appeal_clone
Iron
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2026
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I need help processing a certain mindset I have on relationships and life. This is quite important to me, so if you have time please read and give advice.
This is going to be very long, just a heads up.
Before I get started I want to preface that I'm a decently good looking dude and I can be very charismatic when I want to; you don't have to believe me, I'm sure some won't, but I'm telling the truth. I'm in college atm and def could be in a relationship rn if I wanted, but this will be about why I'm not in one. Also for context I'm pretty religious so that impacts my worldview, although I'd believe much of this even if I weren't religious.
I don't feel like I can really ever be in a relationship because my future wife will always lack something that someone else has. That is, I don't feel like I could be with her if I thought some part of her weren't perfect, and someone else was better than her in that way. I think this originally stems from physical differences; it's so easy to notice a difference between two people's faces or bodies and I'll always find one of those physical differences, subconsciously or (as argue more often than not) consciously more attractive. If my wife were very very beautiful, think stacy level, but there was something about her that wasn't as attractive as someone else, like her waist not being as small as some other women or if she didn't have freckles (and some other woman did), I'd feel awful. My future wife deserves someone who who loves her as much as possible, and the way I look at it, weird as it might be, if there's something, even if it is super small, that my wife isn't perfect in some way, would I not love her more if she had that quality?
To be clear this 100% extends beyond the physical. For example if I once I'm married I'm over at a friends house and his wife makes everyone dinner, and her dish is better than the way my wife makes it, and if that friend's wife were a molecular biologist, which I find very interesting, is it not a natural conclusion that I would love my wife more if she were as good a cook, or knew as much about molecular biology, as this other woman? Or what about if she's been in a past relationship before me? Would I not prefer a woman who hasn't been? I would feel awful if I ever thought that my wife weren't perfect, and especially that some other woman were better in some way, even if it's quite insignificant. That's not fair to her at all; she deserves some that would never compare her, again even subconsciously, with another woman.
To be clear these aren't things that would be a deal breaker to me before getting into a relationship. If a woman doesn't have a perfect body or a perfect character/personality it's not going to keep me from being willing to marry her. It's more that for her sake: she doesn't deserve someone who is having these thoughts.
Also at the same time, I selfishly have similar thoughts in the other direction. Would my wife not love me more if I were taller, had a smaller waist, and all the imperfections in my face were gone? What about my character? I have certain innate character traits that I don't see changing no matter how much better of a man I become. Would she not prefer if I were intrinsically different in these ways? Also there's the issue of my past. My future wife deserves someone who hasn't struggled with lust or failed in their walk with God. Would my wife not prefer someone who has lived a different life than the one I've lived? The only logical conclusion I can come to is that she would. She might not realize it, but if I were different in these ways, closer to her perfect idea of a husband, she would love me more. Also would she not subconsciously think, when she sees a man that has what I'm lacking in one of these areas (just as I mentioned I would) that he's better in some way. As selfish as it sounds I don't want my wife, even subconsciously, being more attracted to another man, even if it's only in one aspect.
Also I'm not even close to the best version of myself. I have a long, long way to go with my appearance, spiritually, financially, mentally, mature-wise, etc before I'm even at a point I can feel like I'm "good enough" to date someone.
As you can tell I have a quite romanticized, and yes very unrealistic, view of how I'd want my relationship to be, but to me this is so fundamental to what I and someone else would want in a relationship. I think people lose this mindset as they date and have sex with people; they understand such a perfect relationship with a perfect person is not a possible, which of course I fully understand, but it's like telling a little kid they're never going to be an astronaut - as an adult of course you can understand that a little kid will never achieve this goal, but as a kid you haven't experienced the world the same way an adult has, so the idea is foreign. I mention this because I don't want to just hear "you'll love someone unconditionally and completely when you really fall in love, despite their flaws" or something along those lines, because from my inexperienced brain, just as the kid with the astronaut, it sounds like you're telling me to willingly settle for someone. Also I feel like, being very observant, I'd wouldn't be able to tune out the idea that my partner isn't perfect, as apparently many people can.
I originally intended to talk more about my view on how I plan to live out the rest of my life, my philosophy with how it should be lived, where I'm at now, some contradictions between these things, and how all of these tie into the above, but I've decided against it.
For anyone that actually read through all that, thank you, and please lend me some advice. How can I reframe my view so that I see this issue in a different way or how do I stop myself from seeking a perfect woman altogether?
To be clear, this mindset doesn't impact my day-to-day life almost at all. I don't plan on getting into a relationship for some time, until I become a better person, but this is something I want to figure out before I start looking for a wife. Also if I've forgotten something important, I'll make sure to address it in the comments.
