mentally ill man laments on how his image has been destroyed in the eyes of those he loves

[ja37viggenlover]

Everybody is manipulative in one way or another, but why am I the only one that feels bad when I do so? I threatened somebody close to me recently for information regarding whether or not they were involved with my felony case (that is, if they are being charged for aiding a felon, and thankfully they weren't), and they kept telling me "ohh this isn't like you, oh you would've never done this..." and it's almost taunting to me that they could say such a thing, but I guess you never fully know a person until you do. I find myself to be bottom of the barrel in society due to the way being addicted to pornography since I was 7 has shaped the way I view people in general, and so one of my cardinal fears with myself (and one of the big reasons I've never gotten into a relationship despite my "nice" personality...) is the idea that my lust could one day end up harming somebody I love, and although it's not my lust that's the reason why people's image of me is destroyed, it plays a big part in it. While I was in the mental hospital, I believed the whole world revolved around me and I was admitting how much of an incel I felt I was out of pure panic; and now that I'm out of the mental hospital and more grounded in this world and society, I find it terribly annoying how everyone I love thinks that I still revolve my entire life around getting a girlfriend. Frankly, everything that's happened to me up to this point has put a terrible distaste in my mouth at the idea of chasing women because I believe that as I am, I'll just end up creeping out anybody I pursue. I think I rather be a bachelor for the rest of my life than ever pursue another woman, because my behaviors and my attitude always seem to push them away. At my new school, there were two girls following me after I spent a good 30 minutes playing basketball alone in the school gym, and they were snickering and laughing behind my back; but having the "confidence" I did, I just kept walking. One of them said "have a nice day!" while snickering again, and I was confused, but I brushed it off. I think it's not a good idea for me to overthink my social interactions, otherwise I'll end up assuming bad of all those who aren't older than me.