lived in previously, no people to really have been seen for miles away into the next property, let alone anyone under the age of 40 for me to hangout with. I felt like an animal that had been born into captivity, then told to be free at first. This led me to become the quiet kid, having given up on any methods I've attempted from my endless research making new friends due to everyone having developed bonds by then and knowing each other for so long as well as my lack of pop culture and anything to do with internet trends/games after my parents would only allow me half an hour of the internet every day which was restricted had I acted out in any form. All this really amounted to was my inability to even hold a conversation, let alone make a joke that didn't fall completely flat or anything else I said that made kids around that age look at you like you're interrupting their very serious conversation about some retarded ghetto normie topic. I did eventually get diagnosed asd and adhd, but I doubt it was the underlying causation for this.
Since then and all the way throughout highschool I'd usually opt to hiding in a corner of the library on the soft bag chairs to read books which was better than sitting alone at my lunch table in shame, but too afraid to ask anyone else to sit at theirs after having been treated as such. Post highschool, I smoked weed for the first time with my stoner co worker at the wagie job I worked in the back of sorting and unloading pallets, gave me to try, probably out of pity during our lunch break where people sat in a off site secluded area to do their drugs. The feeling of inclusion however was pretty great, and previously I'd get treated normally enough but mostly with casual greetings, and the occasional black guy attempting to make a joke to which I had no idea of what to respond with so I'd fake smile or something of that sort and those eventually stopped. But after this day I started buying and smoking weed more regularly which eventually got me into seeking novelty of new substances I've never tried before which obviously led to dependency then addiction.
Fortunately a bad situation had some good come out of it, and I became very low inhib, and so much so that later into my degeneracy, I was actively stealing from stores repeatedly without much care about getting caught, but being an adult by then, I could drive to where I needed so my parents weren't an issue again after this. Around this time I'd say, my existential lookism freakout phase already passed, and I wasn't so underdeveloped looking facially anymore after having self injected myself with over 9ml of filler by then, some of which was a bit botched but I learned to correct it.
One of my coworkers at a warehouse job I worked at for about a year, ended up inviting me after work to go pick up some weed and go to a function as they call it, and by then I was only smoking weed from a jeet smoke shop that didn't ask for id, but I somehow ended up buying a few meth pressies under the pressure of wanting to not look like a loser when the guy asked me if I was looking for anything and showing me what he brought with him, so I bought them from this hispanic fella that had one of his guys in the passenger seat holding a handgun of some sort between his legs in case of I'm guessing drug dealers getting robbed. This was pretty much the start of my spiral, and I tried the pills later in the week on my own and enjoyed the feeling a lot, due to undiagnosed adhd at the time, so it felt like I was "normal" internally on them and just great in general, hence the part about me spiraling into different drug usage out of curiosity of how they'd make my life "better" as I told myself. Meth kind of sucks because it makes you want to have sex with every women you see.
During an extended substance abuse bender of anything that was really available, I was sitting with some people I was introduced to through the guy at work, just rotting and being high like the trash of society we were at his house, and it was later in the night so everyone was pretty much hanging out with their significant other. I was talking to this ltb meth addict I knew for a bit prior to coming there, just making talk with her mostly leading the majority of it, but I guess I just thought she was friendly due to having smoked with her all evening on the patio. I lost my virginity the same day after it led to being in her room and now remembering all the subtle hints my sperg self couldn't pick up on at the time. To be fair though she did have weird tics so who knows what I saw it as.
Yes, it was disgusting thinking about her obese body. Was I absolutely elated? Yes, even if she slapped me in the middle of it for just laying there instead of abusing her like the whore she is, which was honestly extremely weird and I got angry about it leading to me open hand smacking her and one hand on her throat out of anger while making some sort of threat I can't remember now but I'm just glad I didn't end up being some sort of horror story protagonist for a crime channel on youtube. Thinking about it gives me chills of cringe to this day, but in my mind I was no longer a virgin loser after this, and the thought of missing out on teen love never really occurred to me going forward despite having been the age I was. I have a shit ton of stories with these people that honestly sound like some sort of plot to a degenerate druggie movie, but more depressing to think about tbh.
I'm not an addict anymore and dropped those friends after a terrifying overdose had me turn things completely around out of pure fear of death and learning a way to blend in with normies that weren't necessarily losers, after finishing going through withdrawals. And even if it was still a bit noticeable at times, which someone did mention to me before by telling me that "it's okay to be myself" in this condescending tone that had me overthinking every action going forward. I have a decent job now which allows me to work from home and get a break mentally while occasionally working in office and going out with a small group I'm relatively relaxed around, maybe I just get a ego boost from most of them being darker than I am. No, I don't really date anymore after going out with some subpar women but not trying to go for much higher due to my understanding of hypergamy at the time. I've pretty much killed my urge for sex in the intimacy sense on a chemical level during a really bad "female nature" episode which was the result of getting brutally cheated on by this foid I fell in love with and used me for my finances essentially, and haven't really ever looked again since.
Not sure if this story has a moral beyond wanting to share it, cage tbh. Maybe it'll give people some hopefuel but who knows how this will come off as considering I can't be asked to reread it and doubt many are getting through the whole thing anyways. I've been sitting here for about an hour judging by the time without realizing it after taking my retard pills, cage tbh. Thanks for reading my textslop.