-AppealClone
This is going to be very long, just a heads up.
Before I get started I want to preface that I'm a decently good looking dude and I can be very charismatic when I want to; you don't have to believe me, I'm sure some won't, but I'm telling the truth. I'm in college atm and def could be in a relationship rn if I wanted, but this will be about why I'm not in one. Also for context I'm pretty religious so that impacts my worldview, although I'd believe much of this even if I weren't religious.
I don't feel like I can really ever be in a relationship because my future wife will always lack something that someone else has. That is, I don't feel like I could be with her if I thought some part of her weren't perfect, and someone else was better than her in that way. I think this originally stems from physical differences; it's so easy to notice a difference between two people's faces or bodies and I'll always find one of those physical differences, subconsciously or (as argue more often than not) consciously more attractive. If my wife were very very beautiful, think stacy level, but there was something about her that wasn't as attractive as someone else, like her waist not being as small as some other women or if she didn't have freckles (and some other woman did), I'd feel awful. My future wife deserves someone who who loves her as much as possible, and the way I look at it, weird as it might be, if there's something, even if it is super small, that my wife isn't perfect in some way, would I not love her more if she had that quality?
To be clear this 100% extends beyond the physical. For example if I once I'm married I'm over at a friends house and his wife makes everyone dinner, and her dish is better than the way my wife makes it, and if that friend's wife were a molecular biologist, which I find very interesting, is it not a natural conclusion that I would love my wife more if she were as good a cook, or knew as much about molecular biology, as this other woman? Or what about if she's been in a past relationship before me? Would I not prefer a woman who hasn't been? I would feel awful if I ever thought that my wife weren't perfect, and especially that some other woman were better in some way, even if it's quite insignificant. That's not fair to her at all; she deserves some that would never compare her, again even subconsciously, with another woman.
To be clear these aren't things that would be a deal breaker to me before getting into a relationship. If a woman doesn't have a perfect body or a perfect character/personality it's not going to keep me from being willing to marry her. It's more that for her sake: she doesn't deserve someone who is having these thoughts.
Also at the same time, I selfishly have similar thoughts in the other direction. Would my wife not love me more if I were taller, had a smaller waist, and all the imperfections in my face were gone? What about my character? I have certain innate character traits that I don't see changing no matter how much better of a man I become. Would she not prefer if I were intrinsically different in these ways? Also there's the issue of my past. My future wife deserves someone who hasn't struggled with lust or failed in their walk with God. Would my wife not prefer someone who has lived a different life than the one I've lived? The only logical conclusion I can come to is that she would. She might not realize it, but if I were different in these ways, closer to her perfect idea of a husband, she would love me more. Also would she not subconsciously think, when she sees a man that has what I'm lacking in one of these areas (just as I mentioned I would) that he's better in some way. As selfish as it sounds I don't want my wife, even subconsciously, being more attracted to another man, even if it's only in one aspect.
Also I'm not even close to the best version of myself. I have a long, long way to go with my appearance, spiritually, financially, mentally, mature-wise, etc before I'm even at a point I can feel like I'm "good enough" to date someone.
As you can tell I have a quite romanticized, and yes very unrealistic, view of how I'd want my relationship to be, but to me this is so fundamental to what I and someone else would want in a relationship. I think people lose this mindset as they date and have sex with people; they understand such a perfect relationship with a perfect person is not a possible, which of course I fully understand, but it's like telling a little kid they're never going to be an astronaut - as an adult of course you can understand that a little kid will never achieve this goal, but as a kid you haven't experienced the world the same way an adult has, so the idea is foreign. I mention this because I don't want to just hear "you'll love someone unconditionally and completely when you really fall in love, despite their flaws" or something along those lines, because from my inexperienced brain, just as the kid with the astronaut, it sounds like you're telling me to willingly settle for someone. Also I feel like, being very observant, I'd wouldn't be able to tune out the idea that my partner isn't perfect, as apparently many people can.
I originally intended to talk more about my view on how I plan to live out the rest of my life, my philosophy with how it should be lived, where I'm at now, some contradictions between these things, and how all of these tie into the above, but I've decided against it.
For anyone that actually read through all that, thank you, and please lend me some advice. How can I reframe my view so that I see this issue in a different way or how do I stop myself from seeking a perfect woman altogether?
To be clear, this mindset doesn't impact my day-to-day life almost at all. I don't plan on getting into a relationship for some time, until I become a better person, but this is something I want to figure out before I start looking for a wife. Also if I've forgotten something important, I'll make sure to address it in the comments.
-AppealClone
